[lalala622]

I have been dating this guy for almost 5 months. He moved in with me almost right away because he had nowhere else to go. He still hasn’t gotten a job and has no money. He is trying to get a job and it stresses him out every day that he doesn’t have money. Consequently, though, this means that I have to pay for everything. He uses my phone and my car even though he doesn’t have a lisence. When I tell him “no” for using anything of mine (including my car) he gets mad. He also has 2 kids which usually come to stay the weekend at my place every weekend. He doesn’t ask my permission first, either. This bothers me. It also bothers me that smokes weed. He doesn’t do it as much now that he has me, but I still don’t like it, esp when he uses my car to go get it or smoke it. I hate it and he knows it. He gets mad at me for the smallest things, too.

Anyway, I feel like he’s using me because of all of that. But what makes me question it is the fact that I have never had a guy so completely adoring of me. It’s amazing. And he wants to contribute money and be equal, but he can’t right now since he doesn’t have a job. He DOES however help around the house…he cooks, cleans, scoops the snow, mows the lawn, helps me with anything I need help with. He’s usually really good to me like that. I just don’t feel like it’s even. I feel like he expects too much of me. I don’t know. I really like him. I just don’t like it when he gets mad.

[jennyq]

Unfortunately, I know someone who’s entirely in the same situation as you. She is with a guy who has no job and is living with her. They dated only for a few months before moving in together. She pays for rent, food, and even his son’s expenses. As a friend, I want to believe he truly loves her. But as an impartial third party, it’s really difficult to not have doubts.

I guess the best thing you can do is assess how much does he love you and how far can he compromise? If he loves you, then he’ll try to get a job to help with finances and secure the future. The idea that he is a dad should give him more incentives to want to have some money in his pocket. In addition, if he cares about how you feel, he’ll quit smoking weed or AT LEAST stop using your car to go buy weed knowing that he can make you liable for his irresponsibility if anything were to happen while he’s driving your car. On a positive note, the fact that he’s willing to help around the house does go to show that he wants to contribute equally.

With my friend’s situation, I want to tell her to stop spending so much on him and his child when unnecessary. SHe keeps on complaining how he wants to take his son out to theme parks but expects her to pay for everything. If that’s the case, then she shouldn’t do it. Why would you want to pay for something and at the same time complain?? She too has doubts sometimes. Hope everything works out for you!

[Ladycee]

With all due respect, the answer to your question (from my perspective) is YES, he is using you.

Sometimes as women (from my own experience) we put up with alot that is not part of the deal. We pay the price to have him in our lives. Believe whatever they say to us and cling to whatever little household chores they perform, all in the name of having a man.

From my experiences, there is also someone for you who will adore you and meet you halfway on the responsibilities. Dont let anyone take you for granted. Why shouldnt he ask permission to do certain things? You’re not even his wife… And as far as the controlling you by his anger, pls learn to not let it affect you. I’ve been through that as well. I’ve had some hard knocks and wish someone would have told me what I’m saying to you now. I wish you much success in making your decisions or changing some aspects of your relationship.

[GPM]

Red flag #1: He smokes weed
Red flag #2: He drives a car wihout a license (in other words it doesn’t bother him to break the law)
Red flag #3: He has an anger problem
Red flag #4: He has kids, but no job (can you spell: irresponsibility)

Why the heck did you let him in your house in the first place? Because he gave you a bit of affection? Come on. Wake up. I think it’s time to do the rational thing and kick him out.
Is he using you? YES
To prove it, just tell him you won’t have sex with him until you get married. If by any chance he really loves you for who you are, he’ll go through with it. But if he’s just a perverted loser who’s looking for free sex, room and board, then he won’t stand it and just leave (which would be a blessing for you).

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you.

[Natalie Noah]

Your discomfort makes a lot of sense. Moving in immediately, relying on you financially, using your car without a license, bringing his kids over without asking, and getting angry when you set boundaries are not small issues they’re signs of entitlement. Helping around the house is basic contribution, not a substitute for responsibility, respect, or partnership. Affection can feel intoxicating, especially if you haven’t experienced it before, but adoration does not cancel out behavior that puts you at legal, financial, and emotional risk.

What’s especially concerning is how he reacts when you say “no.” Anger in response to boundaries is often how control begins. The imbalance you’re feeling isn’t imagined it’s real. Right now, you’re carrying the weight of the relationship while he benefits from stability without accountability. Stress about money doesn’t excuse disrespect, illegal behavior, or making unilateral decisions about your space and resources.

Liking him doesn’t obligate you to tolerate being used. A healthy partner would be grateful, careful with your things, eager to regain independence, and respectful of your limits. The fact that you’re already questioning this five months in is important listen to that instinct. Love should not cost you your peace, safety, or self-respect, and it definitely shouldn’t make you feel smaller for expecting fairness.

[Member]

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