[Ask April Masini]

There absolutely can be a too soon for the L word, and when someone utters the L word, you can learn a lot about him or her. For instance, someone who utters the L word in the first few weeks of dating has either met the love of his life — or one in a series of loves in his life, and he’s someone who is impetuous, makes snap judgments, and those judgments go both ways. In other words, he may say he loves you in week two, propose marriage in week three and break up in week five. When someone says the L word, has a lot to do with how they conduct their life. So look at other parts of his life to see if when he utters it is a sign that he’s an impetuous person because he’s said it very soon, or if he’s a true blue guy who really feels the way he says he does and is not flakey. On the other hand, someone who hasn’t said it after a year of dating, may just be using you as a place holder until the real thing comes along. So look at other things in his life to decide if when he says the L word jives with who he is.

As for your event, ask your date if it’s black tie or semi-formal. He should know from the invitation. You have a good idea of the dress for black tie, now, and briefly, I’d tell you not to drink too much, and don’t order drinks like a pina colada or a rum punch at a black tie event. Instead, go for a glass of wine or two, or champagne. It’s a lot more elegant. Be prepared to dance, so make sure your shoes are fabulous — and ones you can dance in, and when it comes to dinner, use your silverware from the outside, in — in other words, when you’re looking at your place setting, use the silverware furtherest from the plate first, for each course. And have a great time! 🙂

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[kaivethmouse]

Thank you, as usual!!! I just don’t want to freak out over it if he says it, because love scares the bejeezus out of me. Whether it’s me being in love or a guy loving me….it’s utterly terrifying. Hah.

Dress is purchased and now the great shoe hunt shall begin.

[Ask April Masini]

Have a great time! 😀 😀

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[kaivethmouse]

The ball went phenomenonally, and I was able to impress my now-boyfriend & his friends/colleagues with my knowledge of which utensil to use, since most of them were as clueless as I would have been otherwise. Wine was had, except for a round of beer & mixed drinks one of his friends bought for the table.

He’s leaving this week most likely for his 5 week schooling, though there is a chance he won’t go until May. Do you have any tips for keeping communication open & expressing feelings without looking like a lovesick fool? Any tips for helping to keep our relationship strong, healthy, and help us continue to grow closer as a couple?

[Ask April Masini]

Good question! You want to keep him involved while not appearing to be needy. 😉 This means letting him lead the way in the amount of communication that the two of you have. In other words, when he does call or write or text, be your best, flirtatious self so that he misses you — but don’t bombard him with phone messages or blow up his phone with texts. That just looks desperate and it isn’t attractive. Get his address before he leaves and send him a few wonderful little gifts so that he can’t help but think of you — like homemade baked goods, a favorite book, or a great, small, photo of you, framed. These little touches will make him think he’s got the best girlfriend in the world, and absence can and will make the heart grow fonder. 😉

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[kaivethmouse]

April,

Thanks, as always, for the advice! Sorry to plague your board, but I have few friends that can give good advice.

We are going on the third week of him being gone, and it’s been hard in ways I didn’t expect. He is afraid I am going to forget about him & some insecurities that he had are very noticable now because of the distance. Still, we managed to go on. “Date” – we watched a movie on netflix while we skype chatted, and have plans to do it again this coming weekend. The insecurities worry me, though, I have to admit. Is there a chance that they might fade as time goes on?

The ex seems to have taken it in stride that I am dating again, and doesn’t mind. Custody hearing is on the 23rd this month and he is super nervous about it because of child support, but other than that we agree on everything custody/visitation wise and are both very flexible. He has taken more interest in his son’s life now that there is another man in the picture. I don’t have very many worries on dealing with him anymore – we have settled into a type of relationship that suits us.

[Ask April Masini]

[quote]The insecurities worry me, though, I have to admit. Is there a chance that they might fade as time goes on?
[/quote]
Yes, definitely. 😉

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[kaivethmouse]

April,

Everything is going swell. He’s back home – it was a tough few weeks, our conversation was limited to mostly texts and IM’s; we had a lot of misunderstandings due to the nature of texting and IM, but now that he’s back it feels like we’re getting closer than ever.

We’re making plans for when he gets out of the military. We plan on being together still, of course.

The ex and I are actually civil, even on mostly friendly terms. He approves of the new guy which is great.

Life is less complicated!
Just wanted to give you an update and thank you again for all the advice.

-Kai

[Ask April Masini]

Thank you! 😀

I’m glad things are working out for you. 🙂

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[kaivethmouse]

I have a few non-me related questions. I have some friends that are going through relationship issues and they asked me for advice. As you can see from the fact I peppered you with questions I am not the best at this, although I think I have an idea.

1. R & O. R has like no life, she’s got issues with actually keeping friends. In fact, she’s not even my friend really – she’s my boyfriend’s roomie’s coworker and the cause of our first fight that wasn’t just a minor conflict due to seeing each other 24/7. But its worked out & was cause she was relaying messages on to him from me to her, and then started telling me what he was saying about other things even though I’d asked her not to. *headdesk*

Anywy. R has no job, isn’t in school, and is literally ALWAYS over. I never not see her vehicle when I am here…so I know some of the issues stem from her not giving O space. I keep telling her to do non-O things and not be available to him but ugh. R doesn’t listen to that – but the real reason I am asking is because O does something I am curious about. They will have sex – and tnen he will go watch porn. That’s a big wtf with me as my own boyfriend will just have more sex if he’s not completely satisfied. Or wake me up in the middle of the night for it. Why could he be doing that? Could he have a porn addiction or is he. just an ass?

2. A & T. A is my brother practically so this one is closer to home. He is head over heels in love with T, and they started dating approx 4 and a half months ago, same as my boyfriend and I. Instead of their relationship continuing to progress, he puts too much stock in her and she pushes himaway. After a month, she told him he speaks to her too much and needed to cool it down because she had other things to do. Now though she’s told him that they have to stop having sex because the relationship is all about it now – or if he wanted to put the spark back in their sexual relationship, she wanted too have a 4some with my. Oyfriend and I. Of course I said fuck no, but to me it looks like she is pulling away – she never contacts him first & he is going away for several weeks next month after they’ll have been together 5 months and he wants her to spend the night with him with no sex before he leaves, and she fed him a bunch of “well we shouldn’t spend the night until we have been together for 6 months” bs, because while I understand 6 months is the standard monogamy mark, they have supposedly been monogamous from day one. Am I reading thigns right? Does it seem like she is pulling away? The correct thing to do for A is to stop being so damn clingy but am I imagining a problem where there isn’t one because he is my brother?

And then another non problem question: am I always going to get butterflies and/or tummy flips when my boyfriend kisses me? I thought these things were supposed to fade but I still get that “omg this is really happening” butterfly-y feel and it’s kinda odd to me.

[Ask April Masini]

Please give your friends this website address and have them post their questions here, themselves. It’s a lot better if I can talk to them directly, and it’s a lot easier for everyone reading here if this string of posts you started is strictly about you. 😀

So, in response to your questions…..

[quote]am I always going to get butterflies and/or tummy flips when my boyfriend kisses me? I thought these things were supposed to fade but I still get that “omg this is really happening” butterfly-y feel and it’s kinda odd to me.[/quote]

No, you won’t ALWAYS feel this way, but sometimes you will — and lucky you! — you still do. 😉 This isn’t a problem. It’s a good thing. Enjoy it. 😀

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[kaivethmouse]

Hi, April!

We sort of ditched your relationship timeline. We moved in together at the beginning of September and he proposed two weeks ago – we are hopefully getting married in April if his schedule doesn’t change again, but because of his hectic sea schedule with the Navy looking at eloping and then having a ceremony once he is back from deployment in a little over a year.

I don’t really have a question, just thought itd be nice to drop in and let you know how things are going. Thank you for all your advice early on 🙂

[Ask April Masini]

You’re very, very welcome — and I’m really happy for you. Congratulations, and THANK YOU for letting me know how things are going. 😀 😀

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[kaivethmouse]

Happy holidays, April!!!

We seem to have hit a patch of him going OH GOD I HATE MY JOB. I hate his job, too. Like I said beforehe is Navy. There are a handful of people on the boat qualified to do his job – maintenance on the nuclear reactor’s cooling system along with the operation of it. Bad part? Of that handful the only two that seem to ever do any of the work are my fiance and his friend. So they pretty much always get the shaft.

Well. He is crabby, stressed, hating his job more and more. Its starting to become a problem because he refuses to talk about it and just lets his frustrations build until he starts to become irrational towards me. I believe we can work through this – mostly because I have the patience and understanding of a saint since I’ve been there, done that. I actually think he’s got a bit of seasonal depression going on…not a medical professional of course but I’ve been there, done that. He doesn’t believe in therapy/psychologists. I think talking about his job and his frustrations will help keep them from building – what is a good, nonconfrontational way to get him to talk other than a “how is your day”?

Other than this problem, we are very looking forward to our first Christmas together – especially since he will probably be deployed for next year’s. We have found hobbies and activities to do together that both of us love – final fantasy 14 (which is an mmorpg), and we have gotten really into going to the shooting range, even bought our own weapon and plan on buying another in the coming months. Our sex life is phenomenonal. He’s trying to help me get back into running. My son calls him by a special, nonDaddy pet name although we aren’t sure what it (the name) means, and he has slowly become more of a parent to my son than his own dad, who calls visitation “babysitting” and if its a few extra hours its “a favor.”

[Ask April Masini]

When your partner has job pressures, it’s normal that it will affect your relationship with him. The trick for you is not to try and fix his problems, or him. I know you love him and want things to be better for him, but if you deny him the opportunity to figure out what’s going on and what he needs to do, you’ll be making things worse. I know it’s hard when you think you know how to fix things and he’s not doing what you think is right, but you have to back off.

That said, there are things you can do to make life better. For instance, make your home life and your personal life as cozy and wonderful as possible. Focus on your very fine sex life. Make him feel like he’s special and irreplaceable to you. In other words, do your job as a partner as well as you can, and don’t try to fix what isn’t in your “job description” because when you do, in spite of your good intentions, it’s going to a) remind him of the stress on the job and b) feel like you’re nagging and criticizing him, even when you aren’t. You can even tell him once or twice (but not more) that you feel badly for the stress he’s suffering at the job, but you know that he’s the kind of man who will figure out a way to fix this because you have so much faith and confidence in him. If he’s getting the short end of the stick over and over at work, he’s missing someone telling him how great he is, and that’s where you come in. Even if you’re telling him what a great boyfriend, step-dad and lover he is — it’s still boosting his self esteem and confidence, and those tools will bleed into his work life, eventually.

We all have bad jobs at some point in life, and the upside of them is figuring out how we want to deal with a bad situation. I guarantee you that this dynamic will rear it’s head again at some point in your lives together — whether at work, with family, in the relationship, or somewhere else — and this is the moment he has to practice dealing with difficulty to gain a tool for the future.

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