[happybeachy1]

Hi – in May 2013 I met up with an old flame from years ago. He was reeling from a break-up, I was getting over a divorce and it was just so nice to see an old friend that was “safe” and I had history with. Since we were long distance (NY/Dallas) we both assumed this was just a friendship and have both been dating other people. As time went by we started seeing each other every 6 weeks. I met his kids, parents, we went on vacations together. I think he liked me more than a friend but given the way we met and that he was “recovering” I never let the idea enter my mind for very long that this was just 2 people who really liked each other and “escaped” together.

In January I started adding things up and realized that my feelings for him were far greater than what I thought. I’d realized that I’d been sabotaging every relationship since I met him. At the same time my friends starting pointing out that I was “obviously in love with him and him with me”. I took the realization that I was in love with him very hard and it was a huge game changer for me. I felt I betrayed the friendship and tried to break away from him. At the same time, I started wanting to see him instead of just casually hoping we would get together. I started feeling jealousy. I started getting scared I’d never see him again. I have not articulated any of this to him, but my behavior has been erratic. I tend to push him away because I don’t know how to deal with it. Every time I push away, he tells me he is hurt, but at the same time, he hasn’t made any real effort to see me. Given that I believe “if a man wants (to see) you, he’ll make it happen”, I’ve been hoping he will, but he doesn’t. My frustration is growing deeper. Every time he calls or texts, the feelings pour back and any hope I have for starting something with someone else is out the window.

This is disrupting my life and my concentration on things that matter (family, job, etc.) I don’t know what to do. Do I suck it up and just go visit (he has told me that he does want to see me and I’m welcome any time), do I tell him on the phone how I feel and just ask him not to call or text any more so I can move on? What is the right thing to do here? Please help me end the misery. (I think I need to change my happy username!)

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First, a couple of questions:

1. How old are you?

2. And when you say that you had a long distance friendship, was there sex involved?

Let me know and I’ll give you my advice. 🙂

[happybeachy1]

We are both in our 40s and yes there was sex. He seemed to always resent that I described the relationship as FWB but to me that’s all it was (or so I thought).

[happybeachy1]

I should also add that when I’d go to see him, it didn’t matter who he was seeing, he’d tell them “tough luck” and break it off with them. He’s very hurt that I have not had him meet my family or friends. I realize I’ve probably hurt him along the way. I took his “i’m damaged” words at the beginning too seriously to even consider that he (and I) might want more.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you. That makes this a lot clearer. 😉

First of all, you have to grasp an understanding of what friendship is, and what dating is. Friendship does not involve sex. You don’t have sex with your friends. Sex is what lovers do. Granted, you can have a one night stand with someone who’s less a lover than a hit and run — but he’s still not your friend. Men and women can’t be friends because one person always wants more than the other, and this is not the dynamic of friendship. If you can accept that, you’ll have an easier time with relationships. 🙂

Next, understand that you were a rebound relationship, since he was “reeling from a break up” when the two of you began dating. That doesn’t mean things can’t work out in the long run, but it is a different situation than if he was clear that he wanted to find a woman to marry. When you fall into things and aren’t conscious of what you’re doing, or simply default to what’s easiest, you can have a great short term relationship, but often, find yourself uncomfortable or unhappy in the long term. That’s what’s happening now.

Typically, I suggest the following time frame for dating: Spend the first three months deciding if you want to continue seeing each other. Spend the second three months deciding if you want to be monogamous. If after six months of dating, you want to be monogamous, but he doesn’t, you should move on — if you’re looking for Mr. Right (a long term, committed relationship).

It sounds like you’ve a) stayed longer than you should have, with a guy who doesn’t have the same relationship goals you do and b) weren’t focused on a goal for yourself. My advice is not to tell him how you feel, but show him, by not going to visit him any more, and at the same time, dialing up your flirtation, and teasing him into the next level. I know that this is a shift, and he may not take the bait, but you basically need to get him to chase you. It’s harder to do this mid-stream, than if you start out with this strategy. What you’ve been doing is making it too easy for him to be with you, which at the same time, made it harder for you to see his intentions. If he does chase after you, then that’s good. If he doesn’t, then you’ll know that this was convenient for him, but not something he’s serious about, and while disappointing, the clarity will allow you to move on.

I hope that helps.

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[happybeachy1]

Thanks – I am not sure what dialing up the flirtation means. How do I flirt with someone who is so far away? And to be honest, that prolongs my agony sitting here “waiting for him to take the bait”. What about just walking away and the old “if you love something set it free…..”?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You can definitely walk away, as long as you’re okay walking away and can do it, and move on. I got the feeling that you were going to have a hard time doing that. As for flirting with someone long distance — gosh, there are tons of long distance relationships that survive because people flirt and make each other feel special without being in the same room, house or state. 😉 You can flirt on the phone using your intonation, your words, your texts, your e-mails, sending gifts — there are loads of ways to flirt with someone who isn’t with you in person. I’m sure that if you think about it you can figure out phone flirting. 😎 But if you want to just move on, after a year, that’s legitimate, as long as you’re complete with the experience.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
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