[h4rdl1f33]

My girlfriend called me up the day after my birthday, back in December and told me she wanted to take a break. She gave me no other reason for leaving other than wanting to “work on herself”. I felt like she had been talking to her friends and they convinced her to do this, but I wasn’t going to talk her out of leaving me if she didn’t want me anymore, which is the vibe I got from her. When she told me this, I said, “Well, I can’t change your mind and I can’t say I feel the same way you do about wanting to leave but if that’s what you want I wish you the best.”

I hang up the phone. A week goes by and I start going a little crazy because I wanted to know what I did wrong so I could do better in my next relationship. I call her exactly a week after she left me. She answered, sounding anxious. I simply said, “Why?” She went on a rant about how I never listened to her, etc, and essentially gave me a million reasons but these were all things that sounded made up, because we always got along and she never gave me any warning signs whatsoever. Things were going GREAT. We were planning to get married. We were each other’s first everything, and madly in love. We’ve been together 4 years. The day of my birthday she called me and wished me happy birthday, I thought she was coming over that weekend to visit me but instead she broke up with me. So I still didn’t buy her story. First she left me to “work on herself”, now it’s because of me. Finally, I convince her to meet me in-person and tell me what’s going on and hopefully get a little closure.

Fast forward past the meeting, we talked for 8 hours straight. We were up all night. The first 5 hours was her saying the same thing: wanting to work on herself, and being upset with me, etc. After listening to it all and trying to convince her to not leave me because we can work through this, I say, “I love you, but you know I KNOW you, and I don’t think this is why you’re really leaving me. Please tell me the truth.” She looks at me and says, “What would you do if I told you I kissed another guy?”

I have to absorb this for a minute because we were each other’s firsts, we’ve never so much as kissed anyone else until now apparently. We have been dating since she was 15 and I was 18. It really hurt to hear this.

So she tells me the story. One that has changed so many times since December. She’s lied to me many times and I’ve gotten about 3-4 different elaborate stories as to what happened that night with that guy, but I will save all of the drama for you guys and simply write the latest version I have from her and the one that has lasted the longest (there were a few where I knew she was lying and picked them apart very quickly, but this one seems the most true in my opinion and is the latest version).

Here is what she tells me happened:

Basically, we had a fight one night back in November. Something really stupid but highlighted all the issues I’ve had with her: lying, being selfish, and being stubborn. I finally decided I had had enough with her and broke up with her (and meant it). We didn’t talk for three days, until she came to my house and apologized and promised she would stop lying and wanted to get back with me. So I accepted her apology and trusted that she was really done lying. From what she tells me, (and it took a LONG time to get this out of her) two days after the fight she invited a guy over to her house because she was crying and miserable after I left her and he offered to comfort her by playing video games with her or something. When he was leaving, she walked him out to her car and she started crying again, so he asked her to sit in his car with him. He had the front seat leaned up so she had to get in the back seat. So they sit in the back seat for an hour or two and she’s just talking about me and crying. Finally, he starts begging her to kiss him. She says, “No I can’t do that.” She says she said that because she planned to come back to me and make up with me. He lets it go and then brings it back up a little while later. She refuses again, until finally he grabs her face and starts kissing her. She says at first she kissed him back to try to feel “something”, but feels nothing and pushes him away after a minute or two. Then he comes back again and again, she freezes. This time she says she didn’t kiss back at all and he was basically making out with her face urgently and sloppily, she pushes him away and then he instantly comes back a third time, and the third time he grabs her boobs over her shirt. She freezes and says it lasted roughly a minute before he tried taking off her shirt and she slapped his hand away. So now she’s “frozen” and still in his car. She said she tried leaving his car twice and both times he pulled her back and didn’t let her leave, but she swears he never got violent, but she also says she never pushed back enough because she was frozen and in shock. She says the most she did was say “Stop” and cringing up and avoiding eye contact at all times. She claims she was leaned against the inside of his car and just tried to stare at the ceiling though most of it, trying to block it all out. So it escalates from there and he comes back for more, faster and more aggressive than ever and she says he started biting her neck and reached his hand underneath her shirt and started grabbing her boobs over her bra. Once he knew he could grab underneath her shirt, he immediately went underneath her bra and grabbed her bare boobs for roughly 1-2 minutes before she pushed him away again. She says after that first kiss she never kissed him back, and that it was all him. So let’s continue. After that he somehow gets his fingers between her legs, above her jeans, and is rubbing her. She says she was frozen because she was so hurt and crying over me leaving her and just didn’t know what to do. She says he then unbuttoned and unzipped her jeans, and started rubbing above her panties. Still frozen. He quickly went underneath and fingered her for about a minute, and she says he shoved 2 of his fingers inside her about 5 times and it hurt extremely bad because she wasn’t wet or turned on at all. I asked her why she didn’t scream if it hurt, and she says she DID scream at one point and said “Stop”, and “That hurts, don’t do that” and he kept going. She says after about a minute or two of this he grabs one of her hands and puts in his shorts, implying to rub his dick. She doesn’t at first, so he grabs her hand and wraps her fingers around it and moves her hand up and down. She says he then let go of her hand and she stopped rubbing. But then she tells me that after a few seconds she started rubbing on her own because he was still fingering her and it hurt and she figured the best way to make it all stop was to make him orgasm, so she says it took about 3 or 4 rubs and it was all over. He orgasmed into her hand then he took his hand out of her panties and she buttoned up her jeans and immediately got out of the car.

Keep in mind this is just what she told me. I don’t know how much of it is true or not. This is just latest version of the story. The FIRST version of the story she gave me didn’t go nearly as far, but it all sounded consensual. And after each new “version” she gave me, it all sounded more and more rapey. She says she wanted to protect me because she knew I would go looking for this guy if I knew he molested her and I would end up in jail if I did something drastic. After she told me all of this, I asked “Were you molested?” And she answered yes. She didn’t want any of it. I told her to go to the police, but she says she doesn’t feel like she has a case because she consented and kissed back at first, but everything after that first kiss was forced upon her and she was frozen.

The weird thing is, she continued hanging out with this guy about 3 or 4 more times after that. And we were back together at this point, too. She got back together with me the day after this happened and she continued hanging out with him with other friends, but swears she never let herself get alone him again. She says the reason she did this was because she wanted to act like it never happened and for things to go back to normal. Is this normal sexual abuse victim behavior?

Another weird thing, we had a fight about this guy about 3 years ago when I found out they were flirting on Facebook and planning some kind of secret beach trip behind my back. After I found out about it I told her if she wants to keep me, he needs to be gone. And she promised he was gone. So the fact that THIS was the same guy as the guy we had a previous fight about makes this look like “premeditated cheating” if that makes sense. Like she waited for us to have a fight, went out and had her fun with him, then got back with me and is crying sexual abuse because it’s an easy card to pull as a female. I really don’t think my girlfriend is the type to go and make it to second or third base with a guy on the first date, just 48 hours out of a 4-year relationship, as she’s really one of the most innocent people you could meet (or so I thought), but I just don’t know seeing as how she kept him around after I told her to get rid of him.

She says she really thought he was just a good guy, but now says she hates him because he fooled her and “took advantage” of her. She has since changed her number and blocked him on her phone and even backed up the story with her family, but I’m still having a very hard time believing that she was actually molested simply due to the amount of lying and emotional abuse from her I’ve gone through through all of this. I won’t even get into that, though.

I really don’t know what to think. For now we are just talking but she wants me more than ever. And I’ve noticed that the more “truth” I get out of her the more she wants me, whereas before she had no problem breaking up with me and not talking to me, I guess because she was running away from facing up to it with me, but now she can’t even go a day without sending me all kinds of lovey-dovey messages as if things are back to normal. I am more hurt by the lies (which I won’t go into) that I had to sort through for the past 2 months to finally get this final story out of her than I am by what actually happened between her and that guy. But I will say this, every time I consider if what she’s saying is actually true, I get the urge to go to his house and beat his face into the fucking pavement. I talked to some of her other friends and they confirm that he’s a manipulative scumbag, which just makes all of this even harder to decide what’s true and what isn’t.

Should I take my girlfriend back?

[AskApril Masini]

It is very difficult to be in a relationship with someone who lies — a little or a lot. You never know when you’re getting the truth, some version of the truth, five eighths of the truth, one quarter of the truth — it’s exhausting second guessing the person. I think that you should run, not walk, in any other direction. I feel sorry for her because she’s so troubled, but she needs help that is professional, and you need a healthy relationship that you’ll never get with her. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for someone is to tell them that you hope they find health and happiness, but you don’t want drama in your life which is why you’re moving on. Enabling her behavior won’t help anyone. Urge her to get help from the police, a doctor, the hospital — someone who is professional and knows how to handle the situations she’s found herself in, and then find someone healthy to date.

[Member]

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