[Machomer1987]

I have messed up and now feel (deservedly) terrible i will start from the beginning…so about 6-8 months ago myself and a female friend of mine began an arrangement to be “friends with benefits” at the time it suited both of us as we had both come out of long term relationships, she also has a young Child and things were tough with the father. At the time it made sense as we were best friends anyway. So we would meet up at least once a week I would usually stay over and we would chill out. We never did anything coupleish like go out for dinner etc but it suited at the time, it was never mentioned to go out etc. I also had a great relationship with the child which was fantastic as she is a wee gem! The whole time I suppose I did hammer the message home quite hard that it was what it was and for her not to get attached etc. At times she said we should stop incase I get attached which I made very clear I didn’t want. I didn’t plan on developing feelings but…I have done! I started feeling like this a few weeks ago but I have been hurt in the past quite bad so subconsciously I don’t think I wanted to admit it to myself. She then mentioned she had a date lined up with this guy that she already knew. So as the date grew closer I was kind off struggling with admitting to myself just what was happening, now I know this will would outrageously stupid but I didn’t say anything until she had got back from the date. Then I confessed as to how horrible I had felt the whole weekend thinking of her out with him. We have had a chat since and basically she said how shocked she is as I made such a big thing of no feelings between us etc but she now has feelings for this guy!! so she’s chooses him over me, which I understand god only knows why I didn’t say anything before that date but there isn’t anything I can do to change that. I was banking on our connection being enough for her to take a chance on me but things haven’t gone my way. We used to talk all day every single day and even this last week throughout all this we still have been talking to each other, loads of emotion has been thrown around although I haven’t seen her in person, I did ask but she said it would be too hard and not fair to this other guy. Her mums advice was to try things with this guy and if I’m serious I will be there should it not work outs think the impression I got is all her friends think I’m just jealous. I think the world of this girl feel like such an idiot to have waited so long before saying anything but I just don’t know what to do now. Do I give up? He lives 300 miles away and has a couple kids himself so plenty baggage! I don’t really want to wait but maybe things won’t work out? Would that be settling for second best?? After some hesitation we blocked each other’s number. Any advice is really appreciated thank you!

[AskApril Masini]

What you were trying to avoid by becoming friends with benefits, has come home to roost. 😕 Usually people go into a friends with benefits relationship because they’re either afraid of rejection that is part of some dating experiences, underestimate the attractiveness of their partner in the real world, or are too lazy to date. Or some combination of all three. The problem is that, as you know, men and women can’t be friends because one person always feels more than friendship for the other, and can’t be honest. If you were really her friend, you’d be happy that she met a guy she likes — but you’re not. So if you can learn that one lesson — that men and women can’t be friends — you’re ahead of your own game. 😉

Now, you want her as a date — and you’ve got competition! You need to do some damage control because this other guy has made it clear from the start that he wants the whole nine yards with her — to treat her like a girlfriend, and possibly more. He’s put her on a dating pedestal. So you have to overcome that from friend zone position. Basically, you have to compete. 😉 Now, you get the opportunity to face that fear of not winning — even though I hope you do! You have to bring your A game and understand that rejection is part of dating. Nobody dies from it, and regret of not trying is worse than losing to someone else. Give it your best shot now, and see what happens. If you write back, let me know how old you both are.

[Machomer1987]

I am 28 and she is 23. We were both out of long term relationships which ended very badly. I was dumped for someone else in a very harsh manner, I think that caused me to calm up and convince myself I didn’t want a relationship. I have behaved like an idiot though she is a great girl and I think I took it for granted that she would always be there. You are right I have learned a very harsh lesson! As for competing well she did tell me yesterday she has feelings for this guy even tho it’s only one date and they have been speaking a lot, pretty much saying I’m too late. Now I was tempted to do some sort of
Big gesture but I’m not sure there is much point? I would love to go and see her it’s only
A 20 mins drive but not sure how she would take it. She also said yestersay she thinks we should stop talking to each other in order to give this guy a chance, I think she has trouble believing in what I’m saying due to the timing. Thanks for getting
Back to me

[AskApril Masini]

You’re in the friend zone. 😕 And she’s asking you as a friend to back off to give this guy a chance. If you’re her friend, you’ll do what she wants. But if you’re a guy who wants to date her, you’re in for the competition. I think you have to let her know you’re not her friend and you’re willing to risk what you thought was friendship on dating her. It’s an all or nothing move, but unless you do something like this, you won’t get out of the friend zone. Driving 20 minutes to see her, unannounced, isn’t much of a big gesture. Sending a dozen roses is. Giving her jewelry is a good step. You’ve got change the dynamic of the relationship — while doing damage control. Think bigger. You have to wow her. 😎

[Sally]

You didn’t miss your chance because you’re careless or cruel. You missed it because you were scared and trying to protect yourself. That happens more than people admit.
The hard truth is this: you taught her not to choose you. You told her over and over not to get attached, so when she finally did feel something with someone else, she believed you meant it. That doesn’t make you a bad guy. It just means timing mattered, and it went the wrong way.

Right now, waiting around would only keep you stuck. That wouldn’t be romantic, it would be painful. Blocking each other was probably the kindest thing, even though it feels awful.
Take this as a lesson, not a life sentence. Next time, say it sooner. You’re not too late for love. Just this version of it.

[Tara]

You created this mess deliberately, then acted shocked when it blew up in your face. You spent months enforcing a “no feelings” contract like a coward hiding behind rules so you could get sex, comfort, and access to her and her child without taking responsibility.

You didn’t just discourage attachment you policed it. You trained her to believe you would never choose her. Then the second she did what any sane person would do look for someone who actually wanted her you panicked and confessed too late like a man who only realizes the value of something once it’s already leaving. That’s not tragic. That’s predictable.

She didn’t “choose him over you.” She chose certainty over emotional whiplash. You offered mixed signals, denial, and fear. He offered intention. Distance and baggage don’t matter when one person shows up and the other hides until it’s convenient. And now you’re fantasizing about him failing so you can swoop in afterward? That’s not love that’s entitlement. Waiting around would absolutely make you second best, because that’s exactly how you positioned yourself from day one. Blocking each other was the only intelligent move you made in this entire situation.

[Member]

Posts