[KalishaJ91]

I am currently 24 years old and I have 2 beautiful children who are 2 and 2 months. I was with their father for a little over 4 years. We broke up in November of last year because we just kept arguing. On my end it was because I felt alone in my pregnancy and my hormones were all over the place and it was like he could not understand that. He also began to lie and hide stuff from me and become sneaky. for instance, he felt I was no longer giving the attention he wanted to he jumped on a dating app talking about he was just looking for friends and at that point I could not take it anymore at this point and I was. Then he began to stop giving me the attention I deserved and he would stay out past the time his class was over and he would just go and hang with his friends instead of coming home and helping take over the responsibility of our 2 year old since I could not do much since I was so close to giving birth. It took for him to move to another city away from our kids and myself to realize what he missed out on. I still love him with everything in me because For the first time ever around August of last year I seen the man in him that I always wanted him to be for me and my kids and it was like once things started going wrong in his life as far as financially he began to shut me out. He has asked to marry every year we have been together and this last time I said yea because I felt like he was growing up and was ready to help me with our kids and start us on the right path but that derailed quickly when things started going wrong for him. We have given each other a lot of space and we barley were speaking unless it was about the child and now we are finally getting back to the point where we are learning how to be friends. I have been hurt by this man so much but I have given him ample opportunities to make it up and he did until he would do something else that would hurt me again. I just want to get my relationship back with him because I love this man still and he is an amazing father and for the first time in a long time I can really communicate with him without either of us blowing up first then speaking calmly later. He is an amazing father to our kids and my daughter looks up to him. My question is how can I tell him how I am truly feeling about our situation?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He doesn’t sound like he’s very mature, or was ready for the two children, based on his actions. 🙁 It sounds like you want him to be part of the family, but that you’re walking on eggshells and that the next time things get confrontational (which they do in any relationship, especially one with two children), you’re concerned he’ll revert to abandonment again, based on his history.

Your job is to be realistic. You have two very young children, and you can’t afford to be dreamy or romantic when their father is unstable. You have to do what’s right for you and them. If you want him in their lives, you can’t tell him about your feelings because he’s going to walk out. Your’e not dealing with someone who’s mature or interested in a relationship when it is uncomfortable, doesn’t feel good or requires hard work. He’s going to bolt if he doesn’t feel good.

I don’t think you can count on him for a mature relationship, so try and keep him in the children’s lives as a responsible and loving father, but if you push him towards the kind of relationship you want, which is honest and open, you’re going to lose him, and so will the kids. I know this is disappointing to hear, but you can’t lose what you don’t have, and it sounds like he’s had one foot out the door (and sometimes two), for a long time now. Focus on his parenting the kids, but don’t count on a relationship with him that is going to be mature or stable for you.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[KalishaJ91]

Hello, your response was something I needed to read. This is exactly what I was telling myself in the back of my head but I was allowing my feelings to cloud that. I know for a fact he is not mature enough for a relationship. I had so much hope in him but he let me down too many times and you are correct I will just let him focus on taking care of our kids and leave our relationship where its at now which is being co-parents. Thank you so much for this advice.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome. Let me know if you need anything else. You’re going to be fine — just remember that life is just not always going to go the way you thought it was going to go, but it will go and you will find the best situation for you and your kids on a timeline that works because it’s the right timeline. Be patient with yourself and stay focused. 😉

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