[timd84]

Hi April,

I’m in a difficult situation and need your advice. I’ve been married for almost 5 years to my best friend in high school. We, like many others, fell in love, moved in together, moved apart, got married and had 2 children. Over the past 8 years my wife and I have never seen eye to eye. We share very few, if any, things in common. Red lights were all over the place before we got married but we did it anyway because we thought love would be enough to shelter any storm. One of our primary problems has been her possessive and controlling nature towards me. I lost all my friends out of school because she demanded all my time. I couldn’t even plan on meeting with them in fear of making her upset; I know, big red lights. My fear of her wrath made me a slave to her will. I dreaded coming home from work everyday; I still do. I’ve told her for years I wanted my free will but have never stood up to her and taken it. I’m always on the edge of leaving but have always stayed for the sake of my children. I love them so very much. I didn’t want them to go what I went through.

This is where things get difficult.

At work there is a woman. She has been working with our company for a year and just recently we’ve became closer friends. Going out to lunch alone together, talking more in the office, sharing thoughts. When we go to lunch with a group I feel she always finds a way to sit next to me. Brushes my hand at times. Even stays up until 1am IM’ing me. We share so many common interests that I long for in a relationship. I find myself wanting to be around her not because of the basic male hormones. She reminded me that there are good people out there and I deserve to live a happy life. Whether we end up together or not, she gave me something very special. I’ll thank her for that someday.

Making things more complicated; she has a boyfriend. I don’t know how their relationship is going or if it’s serious but that’s besides the point. In the end she may not even be interested in me and I’ll have to stand on my own. I don’t want to seem like one of those scummy guys who cheats on his wife and is looking for a way to do it discretely. I want an honest relationship filled with happiness and I’m willing to wait for it.

The breaking point…

After 8 years of this relationship destroying me I finally stood up for myself and let my wife know that I’m done with her controlling and possessive nature. I told her that I’m taking steps to creating separation between us. After a 4 hour discussion she apologized and said she’ll stop controlling me. She said I can have free will. Have friends and a social life again.

April, I have to be honest with you.

8 years of this abuse has changed me. I’m timid, socially phobic and get nervous around other people; I don’t know why. I never was like that before. I know my wife can change and I’m so glad she’ll become a better person, but not for me. For herself, our children and her future relationships. My heart is gone from this marriage and it makes me sad to see all of the times that were good to be gone. I want more than anything for her to find happiness in life but I need to move on. I love my children and I want them to be impacted as little as humanly possible during this transition; they are still very young. I know stress will come to me during this process as is the nature of things but my young children are innocent and don’t deserve any of this.

So what advice can you give me as I move forward?

So there it is. I’ve never done this before so putting out all of these feeling is a little weird but refreshing at the same time. Thanks for reading my post. I really do appreciate it.

Sincerely,

Looking for peace…

[Anonymous]

First, you have a lot of courage and integrity. Your children come first, before you, and before any future relationship you may (and will) be in. Get a good divorce lawyer so you know what to expect of this process and so your wife does not steamroll over you. It sounds like you are no longer emotionally in your marriage. If you decide to leave it, you want to be able to see your children and you deserve to not have the other parent badmouthing you to the children. Those issues can be addressed in a separation agreement. People don’t change all that much and actions speak louder than words. Your wife has been running things for a long time and she will continue to expect her way through any change in your relationship status. hat’s probably how she feels “safe.”

Second, forget about the woman at work. You are not in a position to be with someone right now because you have more important things on your plate. Once you are safely and securely out of this marriage and have a fixed visitation schedule with the kids, and you know they are going to be okay, then you can start dating — casually. The woman at work is just your reminder that things in your life can be different than they are and you can do something about that. But she is a red light in terms of actual involvement (boyfriend, work colleague — no, no no!). You couldn’t have said it better — “I have to stand on my own.” Keep that phrase in mind as you go through this process. Good luck!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you dated your wife for three years before marrying her and have been married for five years and have two young children. Things have been going downhill, without relief, and now you want out. 😳 Because of those children and your wife’s agreement to make changes when you told her how unhappy you were, my advice is to [i]put the children first[/i] and work on your marriage. This is NOT the easy way out. Divorce is. But if you want to do what is right for your kids, and possibly for your marriage, my advice is to roll up your sleeves and face your fears.

I think you’ve been taken advantage of by this woman at work….. Here’s why: If you’ve become” timid and phobic and nervous around people” it’s understandable that this flirtatious woman who is IM’ing you at 1 a.m. 😯 and to whom you’re attracted, who seems to have no children or marriage herself, who said you should go for something better, basically seduced you. 😮 She’s playing with you. In another circumstance, that advice might have worked, but think about the source: If [i]your[/i] girlfriend were lunching with a guy at work, brushing up against him and IMing him at the home he shares with his wife and kids at 1 a.m., wouldn’t you think twice about her character? 😕 And maybe even her motivation?

So here’s what I’d like you to consider: Please roll up your sleeves for some emotional work! Blaming your wife for the dynamic (I’m not sure that your calling her behavior abuse is fair) the two of you developed together requires looking in the mirror and figuring out [u]your[/u] part in this. If you’ve become, as you write: timid, socially phobic, and nervous around people, I sincerely doubt that that is something she single handedly caused, and you’ve got to admit that those aren’t very sexy characteristics for a husband to bring home each night. 🙁 My guess is that she’s as unhappy as you are. 😳

BUT…[i] she wants to change [/i]and because you made children with her and you married her, you owe it to yourself, to the marriage, but mostly to your two young children to take her up on her offer to make changes — and see if you’re willing to make some yourself. If you don’t, your two toddlers will be hurt in what will probably be a custody war, a loss of lifestyle for them, and not seeing their dad for at least half the time they’re growing up. ([b]Yvonne[/b] gives you very strong advice and a good opinion, but the truth is that no court order or separation agreement preventing parents from bad mouthing each other [u]is actually enforceable[/u].)

Marriage isn’t easy. And the chances are that you’re going to bring these problems you’ve developed in this marriage into whatever relationship you may get into next if you do leave. It’s MUCH better to try and figure out where YOU went wrong, without pointing fingers, and see if YOU can’t change your behavior that led to this and embrace her spirit of wanting to make things better.

I know this was a lot to hear — but you have a lot at stake. I’m here if you need me, and I hope you’ll let me know how things go!

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[timd84]

Wow.
Thank you April and Yvonne for your thoughtful replies. You both are the outside perspectives I needed.

I agree April, she may be playing games with me or I may be reading too far into her friendliness; either way, I’ll get hurt and hurt others if I engage in any relationship without making decisions in the one I’m in first. But that’s logic talking and we know what I’m dealing with is emotion. My entire marriage, until now, I have never viewed another woman as something I desired. I would be lying to you ladies if I told you I have no desire for her still. What do I need to do to get her out of my mind? I’ve already declined a lunch once with her and, after 5 minutes, began to brood over why I didn’t go to lunch with her. Please understand, without considerable effort applied in the correct way I may stay infatuated with her; i do understand this is infatuation at this stage and it too will pass.

Remember how I told you I passed on our lunch together? Well she just texted me asking if I’m okay. Even though she’s in a relationship, I’m not daft. I can tell she is in someway drawn to me; making it even more difficult to straighten this all out. I’m still very attracted to her as well.

Enough with the office distractions. Let’s talk about my marriage.

My wife and I were in love. I felt it. Once you got past all of those different stages of what you think love is, you finally arrive there. I think it’s somewhere between looking past their faults and doing their laundry. I understand she wants to change her life but I feel deep down that the damage is so deep. To put this in guy emotion, I don’t know if my love for her surpasses the hurt she inflicted. But I find my love for my children makes me strong enough to do anything. But do I stay strictly for my children? Is that fair to myself? Is thinking about myself selfish here?

Should I spend anymore time thinking or act upon my current impulse?
I don’t want to sit around and get analysis paralysis but this situation is pretty heavy.

-Looking for peace

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very committed to your emotions —[i] too [/i]committed to them. 😳 It’s fine to have feelings — people in great, long-term marriages are also attracted to others, but it doesn’t mean that they allow those attractions or distractions to interfere with what’s important to them. Flirtation is great, but it doesn’t have to go anywhere. You’re putting way too much emphasis on your feelings and not enough on your commitments, your behavior and your responsibilities. You’re really indulging your feminine side and you need to unleash your masculine side.

Once you have children, your needs have to take a backseat to theirs. They have to be more important than you are. So in answer to your question, yes, you should stay for your children. You have a wife and the mother of your children who wants to work with you to make your marriage better. Don’t go the easy route and leave them now. If you still want to leave when they’re 18, that’s the time to look for the door. But as children, it’s better for them to have one home with one father and one mother, and given the circumstances you described, there isn’t really the kind of abuse or detriment to the kids in your marriage now, to warrant a split being better for them.

Here’s how you get rid of the distractions in your life:

1. Tell your friend at work that you don’t want to be friends — you just want to be friendly in the office without any double entendres or misunderstandings.

2. Stop responding to her personal contacts. No more lunch. No more phone or IM messaging unless it’s about work.

3. There is no three. That’s it!

Then, you start taking your wife out on a date once a week. And, you get grandparents or aunts and uncles to babysit the kids so you can take her away for a monthly weekend vacation — and twice a year, a week without the kids. In other words, spark your sex life; spark your intimate life; treat her like your girlfriend, not just the mother of your children.

Figure out how the two of you can make the marriage work.

I hope that helps! 😀

[timd84]

Done and done.

I’ve taken your advice and the distraction is taken care of. Little uncomfortable but very necessary. Thanks for hanging in there with me while I got my emotions in check.

Ever since we had children I’ve been seeing her, as she’s been seeing herself, primarily as a mother. Our marriage took a back seat and I guess we forgot it was there. We both became complacent, let our marriage deteriorate and I never honestly pressed her for a change until just recently; I believe she can change.

I’ll take a few months following your instructions and will be sure to report back.

Thanks for keeping me on track.

-Looking for a peace

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m impressed. 😀 Your understanding and ability to articulate the problem really resonates as true. It’s very common for women to become consumed with motherhood and forget about their romantic and sexual relationships with their husbands, and likewise, it’s common for men to see their wives differently after childbirth — even if they weren’t in a front row seat, they now often see their wives as mothers, and forget that they used to be girlfriends and sexual creatures of desire!

If you can get back to that latter phase, you can retrieve and reinvent your marriage — for your kids, for your relationship…. and for you.

You’ve got some work ahead of you, so my advice is to start treating your wife like a woman you want to pursue. Start seeing her as sexy and flirting with her. Send her flowers or a sexy gift. Take her out to dinner without kids and to a place where there are no kids at any of the tables! Begin to re-introduce champagne and chocolates, lingerie and cologne back into your lives. Get babysitters and take her away — out of the house with the toys and the sippy cups and the childproofed electrical outlets so you can BOTH forget, if only for a few hours, that you’re parents! Remember that she needs wooing — women warm up a lot more slowly, and she’s got some catching up to do on that front.

And let me know how things go. I’m rooting for you! 😀

[Member]

Posts