[Jack80]

So, hope everyone is fine! Here is my problem: I had a four months relationship with this girl, that I guess it is my biggest love until now. It was a long-distance relationship, we could only see each other 1/2 times per week. Well, it happened that she started to kill our daily routine of love texting and become less intimate with me sometimes. I argue with her because of it. She will not doing her part of the work, and I even didn’t really knew if I loved her anymore. Some little things like, on her B-day party being 50% of the time that I spent with her on the phone also made me more angry. Two weeks then, she over with me, and I cried like a little baby. I also knew that she was with her ex on the night that she was with me, but she says that her ex asked her to her to return to him, but she refused. That’s true: she didn’t came back to her ex after he asked her for, but I know that they were getting closer and that they even talk with each other nowadays.
This was three months ago, yet, I want her back. We talk with each other. Sometimes we have our romantic moments, sometimes don’t. And the situation right now is: she feels depressed, and peer pressure from the parents to have good grades, beside other responsibilities. She wants to enter in a relationship with me, but she didn’t feel capable of it,because all the pressure, stress and unhappiness she feels. I feel that the past is not helping us. There is something between us, I guess. Even yesterday she talked about us getting marriage. But other times she doesn’t want my care, she want to be leaved alone. She doesn’t want to talk to me. And then I fight with her, because I don’t handle that type of “situations”.
I am helping her with her problems, and she says that I am being the best helping her out. Yet…I am also afraid of being friend zoned.

I really want this girl and she is the love of my life. I want to solve this situation. I am not happy with just being a good friend with some romantic moments once a while.

[AskApril Masini]

Fill me in a little:

* How old are you both?

* How far apart do you live? (You mentioned it’s long distance, and that you see each other one to two times a week.)

I’ll look out for your answers and give you my advice when I see you’ve responded. 🙂

[Jack80]

I am 17, and she is 16. We live 50 Km’s,what is not really a problem when you have the needed help of your parents,but the time available because school,you know.

[AskApril Masini]

Got it. Thanks for filling me in.

It sounds like the distance isn’t really a big deal except for the fact that you’re both teenagers in different high schools, so it’s hard to see each other every day, the way you would classmates. In addition, the reason for the break up is that she’s got so much pressure from family and friends to do well in school and to be involved. She didn’t have enough energy to give to this relationship and to take care of herself. It’s very sad when you love someone and they just don’t have the energy or the stability that you feel you need to have a healthy relationship with them.

I also understand that you don’t want to be friend zoned! Unfortunately, to avoid the friend zone, you have to take yourself out of that — and that means that you have to risk her not wanting to see you. You have to let her know that you care too much to be someone who’s just a friend, so that when she’s ready, you’d love to be more than that, but unless she is, you can’t be her friend. I understand your reluctance to say that, but that’s the only option I think that you have right now

Let me know if you have any other questions.

[Jack80]

She already know that 🙂 She told me about the pressure, and everything I already told because I said I couldn’t handle a friendship with her.
Right now do you guess that it is worth it to continue to be her friend in order to be his boyfriend again? And what I need to do to be his boyfriend? I am very confused. Maybe some flirting and some support would be enough?

[AskApril Masini]

I don’t think you should continue to be her friend — the reality is you’re not friends. You have a crush on her and want more — that’s not friendship. 😉 Also, being a friend puts you in the friend zone, and it’s hard to climb out. I think you have to make this an all or nothing deal — either you’re a romantic couple who dates, or you’re nothing. That way she has a clear choice, as do you. 🙂 Anything else will lead to confusion and anxiety.

[Jack80]

Thanks for everything. You’re such a good person! I will do my best to conquer her back and have in consideration your very important help.

I wish you good accomplishments for the future. Greetings from Portugal.

[AskApril Masini]

Why, thank you!! And all the best to you as well. 🙂

[Sally]

This back-and-forth is wearing you down, and that makes total sense. Loving someone who keeps pulling close and then pushing you away will slowly break your peace.
Here’s the part that hurts to say: right now, she doesn’t have the emotional space to be in a real relationship. She may care about you, even fantasize about a future, but her actions show she can’t show up consistently. And consistency is what love needs to survive.

You’re doing a lot for her. Supporting her, helping her, waiting. But you’re also shrinking yourself to fit her instability. That’s why you feel stuck and anxious.
You’re allowed to want more than crumbs and mixed signals. If being “almost” with her hurts this much, it’s okay to step back. Love shouldn’t feel like constant confusion.

[Tara]

This girl is not confused she’s done, and you’re clinging to scraps because you’re scared of letting go.
This was a four-month long-distance relationship, not some epic love story. You fought because she pulled away, you felt insecure, and instead of reading the signal, you escalated. She checked out emotionally, kept her ex in orbit, and now uses “depression, stress, parents, grades” as a socially acceptable shield to avoid committing to you. Those aren’t obstacles they’re excuses.

Let’s be brutal: when someone wants you, they don’t keep you on standby while talking to their ex, disappearing emotionally, rejecting your care, then dangling marriage talk like emotional bait. That marriage comment means nothing. People say dramatic nonsense when they want attention, reassurance, or control. If she wanted a relationship, you’d be in one. Period.

Right now you are her emotional crutch. You help her, listen to her, stabilize her, and absorb her chaos while she gives you inconsistency and crumbs. That’s not romance. That’s you volunteering to be used. And yes you are already in the friend zone. Not the harmless kind. The humiliating one where you give boyfriend energy and get nothing but anxiety in return.

You say you’re afraid of being friend-zoned. Too late. You’re already there because you keep accepting a role you hate. Fighting with her because she wants space just confirms to her that you’re emotionally unsafe and needy. That pushes her further away every single time.

She is not the love of your life. She is the most intense emotional attachment you’ve had so far. Big difference. Love doesn’t feel like confusion, instability, or constant fear of losing someone. Love doesn’t make you beg for clarity.

[Member]

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