[melvaughn]

I had a close friendship with a guy who I had a lot in common with and who originally flirted and tried to get me into bed in the beginning. I rejected him because he had issues with his ex at the time (and I’m also a virgin) although he didn’t know that. Despite rejecting him our friendship continued on although he later told me he felt really rejected. He even suggested dating once or twice after but he was soon moving overseas so it never happened. To make a long story short, he moved away, I developed feelings, or perhaps had them all along. I told him I had feelings, (even told him one of the reasons I rejected him is because I’m a virgin). He didn’t say much regarding that, but invited me to visit him in Spain and proceeded to send flirty, sexual texts leading up to my visit. I had already decided I wanted to sleep with him, even if just a fling. When I went to visit, (and I was only with him for three nights) he treated me like a sister despite staying the night with him in his room! He wouldn’t so much as touch me and talked about other women to me! I finally broke down and asked if he wasn’t curious about our chemistry. He said ‘no’, which I know is a lie since he had wanted to date and then he proceeded to give me the classic lines “I don’t want to ruin our friendship, sex ruins everything, I don’t want to hurt you or get hurt myself. He even asked me “why I wanted to be with him”, as if it was baffling. He told me that after I rejected him, he never wanted to get physical with me again and that he was respecting me. But to have never thought of getting physical again seems unlikely. I’m attractive! So was he really just never interested all along despite the sexual texts? Or was this some form of revenge on his part? Like I rejected him so he’s going to reject me now? Did he get cold feet? I thought a guy would never turn down sex? Now I feel I can’t even have a successful fling, let alone a relationship. What happened? (and Sadly I think our friendship is now ruined too)

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You didn’t give me a time frame, so I’m going to assume that this whole thing took place over a not very long time, during which, he was interested in you romantically and sexually in the very beginning, but when you rejected him sexually, and then you rejected dating him, he went elsewhere for those needs. 😳 Then you changed your mind, and he’s moved on. 🙁

As for the friendship being ruined, it wasn’t — because it was never a friendship. Men and women can’t be friends because one person always likes the other one more, and there is miscommunication at best and hurt feelings at worst. You’re experiencing this now. I’m going to answer your questions one by one so you can process what happened, but the bottom line is that he’s not your friend and there was probably never a friendship because these romantic and sexual feelings are NOT part of friendship. These feelings mean what you have is something else, but it doesn’t mean he’s your friend or you’re his.

[quote]So was he really just never interested all along despite the sexual texts? [/quote]

Texts are one thing. Saying stuff is another thing, but a guy’s behavior is what you have to really use to judge his intentions. He may have flirted with you, but when push came to shove, he was JUST flirting with you. That’s it.

[quote]Or was this some form of revenge on his part? Like I rejected him so he’s going to reject me now? [/quote]

You didn’t write enough about him for me to know this side of his character, but if he is someone who is vengeful, or spiteful, or has a mean streak, then this could be revenge on his part.

[quote]Did he get cold feet? I thought a guy would never turn down sex? [/quote]

He may have decided that he didn’t want the responsibility of having sex with a virgin. He may have just wanted sex and realized that sex changes everything — especially for women — and that it would be very difficult for you to see your first time with him as more than just a fling. You’d get attached and if he’s not that into you, you’d get hurt — and he may just not have wanted to hurt you. Guys don’t usually turn sex down — but it’s different knowing that you’re a virgin, and he can get sex other places without the commitment he might think you’d want.

[quote]Now I feel I can’t even have a successful fling, let alone a relationship. What happened? (and Sadly I think our friendship is now ruined too)[/quote]

Of course you can have a relationship! 😀 And I hope you will. 😉 But you have to understand some basics about men and women, and one of them is that men and women shouldn’t be friends. Stay focused on your goal, and if it’s a relationship you want, then you have to find, get and keep a guy who wants the same with you. If someone doesn’t, then don’t waste your time or his. As for a fling, you’re using both terms, relationship and fling, in the same sentence, almost interchangeably and they’re very different, so focus on what it is you want, and then go for it. As for your friendship being ruined, I don’t think you ever really had a friendship. It was him wanting more, then you wanting more, and now that it looks like you’re not going to get what you want, and neither is he, it’s time for you to move on.

I hope that helps!

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