[gina]

Hi,

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year and a half now, and things have gotten very serious. In a lot of ways, this is a good thing. We’ve already talked about it, and plan on living together, we have similar core values, and he supports me in the sense that he has been there for me in times of need, like when I was hospitalized a few months ago.

He is a VERY sweet guy. He brings flowers over for no reason, takes me out to dinner. We have fun when things are going well. But things have kind of taken a turn for us, and I’m not sure if they can improve. I am very sure of who I am and what I want, and although he claims to be the same way, as he pushes to move forward in this relationship, sometimes I wonder if we even know each other, or if he knows himself.

He is currently dealing with a lot of unresolved “mother issues,” he was adopted and his adoptive mother has been very invasive in his life. She always held his hand, and handled all of his problems for him. She still tries to. The problem used to be that she was too involved in our relationship, but now that he is in therapy, it is much less of an issue. The issue now, is that he treats me differently.

His mom makes everything about herself, even things that don’t involve her. She has feelings and thoughts about EVERYTHING. I’m fine with that, she is who she is… but now he is making everything about him. When I talk, I now notice the conversation steers in his direction and turns into him. My day at work is turned into his day at work. When we do talk about me, he doesn’t really listen.

He is constantly talking about himself, [b]asking me how to handle situations[/b], lying about stupid things (like that hes working when hes playing video games.) When I catch him in a lie, he says its because he doesn’t want me to be disappointed in him. (How weird is that?) Its as if he is punishing me for the way she treated him, or treating me like I’m his mother, and he is regressing and acting like a child.

I’ve tried talking to him about it, and he always seems to be compassionate and proactive, but he has a short attention span. If we come up with a resolution, it is short-term because he will think its all better in a week and he just stops working at it. He admits he has problems, but what good does that do? I don’t want him to put himself down, I want to work on us. He is going to therapy, but its as if he is using it as a crutch. He now blames his mother for everything that he does wrong in our relationship. It is obvious to me that his relationship with her did screw him up, because he looks to a woman to tell him what to do, sometimes his mannerisms aren’t very masculine, and he has no confidence. [b][i]I feel like I always have to make decisions, I always need to make moves on him, I always need to lead. [/i][/b] I don’t want to be in charge! I want a sexy and confident man that can take charge. I see that he has it in him, but I don’t know if its ever coming out.

He seems so confused, like he is having an identity crisis. Sometimes he is this weak needy woman, sometimes he is this child looking to his mother, and sometimes he is himself. I wish he had a male role model when he was younger, but his dad wasn’t around much.

I just want to have a mature, reciprocating relationship with a man. I don’t want to put him down, but he acts like an insecure and needy woman. I love him, but he only wants to talk about himself and he doesn’t hear me. His therapist thinks that I am the best thing for him, but what is the best thing for me? I keep pushing myself aside, and I don’t know what to do. I just want him to be a strong, loving man and open up to me. Is this a dead end? I’m only 23, and I know I’d be ready to settle down with the right guy, but I don’t want to waste my youth on someone that can’t change.

The bottom line, is that I’m a strong, confident, goal-oriented young woman, and I need an even stronger man.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m going to tell you what you already know! You’ve been dating a guy for a little over a year, and you’ve found him to be lacking in areas that are deal breakers for you. You’ve stayed with him, even though you’re not compatible, and the result is you’re picking at him, finding every fault and expecting him to be different. He is who he is, and he isn’t right for you.

Lots of men have wonderful qualities, but if you feel he’s not confident or strong enough, you have to understand that those are important enough qualities to be relationship deal breakers. 😕 Break ups don’t always happen because there’s been a terrible fight or a nasty betrayal. Sometimes they happen because people date and get to know each other and as a result, realize they’re not right for each other.

The trap you’re falling into, and that you want to get out of, is not understanding that the two of you aren’t compatible and that you need to move on before you stay, pick at him for who is and who he isn’t, and create that terrible fight that will break you up. 😳 I know you already know the truth, and breaking up is hard to do after a year’s investment — especially when your man has some very lovely qualities along with those that don’t work for you. This is a moment for you to muster up your maturity and wisdom and do the kind thing for both of you: move on gracefully.

Good luck — and do let me know how it goes.

I also hope you’ll follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 🙂

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