[Babsy84]

My boyfriend and I have been together 3 and a half years. Both of us coming out of ended marriages. We dated for a year before he met my son. We knew the moment we met that we liked one another. At one point he wanted to try and have kids of our own. But regardless, he and I both talked about things like they would go on forever. We recently moved to a new house, one he had chosen and I too liked as well but it wasn’t an initial choice. I’m probably skipping things and I do apologize if so. The night we moved in he went to see a friend of his who is going through a rough time, so I didn’t mind. He ended up coming in a bit late and passed out on the couch. Now, yes we have had disagreements in th past, but usually very small and we always took the time to resolve them quickly.

So my little spidey sense was tingling that something had been off lately. During the move most of all. I tend to be a go getter where he is more relaxed. So the next morning I asked him what was up? If he was okay and I got blindsided with his answer. He said he’d been doing a lot of thinking about us. That he loved me greatly but something was wrong with him. That it wasn’t me it was him. He’s scared. In a couple years he is leaving the military and his job is extremely stressful. He sAid he needed some time and space to think about us. One thing for sure is that I know he does still love me. As well as my son. He had planned a trip to TN to visit his family and utilize this as his space. The day leading up to it he woke me up crying and apologizing for putting me through this. He cried the day he said something was wrong too. I had never seen him cry before.

So this is my predicament. He has been away for almost a week and a half, 2 more to go. Since then he has messaged me a few times reminding me of appointments or little things going on. I am so confused. The day he left he gave me a kiss and told me loves me. What can I do with this. We are so compatible morally as well as our interests. We never had a problem communicating. But I fear there were things we didn’t do that could have prevented this. I don’t want to give up on him anymore than I want him to give up on me. We have a lot together. Including 2 dogs we both raised. I don’t think it’s worth the risk to just let it go. But I’m in a hard place. I know he is scared, I just wish I could do something about it.

[AskApril Masini]

Fill me in with a few more details — and I’ll give you my advice! 🙂 It helps to have a little chronology on the history of the relationship. 😉

When did you each get divorced? Or, are you still married to other people?

How soon after your divorces, did you begin dating?

When did you start living together?

You said that you moved into a home that he chose — did you buy it together? Or did he buy it, and invite you and your son to live with him?

And how old are you both?

I’ll wait for your answers, and respond when you reply. 🙂

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Babsy84]

It was a bit of a ramble, my mistake. We are divorced. And honestly we started dating before they were finalized. I had made it a point to tell him we could wait. Let him and I take the time if need be. I am 31 and he is 28. But our maturity meets in the middle I guess. I had mentioned to him about that an he said he was afraid he would lose me to someone else. We moved in together after 6 months but I immediately deployed for 4 months so we didn’t really live together til I got back. And the new house is base housing. Something I was never fond of but because of him wanting to get out of the military I thought it was the best bet. So we did it. It’s a 2 year lease.

[AskApril Masini]

Got it. Thanks — that makes things a lot clearer! 🙂

It sounds like he’s going through something that he is working out and sharing as he can. Since he’s going to be away for two more weeks, the best thing you can do is to not fuel the fires, but instead, compliment him, be nurturing and supportive and be loving towards him. These are qualities and attributes that will make his home with you more of a safe haven than a prickly place where he’s uncomfortable.

When he does come back in two weeks, hopefully, he’ll be able to articulate what’s going on and how he wants to proceed. But for now, the best you can do is to try and make the home fires attractive to him.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Babsy84]

I do so like that approach more than just cutting the strings. And I do hate to be a bother, but how do I go about communicating with him when it was he who wanted the space? How do I comfort him through this because believe me, I do want to. But I don’t want to seem like I can’t give him the space he wants. I just don’t want to lose this. It is worth fighting for or else he would have just left.

[AskApril Masini]

Test the waters by sending him a little gift, an e-mail or text — or some other one-way, compliment only, no need to respond, message. 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Babsy84]

I don’t know why but this seems harder than it should. Perhaps I’m just nervous. I used to compliment him all the time, I can’t think of amything now.

[Babsy84]

Also, is sooner better than later in this case? I heard from him on Saturday.

[AskApril Masini]

I think that the fact that you can’t think of anything to compliment him on is part of the bigger problem here… 😕 Try to put yourself in his shoes and imagine what you’d like to hear if you were him — then say it. And no — it’s not too soon! 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Babsy84]

There are tons of things to compliment. What I really meant to say is that I fear the text. Lol! Seems so silly. It feels like the beginning.

[Babsy84]

And thank you so much for the advice and help. I appreciate the no nonsense. 🙂

[AskApril Masini]

I think you’re stuck in a rut with him, and one way or another, you have to get out of it. You may not get the response you want, but if you don’t do anything differently, you’re going to stay stuck. Your feelings about this — having gotten into the rut, being in the rut and getting out of the rut — are all going to jog your emotions. That’s why you’re uncomfortable. 😉

And thank you for the kind words. I hope this helps.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Babsy84]

I just don’t want to lose him. But it is a rut. I have sent him the message. I do love this man. He was good to me and my son, it’s a hard thing to think about.

[Babsy84]

He replied that I made his morning better. I suppose it’s a positive step.

[AskApril Masini]

I’d say so! 😀

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Member]

Posts