[beckyleigh]

So last spring, towards the end of my senior year of high school, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend of 3 months. He then didn’t talk to me for 2 weeks after, refused to answer my calls, when it was normal for us to see each other every day, so him not calling me back was extremely strange. (And no, I wasn’t calling him hundreds of times, it was once a day) So, I then learn that he’s had another girlfriend since before we started dating, and I was completely devastated. I never confronted him about it but I’ve never been able to trust any guy since. So, during that time I was really leaning on one of my close guy friends, and he was really supportive of me and helped me get through it. So, during the summer I ended up hooking up with my guy friend after a few drinks. We didn’t have sex, but we did pretty much everything else. Afterwords, we just sort of let it go and went back to our normal friendship, not a big deal. I never really saw him as a boyfriend, and he had always had a crush on one of my girl friends anyways, so I didn’t really have any desire to further that.

So, then we all went off to college, and I went to school far away home, none of my friends are here with me. In college, there is obviously a lot of partying, and I have been sleeping around with a lot of random guys that I meet at parties. I feel like they don’t see me as a possible girlfriend, and none of the guys I’ve met here have been respectful at all, and have all treated me like I meant nothing to them but a quick hookup. And after what happened with my ex, I haven’t been able to trust any guy I have ever been with here.

So, I have been friends with a guy that I met in my hall since the beginning of the year, and he’s always flirted with me a little bit, never outrightly said he likes me or anything serious, just kind of jokingly flirting. I never really considered him to be my type anyways. So one night, I had a really bad time at a party, and I went over to his room to vent and we ended up sleeping together. Since then we have been hanging out a lot more, and have slept together 3 times. We don’t sleep together every time we hang out, but usually we end up cuddling and kissing for a little bit if we don’t. So then, one day he was kissing me goodbye and he told me he liked me, he didn’t say anything about wanting a relationship with me but just that he likes me. I don’t think he was saying that just so that I would sleep with him because I was leaving, and we hadn’t slept together that time, so that makes me feel like he was being sincere. I feel like I could trust him as a boyfriend, but there are two problems.

The first is that I am transferring to a school closer to home, and I wouldn’t be able to see him often at all, because I would have to fly to where he lives, and I can’t afford that. I also don’t think I really want to try to have a long distance relationship because I have seen my friends try them, and have it fail miserably and them get hurt. Also, with my trust issues I just don’t see myself being able to handle it.

The second problem is that I think I may be getting together with my guy friend from back at home who I hooked up with over the summer. He has started to realize that the girl he has been crushing on isn’t interested, and he’s been leaning on me while he’s trying to get over her, and its made me realize that he would be a really good boyfriend, and he has been hinting that he wants to at least hook up with me again when we see each other next, which is in about a month and a half. He knows I am really frustrated with all that has happened while I have been here, and that I am fed up, and ready for a real relationship with a guy that will treat me well. I don’t feel like he is over the other girl yet though, which makes me nervous about trying to start anything with him. I told him that I want to be in a relationship with him someday when I was talking to him when he was upset about the other girl, and he told me that means a lot to him and that me and my friend are the only girls he could ever see himself with, so I don’t really know what that means. Since that, we have continued on as normal.

Anyways I am going to be going to the same college as him next fall, so that is whats making me think I might want to stop the thing with the guy here, because right now, we are not actually together, but we also aren’t seeing other people. Kind of the in between stage. So I would feel horrible if I went to see my friend from home and hooked up with him, because I know he is not seeing anyone else. And after what happened with my ex, I would never cheat on somebody. But on the other hand, I want to see if I might have something with the guy from at home.

Sorry this was such a long post but I’d appreciate anyone’s thoughts on this, thanks!

[AskApril Masini]

Trust your instincts. 😉 You’re right — a long distance relationship with the guy you’re seeing at college now, won’t work. You don’t seem like someone who has the discipline for a long distance relationship — and you don’t seem like you are that committed to this guy, so don’t waste his time or yours trying to have a long distance relationship.

That said, your instincts about the guy who goes to your new college is using you as Ms. Right Now — and you’re doing the same. You’re so afraid of being single, that you’re jumping into relationships with guys who aren’t right for you — even when you know, deep down, that they’re not right — just to have someone. This is going to waste your time, distract you from any goals you have for a relationship, and confuse you and complicate your life.

Pause and slow down in your dating and figure out what it is you want in a relationship, and then focus on getting that. 😉

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