[JLynn1988]

Mar 15 at 9:18 PM
My ex and I dated for 11 months, very happily for 10 of the 11 months. I was happy for all 11 months. We fell hard and fast, I love you’s were exchanged after a month together, we spent all our free time together and were best friends. He would send me long texts randomly telling me how much he cared about me and loved me, and I would tell him “I love you too.” After 9 months together he ended up having to get a second job so he worked from 8am-9pm or later during the week and he was exhausted. He would drive to my house and I’d have dinner ready and he’d eat and fall asleep for a little bit and then go home. That was month 10, which was december and the very last bit of november. In the middle of december he asked me to get an apartment with him so we moved in together on new years weekend. I was very stressed about the move and some furniture issues and never really even expressed my excitement or happiness about moving in with him. Then within 4 days my grandpa ended up in the hospital with a surgery that was going to be 50/50 whether he’s make it or not so every night after work I was at the hospital for the month of January. He was the man who raised me so I wanted to be there. So the boyfriend and I went roughly 2 months of just seeing each other to basically say goodnight.

Three weeks after moving in he told me we should stop seeing each other, that was Jan 24th. Of course I cried and he told me that he had some things going on that he needed to figure out. He’s got a pretty rough financial situation with a girl he has a daughter with and she has been fighting him tooth an nail for him to not be around and he wants to be around, plus the stress of the two jobs to pay for the fight. He said to not lose hope and he wasn’t going to be seeing anyone else. So he stayed with a friend for a week and then moved his stuff into the second bedroom in our apartment. When he came back I overheard him talking to a girl on the phone, getting to know each other. She was discussing her recent breakup and he was talking to her about it and then the second time it was like a game of 20 questions trying to learn about each other. I confronted him about it and he said she was a friend and then I asked about maybe working things out and that’s when I got the real answer to why he dumped me. He said that mid december he had started to fall out of love with me and thought moving in would make the feelings come back and they didn’t so he thinks that we aren’t meant for each other. A couple days later we talked about why he felt like that and it was because he said I didn’t want to go out enough and he felt like we don’t have anything in common. Well I can give anyone a long list of things that we both enjoy so that excuse is invalid and he knows it and as for going out, that’s something that I would have been happy to do if that was an issue. So he said that he wasn’t going to get back together, but he wasn’t saying no in the future. Then two days after valentines day, which we spent watching a movie in the apartment, but we went out to a movie and when we got home he came back with his pillow in my room. The second night I asked where this was going, hoping it wasn’t just sex, and he said we were heading in the right direction in getting back together. The third day he said we needed to slow our roll in the bedroom because he wanted to fall in love with me again and then the fourth day he completely changed directions again. He didn’t want to continue that and thought it was a mistake. While talking to this girl the whole time still. Fast forward to a week ago I saw on Facebook that this girl changed her status to in a relationship so I asked him about it and he confirmed that they were dating. We got into a huge fight and I told him not to come back to the apartment. Then 3 days later I begged for him to give me another chance and he said “maybe there’s something better out there for me.”

So its been almost 2 months since the breakup and they have been dating for a week and a half. I feel like this is a rebound since two days before they started dating he told me he wasn’t going to be dating anyone. Also she is my complete opposite, very young and can’t go to the bars with him because she isn’t legal drinking age. From looking at her Facebook it is very easy to see that she is very immature and also a week before they started dating she was posting things begging for her ex back & he even told me she tried to get back with her ex right after he and I spent a couple days together. I understand that its typical behavior to go for the opposite of your ex in a rebound, I’m hoping its a rebound. He still has not changed his Facebook status, but he also didn’t until we dated for 3 months either. I try to stay off their facebook pages now as they do tag each other in romantic things, which he always told me he hated when couples do that. He always said he liked to keep his relationships off of facebook. Seems like he does a lot of things with her that he said he didn’t like to do. I’m concerned about her quickness to jump in with him after things with her ex. I’m not sure it’s healthy to fall out of love with one person by having another pick up your broken pieces, so to speak. We still lived together until this past weekend, he finally moved his things out. He had been staying somewhere else since I told him not to come back. In the last two weeks I have done a lot of thinking and I feel like the end of the relationship was a combination of a few things. Firstly that we stopped hanging out and we should have made the effort to spend time with each other and have fun. I also am not a very affectionate or emotional person, I was single for 27 years and that’s all I’ve ever known. I can count on one hand the number of times I initiated any affection. I know that was an issue for him as he brought it up, but never in a serious manner so I never thought anything of it. On top of that I got a desk job and gained weight and felt crappy and stopped letting him see me naked probably late fall. Id turn off the lights during sex and when I was changing. I also was toot terrified to ever reciprocate or make any moves in the bedroom the whole relationship too because I have always had this huge fear of doing it wrong or being bad. That’s an issue I need to work on with myself. I feel like with all of that its very easy to see why he fell out of love with me, I wasn’t fulfilling the emotional or physical needs anymore.

Since the breakup I have been working on myself, going out more, doing things with friends and have kept communication to a minimum since our huge fight. Before that we spent a month and a half getting along great as friends in the apartment. Now we communicate only about the apartment details. Tonight we are having storms and he did text me saying be careful, but that’s all I’ve gotten. He also viewed my Snapchat story last weekend while I was in another state visiting a friend and going out. Like Is aid, this is a long story and kind of complicated. I’m not really in a position to do NC until he gets the last couple things out that he forgot, but like I said I’m limiting it to apartment discussions as of right now. I didn’t respond to the be careful text. I’m taking the time to get an eating plan in order, started to actually care what I looked like when leaving the house when usually its a good day if I brush my hair, and I am starting to utilize the gym at the apartment complex. I’m basically trying to become the girl he fell in love with again and more, as I have been very withdrawn and depressed since the weight gain in early fall. Slowly I’m feeling more like myself again. I guess I’m just wondering if there’s any hope at getting him back. I could write triple this much, but these are what I think are the important highlights. Its been a lengthy and kind of messy situation. Thank you!!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He didn’t leave you because of this other woman. He left because the person you were when you started dating, and the person you became when he broke up with you are different. I don’t think this has a whole lot to do with the new girlfriend. He just wasn’t happy in the relationship. She’s a symptom not a cause. It sounds like his asking you to move in with him was either a Hail Mary to save the relationship, or else it was a financial move to help him cut his own costs, since you mentioned he had a lot of money stress. And around this time you were having weight issues, self esteem issues and you were both not seeing each other very much. The combination of all of these things was just too much strain on the relationship given it’s basis. 😳 I think it’s great that you’re taking care of yourself now — and if it took the break up to get you there, then in perspective, with time, you’ll see it was a good thing. And if you do get back to who you are and find a way to make your care and upkeep a priority, I think you may have a chance at getting him back. Stay the course. 😉

[JLynn1988]

Thank you very much, you’ve been the first person to tell me that I may have a chance in the future. And he did tell me that moving in was his way of trying to make it work again. However nothing was going to change if we didn’t work on the issues or if had no idea there was an issue for him. I’m not trying to blame this other girl, just trying to decipher if it seems more of a rebound or if its been enough time for him to have more legitimate feelings towards her. And as for working on myself, I’m doing that for me first and if he sees the results and wants to work on things then that is an added bonus. I was alone for 27 out of my 28 years, I’m not going to die without someone. I’ve learned to be happy with just me in the past and unfortunately he caught me when some of my demons were starting to resurface and ultimately kept me from letting him in 100% and being fully comfortable. I will admit that I begged multiple times to work things out and got a variety of responses from him that all equaled that he doesn’t want to. Part of me is also concerned that this girl is using him as her “rebound” so to speak and I don’t want him to get hurt. It worries me that she may be using him to make her ex want her back or that since she just got her heart broken she might have jumped into the arms of any guy who showed an interest and it just happened to be him. I don’t want to see him hurt, I do care about his happiness and that’s why her maturity level as its visible on her facebook concerns me. I guess I will just have to let their relationship run whatever course it is meant to and just try to continue working on getting myself back to where I want to be. I feel so sure with every part of me that he’s The One and that it could be better than it ever was if we got our second chance, but then again I’m sure its normal to feel that way after a breakup with someone you thought you were going to marry someday.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

After any break up, it’s normal to want to know what the other person is up to and who they’re dating. My advice is to focus on yourself, not him — and not her. Just work on you and become your best self. 😉

[JLynn1988]

I’ve been working hard on myself and while my heart hasn’t healed at all, I have been able to finally say that I’m happy with myself where I am now. Yes I would still love for him to come back and to work things out, but he hasn’t made any effort to communicate and they seem to be very happy together on social media. Posting and tagging each other in things, which we didn’t do until about 6 months in because he said he hated that. Sometimes I wonder if he’s doing it to rub it in my face or perhaps to seem happier than he really is. He still sometimes looks at my snapchat story, but it seems like he only does after I make an interesting facebook post about me being out and doing something. Like a tattoo I got the other day which I never thought I’d do, and when I was out the other night. He may have just been looking at all the stories of his snapchat friends, just seemed a bit coincidental. As for communication, he told me before they started to date that he thought we should not see or talk to each other for awhile. Stupid me thought maybe it was because there were still feelings on his end, but maybe it was just for my sake knowing I’m still in love. He’s still friends with all of his exes, whether it was years or weeks they dated, so I doubt it was his way of being nice about saying he never wanted to see me again. I don’t have the urge to try to text him everyday anymore and have accepted the no contact. At this point I’m not really sure I even have a chance anymore. I thought he was the one simply because I knew the night we met that I wanted him in my life, months together felt like years, everything was so easy, we never had a fight in a year, being with him always felt like home no matter where we were at, and I think I fell for is flaws more than the good stuff most days. I thought that was what made him the one, and maybe he is and time will tell. I just don’t know what to do anymore, but I miss him more everyday and I swear I still fall in love with him every day even though he’s not around.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry this break up is tough for you — and I’m glad you’re working on yourself. 😉

[JLynn1988]

Three weeks into his relationship with her, they had commented “love you” on a facebook post and at that point I removed myself from facebook. I got back on after almost 3 weeks and noticed he finally changed his relationship status to in a relationship with her. I looked through some posts and noticed that she still tags him in stuff all day, but he hasn’t done much. He was tagging her in things daily. I know that’s not a good indicator of how their relationship is going, but part of me wonders if he was doing it because I could see it. It was days after I logged out that he slowed down on posting stuff about her. Or could it be a sign of their relationship winding down? I’ve heard that what starts fast ends fast and I’m hoping its just a rebound. 3 weeks is soon to say I love you to someone. We said it at a month but realized we were saying it out of lust, and I know I knew I was fully in love with him after about 4 months. I haven’t heard stories of rebounds saying I love you, but she also was in love with her ex when they started to date. In the last month we’ve been no contact, he still occasionally looks at my snapchat story and I haven’t been on facebook except once yesterday. I’ve lost almost 30lbs, gotten new hobbies, and have almost gotten to the point where I can say I’m happy. I say almost because some days are still hard, I swear I love him and miss him more everyday. A lot of the new things I’m doing are things we said we wanted to do together. I figured might as well do them on my own now. I’m still hoping for a reconciliation, but I can’t tell if this is going to be a lasting relationship for him or if there’s a good chance of it fizzling out. They’ve been together almost 2 months now. Whats your opinion and what do you think my chances are at this point? Sorry for the multiple posts on the other thread, it wouldn’t let me post that much on one post.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

That’s GREAT that you lost 30 pounds. Stay the course. 🙂

Stop focusing on your ex-boyfriend’s relationships and keep the focus on you. 😉

[JLynn1988]

Kind of have an update. While I’m still not any more over this guy after 5 months, I felt I made progress yesterday. A few days ago I had sent him a message, basically apologizing for treating him more like a friend than a boyfriend for most of the relationship. I have so much guilt about it and thought that maybe if I apologized and got it off my chest I might be able to start moving on. He finally responded yesterday, hours after I saw he had read it. I didn’t expect a response so I was very surprised. He basically thanked me for the apology and gave me the “I still consider you a friend and want you to know I’m always here for you” speech. I told him I appreciated that, but I wasn’t in a place where I could be friends and talk to him. After that he asked me how things were going and I tried to be as short as I could and end the convo without being rude, since I had just expressed to him that I couldn’t do the talking like friends thing. Anyway, maybe it will help me move on or maybe it won’t. As much as I’d love to keep talking to him and try to charm him back into having feelings, I don’t think that’s best for my heart right now. That part of me is giddy that I was even on his brain yesterday, but I can’t focus on that or I’ll never make progress. I told him that I wanted him to be happy even if that means I can’t be happy right now because that’s what you do when you love someone that much & that I hoped she loved him at least half as much as I do. It took a lot for me to say that to him, so maybe that’s a sign I’m starting to slowly take a step forward.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good luck! 😀

[JLynn1988]

Thanks! He messaged me yesterday with a silly excuse to try to hang out with me. A week after I had told him I couldn’t see him or talk to him right now. I told him no, I could see right through his phony excuse. Said he wanted to learn to do my hobby, even though i taught him while we were dating. I think her grass isn’t seeming so green anymore and he has noticed that I’ve been watering mine quite nicely the last 5 months and wants to check it out before he leaves his sure thing. Basically doing what I think he did to me with her. Not falling for it, if he wants to work things out he can do it the right way. In the meantime I’ve been meeting a lot of new friends, some guys even. I’ve become a totally different person now that I’ve stopped caring so much about what others might think of me. Best thing that’s ever happened to me and hopefully good things will continue to come

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Great! 🙂

[Ethan Morales]

Okay, let’s break this down very carefully, because this is emotionally complicated, and the “hope” question depends on multiple factors, not just your feelings or his.

He’s in a new relationship now. The fact that he’s already dating someone else, even for a short period, makes it difficult to “get him back” immediately. People do sometimes rebound quickly after a breakup, and it sounds like you’re noticing signs that this might be the case she seems young, recently single, and maybe filling a void he’s feeling. But he has made a choice to start something new, even if it’s a rebound. That choice needs to be respected. Chasing him while he’s with someone else is unlikely to make him “come back” immediately it often pushes him further away.

Why he broke up. You’ve recognized some things in yourself being less affectionate, withdrawing emotionally and physically that contributed to him falling out of love. Even if he was stressed and the timing was bad (jobs, financial stress, his daughter’s situation), relationships need emotional and physical connection to survive. You’re reflecting on this, which is good but he’s already made his decision. The first step to any potential reconciliation is he has to feel that things have genuinely changed and that his needs can be met again.

What you can control right now Focus on yourself: health, emotional well-being, social life. You’ve already started doing this, which is excellent. Limit communication strictly to what’s necessary (like apartment logistics). You’re doing the right thing by not engaging emotionally yet.Give him space to figure out his new relationship. Often, rebounds help people realize what they actually want.

Signs there could be hope in the future. If he begins to realize the new relationship isn’t fulfilling or is immature, he might reconsider the past. If he reaches out to reconnect in a calm, respectful way, it might indicate some residual feelings.

Red flags for trying to get back together now. He’s making choices that show he’s moving on. Trying to “win him back” while he’s in a new relationship can appear desperate or manipulative, and can damage any future chance. You can’t force feelings he has to want to come back, and right now, his attention is elsewhere.

Right now, the best thing you can do is focus on yourself and limit emotional contact. There’s a slim chance of a future reconciliation if the new relationship fails and he realizes he still has feelings for you but you can’t make it happen, and it’s risky to wait around in the meantime. The healthiest approach is to rebuild your life, confidence, and happiness, independent of him. That way, if he comes back, it’s on equal footing not desperation.

[Marcus king]

You’ve got good self-awareness, that’s already half the healing done. Here’s the truth, this guy checked out emotionally long before the breakup, and instead of facing it maturely, he slid right into something new to fill the gap. That’s not real love, that’s distraction.

You’re doing the right thing by focusing on yourself, eating better, going out, rediscovering your confidence. Keep doing that, but do it for you, not to win him back. If it’s meant to reconnect, it’ll only happen when you’re both healed and different and right now, he’s not there.

So don’t chase. Don’t wait. Just glow up, stay quiet, and let time and distance show him what he lost. Rebounds fade, self-respect doesn’t.

[PassionSeeker]

First off, I want to say how proud I am of you. You’ve been through a lot emotionally, mentally, and even physically and you’ve handled it with more self-awareness than most people ever reach. That takes courage.

Now, here’s the honest truth from me: he left because the version of you he first fell for faded a bit not because you’re unworthy, but because you stopped feeling like yourself. You’ve already started fixing that, which is incredible. You’re rediscovering your confidence, your spark, your joy that’s what attracts people back, not chasing or convincing.

Right now, don’t reach out. Don’t analyze his posts or his new relationship. Let that story run its course it’s not your job to monitor it. Focus on your own glow-up, your energy, your peace. When you level up, people always notice.

If he realizes what he lost, he’ll come back on his own and if he doesn’t, you’ll still be thriving, stronger, and more you than ever.

[Member]

Posts