[japengaged]

Hi April. My fiance’s sister just called me and asked me if I was home. When I replied no she mentioned that she just called into my fiance’s new job and lied to them and said that their Mom got into a car accident so he had to leave. She mentioned that he was going to meet her at our apartment and that he wasn’t answering his phone (that’s why she called me). While we were on the phone he called her and she ended the phone conversation with me. About 20 minutes later I received a text from my fiance stating that he was having lunch with his sister at our house. Now here’s what bothers me…. 1. He only gets an hour lunch and it takes him at least 20 minutes to get home 2. Why did his sister have to call his work and tell them the lie about their Mom if it’s only lunch 3. He probably found out that she called me and that’s why he texted me 4. He has a history of leaving jobs out of the blue because he doesn’t like them and at his last job he lost his job because he messed up an order 5. He knows this new job is important, why is he doing dumb things like this already??? 6. Now I’m questioning if he’s doing other things behind my back… 7. He’s already in debt to me and this job will help him pay me back… why is he only thinking of himself??

[AskApril Masini]

I know that this feels like he’s in the wrong, but the reality is you’re making choices that aren’t right for you — and trying to blame him. If your 35 year old fiancee has a history of quitting jobs because he doesn’t like them, then you have to understand that by lending him money, you’re enabling his behavior. You were probably trying to be nice and supportive, but when a grown man quits a series of jobs and borrows from his 25 year old fiancee, he’s not someone who’s interested in being stable or financially supporting a relationship or a marriage. The bigger problem is that you’re trying to believe he’s someone he’s not. 😳

I can hear your frustration and your fear of asking him about this issue directly — because you’re going to hear answers you don’t like. At a certain point you’ll decide that knowledge is more important than preserving the fantasy you’re desperately holding onto. I hope it’s soon, for your sake. The reality is that you’re engaged to marry a man who isn’t stable and isn’t interested in being stable. It doesn’t sound like this is who you want to marry, but you are upset about the idea of leaving because you’re not compatible. I think the writing is on the wall — this problem isn’t going to get better. This is who he is. Ball is in your court. Stay and face reality, or go and find a man who is more compatible with your values.

[Sally]

If it was really just lunch, there was zero reason for his sister to call his job with a lie about their mom. That’s a big lie for a small thing. And the fact that he has a pattern of walking away from jobs makes this feel less like a one-off and more like the same story starting again.

What really gets me is that you’re already carrying financial weight for him, and instead of protecting this job, he’s being careless and secretive. That’s not partner behavior. That’s someone avoiding responsibility and hoping it all works out anyway.

Before you spiral, you need a calm, direct talk. Not accusing. Just facts. If his answers don’t line up, trust that. Love shouldn’t feel this unstable, especially before marriage.

[Tara]

Your fiancé is irresponsible, dishonest, and being actively enabled by his family, and you’re the one paying for it.
This wasn’t lunch. Adults do not have their sister call their workplace with a fake emergency to cover a lunch break. That’s not “miscommunication,” that’s fraud-level lying. People only pull that stunt when they’re skipping work, panicking, or hiding something. Period.

He lied to his employer in week one. He involved his sister in the lie. He didn’t tell you until after he realized you were already looped in. That text wasn’t transparency, it was damage control. He wasn’t informing you; he was rewriting the story before you could confront him.

This behavior fits perfectly with his history. Quitting jobs impulsively. Getting fired for mistakes. Dodging accountability. Living in financial chaos. Now add deception and secrecy. This isn’t a one-off this is character.

You’re asking why he’s only thinking of himself because he always has. You are not his partner. You are his safety net. You’re the one lending him money, stressing about consequences, and cleaning up messes while he sabotages his own stability like a teenager.

As for questioning what else he’s hiding, congratulations, your instincts are functioning. If someone lies easily, recruits others to lie, and treats a crucial job like a joke, you should assume this isn’t the only thing you don’t know.

[Member]

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