[aisukissu]

Background:

Been dating my boyfriend, 32, for 6 months now & we are pretty serious. Met his entire family almost immediately and his close group of friends, as well as mine. things felt right.

During the early 2 months stage of courtship, he asked me how I felt about Male and Female friendship, my response, ” so long as it’s genuinely a friendship and with boundaries, gender makes no difference to me.”
his response,” okay, great! because i have a very close best friend who is a female & i’ve known her from childhood, became friends her sophomore his jr yr in high school. ”

.. at one point i asked if he had any regrets not fighting for her he was very hesitant to answer. then he the first words out of his mouth was,” I wouldn’t date her anyways because when her relationship with her husband got rocky she slept with her husband’s cousin and best guy friend…”
my initial reaction was – WRONG RESPONSE. what about, I no longer have feelings for her????

fastfoward to present time: she’s been married for 13 years has 2 children with this very unattractive but wealthy man & is a stay at home Mom. My BF is their children’s GodFather.

as time unveiled he wanted to know from the beginning if their friendship would be problematic, because apparently he’s had a few that ended bc they all though his and her friendship to be very inappropriate. – did i mention he also told me he had a big crush, actually he “really liked her a lot” but so did his close friend and they let her decide, of course she chose the friend and he’s -” nice guy finish last.”

The Situation:
I, 30, was first introduced to my boyfriend’s female BFF at her husband’s intimate birthday dinner party (his parents, sister, brother-in-law + 3 kids, us and 2 of their own children) at their home. The last time he’s seen her was “almost a year ago”. Honestly I was hesitant to meet this bff. i met her and she’s a really naturally pretty female. I walked in very open to the situation. it wasn’t until we rang the door bell, did things rapidly change. suddenly he released hold of my hand and took a few steps away from me (unnatural, he’s very affectionate, doesn’t mind PDA- even the first time we met his mom, dad & 2 sisters). when i tried to give him a peck on the cheek, he literally pushed my face off his with his hands and i caught him giving her an embarrass look. his actions that night showed me there was definitely something not right with their “friendship”. (a lot more took place)

we attempted to speak and resolve the BFF issue but it only lead to our first huge fight where he raised his voice at me and got very defensive about her.

At his surprise birthday party I planned 5 weeks in advance.when we arrive at the venue, his family all females and the BFF sat on one side of the table and all the males on the other. He naturally gravitates towards her. After saying his Hi’s he went and pulled a seat right next to her to sit forcing me to sit next to all the males. wasn’t til his sister asked him “wth you doing. go sit next the the guys let your gf sit here.” – there were two empty seats one next to his sister and one next to the bff, of course he pulled the chair next to the bff.

…. she’s constantly calling him to help 1.unload heavy items off her truck 2. help buy dirt for her garden 3.pick up her mail at the post office 4.buy big bulky items for her from Ikea (he drives a sports car, she a pickup truck) 5. stop by her house to pick up seedlings for his Mother’s garden … Her husband is at work Mon-Fri until 7p. those are not my BF’s duties to her as her friend.
I feel that unless her husband is ill, unable to carry his duties due to some health issue, or what she’s asking for is a surprise for him, it’s not OK for her to constantly ask my BF to help with that.

….. 3months ago, i almost broke up with him bc i told him i refuse to be 2nd best in his life. aside from his mom and sisters, i should be his #1. but his actions regarding bff since dec 2013 was making me feel like “the other woman”. he took this to heart and his solution – to keep distance with his friendship. i don’t agree with this, feels like a cop out to the real situation. he says he loves me and doesn’t want to continue hurting me and he’s sorry for making me feel the way he has.

the question:
am i being unreasonble by asking him to stop fulfilling the duties of her husband?
am I just blowing this out of porportions? is it wrong to read their repeated inappropriate actions and get upset, do i have a right to be upset?
is his “solution” actually a solution?
is it wrong of me to ask him to tell her to stop making requests of him and she needs to wait for her husband or call her older brother?
some sound perspective would be so appreciated.

… feeling like “i’ll be left at the alter”

[Ask April Masini]

Clearly, he’s got a crush on this woman and she’s been an obstacle or even deal breaker in other romantic relationships he’s had with women, so you’re not being paranoid, and you’re not off base with this problem. That said, his solution of distancing himself from her seems like a good one. I’m not sure why you think it’s a cop out. ❓ I’ll answer your individual questions, but keep in mind that if he’s really keeping his distance from her, you may be stirring up trouble because you’re angry at what you’ve endured to date — and that is going to create unnecessary drama. Keep your eye on the ball here. If he wants to make things work with you, recognize behavior he wants to change, and is making changes towards a better end with you — that’s what healthy relationships are all about. 🙂 Make sure you’re not holding on to anger when the problem is no longer on the table. 🙂

[quote]am i being unreasonble by asking him to stop fulfilling the duties of her husband?[/quote]

Let’s clarify here because you’ve kind of loaded the question to get a particular answer. 😉 So, let’s break it down. I’m not sure the items you’ve mentioned are actually husbandly duties. For instance, it’s totally reasonable for her to ask him to pick up seedlings for HIS mother’s garden. That’s not her husband’s duty. That’s his. The other things — picking up her mail, bulky items from IKEA and heavy gardening items — could definitely be perceived as husbandly duties, but if the two of them have a history of his doing this stuff, it’s not necessarily a betrayal of you — it’s just habit that doesn’t serve your relationship with him. It’s not like she’s lonely because her husband is working late and she asks him to have dinner with her so she doesn’t have to be alone — or she invites him as a plus one to a party because her husband is out of town. I think you just don’t like the closeness of their relationship and you’re looking for ways to break it up by pointing out “inappropriate” behavior that he’s adopted. You’re not wrong in wanting him to not have a close female friend — but I think you should focus on the broad stokes, not these little items. If you give him a do and don’t list, you’re going to end up as a warden, not a girlfriend or wife, and I think what you really want him to understand is that you want to feel like his one and only. If you did, these little things wouldn’t be a big deal.

[quote]am I just blowing this out of porportions? is it wrong to read their repeated inappropriate actions and get upset, do i have a right to be upset? [/quote]

I think you’re blowing it out of proportion by focusing on the details instead of the big picture which is that when a guy is ready to get married and is really into you, he’ll act like it. That means, he’ll put you first and foremost. He isn’t doing this, and instead of changing your own behavior, you’re looking to him to change his. This isn’t wrong, but there are other ways to approach the problem. For instance, you can rev up your game and make him want you more. I always recommend getting a guy by MAKING him want you — not by telling him what he can’t do. You can also back off a little and not make a big deal about it, but instead, let him know with your behavior, that you’re looking for someone who’s serious about you. I know it’s confusing because he’s doing some of what guys do when they’re serious about you — but not other things, like putting you first around her. You absolutely have a right to be upset — or have any other feeling, but that doesn’t mean it’s wise to share every feeling you have with him. 😉

[quote]is his “solution” actually a solution?[/quote]

I think it’s a viable solution. I’m not sure why you don’t. Unless you think absence is going to make his heart grow fonder of her — in which case, you have a bigger problem than his behaving inappropriately, and that’s having a crush on her that’s keeping him from committing to you. It’s pretty normal for men and women to drop their opposite sex friends as they get serious in relationships, and instead, start going out with couples, which levels the playing field.

[quote]is it wrong of me to ask him to tell her to stop making requests of him and she needs to wait for her husband or call her older brother?[/quote]

I think you want me to give you a moral answer, and that’s not going to help you. The strategic answer is that the more you make a mountain out of a molehill you’re going to have an issue in the relationship. Clearly, she has resources to use if she needs a handyman or a delivery service, but it sounds like your boyfriend is in the habit of doing these things for her. Now, he’s told you he’s going to distance himself from her, and you have to keep the big picture in mind.

I understand that you’re upset about how the recent past has played out, but find a way to process his desire to change, and his steps towards change, yourself. It sounds like there is movement, and it would be a shame for you to thwart it. 😀

I hope that helps.

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[aisukissu]

The truth is after being told what I know now, and seeing his actions unfold in her presence I no longer feel that i am the special one in his life – his #1. I feel betrayed, mislead and deceived in every way possible. I am more hurt then angry.

I wanted to clarify some confusions …

The reason I felt his “solution” is a “cop out” is because
1. I don’t want him to resent me for making him choose me or her, that’s not my intention (it wasn’t in March)
2. I feel like he’ll grow fonder of her (he speaks very highly of her already, her natural beauty, her body at this age even after having 2 children and not working out, how much he owes her for the quality friendship, he gets very defensive about her – she was his sister’s (my age also) friend in h.s. first, but the sister dropped her as a friend because she’s only date guys with $$$ and flaunts her materialisticness. some actual examples follow below)

* I forgot to mention, on our way home from her husband’s birthday party, a korean song about a guy who loses the love of his life to another man & he wants to storm in and stop the marriage vows (Wedding Dress by Big Bang) came on, my BF laughs and tells me that the BFF’s husband dedicated that song to him saying that they all knew how much he was in love with the BFF and he lost her to her now husband (REALLY!!!??)…then my BF tells me that BFF told him 5 months prior, her mother-in-law asked her to end their friendship because it’s very inappropriate. Her husband also asked her to end their friendship because he too felt the same way. (my BF’s very giddy around her)

*5 years ago, he was in a snowboarding accident where I almost died. She & her husband drove 2hours to him (his family was in the philippines, grandpa’s funeral, his request for time off to attend was denied by his work.) He told me that she’s seen him naked and even held his penis in her hands to remove the catheder. – I was shocked and confused as to why she needed to see him naked??? and she’s no nurse, how did they allow her to remove such a thing?? why did she need to hold his penis???

*i snooped through his fb messages after their very inappropriate skype conversation display and found their long long chat conversations and (see below) this one took the award for most ingenuine male/female “friendship” – I did this after what he did when we were at the hospital waiting for my son’s surgery. he skyped her from my son’s (10) room.
i asked her about the eliptical machine her husband bought as a bday gift for her, she said she uses it only to hang laundry and laughed. he then said, ” you need to work that ass of yours (draws and cups a buttock with his hand in the air & says UH-HUH – 2x!, UH – HUh. you know how I like it.) she chuckled and said, ” ohh… im korean i don’t have a butt. hahahaaa”
her husband was in the living room while she was in their bedroom.
I was shocked, disgusted and felts disrespected in every way hearing that from my son’s bedside.
the conversation then lead to her telling him to not to wax body hair when on prescription drugs, because she did that & messed up her eyebrows. He responded (pointing to his penis and motioning with his eyebrows up and down),” i only have one area to wax, uh-huh, UUUH-HUH (pointing) you know where too, uuUUH – HUUH.” she laughed and said,” eww your so gross. haha but I know. I know.” – when I told him i felt their conversation was incredibly inappropriate and it disrespected our relationship as well as her marriage he got immediately upset & defensive & told me if I couldn’t possibly understand the dynamics of their friendship how he speaks to her is completely normal. BUT when I asked him if he would speak to her exactly like that in front of her husband, he said no. SO, am i wrong??

*in july 2012 he messaged her
Him, “do you miss you?”
her,” i think the question is, do YOU MISS ME?”
him, ” if I was to tell you how much I miss you the whole world would be jealous.”
her -( no response)
him,” fuck it! let the whole world be jealous!! I do miss you!”
her, “i miss you too.”
– I didn’t realize friends speak to one another like this??

*as for the “husband duties”- the seedlings for my bf’s mom, my bf didn’t request for them, she offered to give her extras to his mom since she gardens but wanted him to stop by her house to pick them up. (they literally live 5 driving minutes from each other.)
*she calls/texts him to go over to her house for lunch before her kids get home from school.
*she doesn’t invite him over when the kids are home, or her husband (home after 7-8p M-F)
( I feel like he’s at her beck (she knows this, he’s her little puppy) and call because there’s an emotional affair going on here, one from h.s. that still carries weight to this day. )

My biggest issue here is overcoming this obstacle and “keeping the bigger picture in mind..” I know it’s going to take time to heal from this feeling of not being his #1, but you’re right when you say to take into account his progressive behavior to improve the situation. Also, I do need to change the way I’m handling this, I didn’t realize I was becoming a “warden” and less of his girlfriend, though it got to this point only because I felt dismissed, which I know is hardly justifiable.

The biggest concern for me is, is this all really worth it? He tells me I’m the one. He knows this because ” his heart, mind & soul feels in balance.” And all his family and close friends genuinely loves me (this is a first for him). He also didn’t have to tell anyone of them to be nice to me and “fake it” so I’d be comfortable.
I don’t want to become the controlling gf who’s constantly looking over her shoulder, I refuse to become one.
Can I really dismiss everything up to this point and keep the big picture in mind?
Do I constantly want to be fighting for his affection/attention when she’s in the same room?
But, I suppose that’s a silly question, for only I can answer that.

I really appreciate your insight on this matter. I will keep all you’ve suggested in mind, genuinely. It really shined perspective on this matter for me. These past several months has been very disheartening. I am thankful to have found your website/forum. I am also very thankful for your time.

Regards,
making him want me #i matter #focus on the bigger picture

[aisukissu]

The truth is after being told what I know now, and seeing his actions unfold in her presence I no longer feel that i am the special one in his life – his #1. I feel betrayed, mislead and deceived in every way possible. I am more hurt then angry.

I wanted to clarify some confusions …

The reason I felt his “solution” is a “cop out” is because
1. I don’t want him to resent me for making him choose me or her, that’s not my intention (it wasn’t in March)
2. I feel like he’ll grow fonder of her (he speaks very highly of her already, her natural beauty, her body at this age even after having 2 children and not working out, how much he owes her for the quality friendship, he gets very defensive about her – she was his sister’s (my age also) friend in h.s. first, but the sister dropped her as a friend because she’s only date guys with $$$ and flaunts her materialisticness. some actual examples follow below)

* I forgot to mention, on our way home from her husband’s birthday party, a korean song about a guy who loses the love of his life to another man & he wants to storm in and stop the marriage vows (Wedding Dress by Big Bang) came on, my BF laughs and tells me that the BFF’s husband dedicated that song to him saying that they all knew how much he was in love with the BFF and he lost her to her now husband (REALLY!!!??)…then my BF tells me that BFF told him 5 months prior, her mother-in-law asked her to end their friendship because it’s very inappropriate. Her husband also asked her to end their friendship because he too felt the same way. (my BF’s very giddy around her)

*5 years ago, he was in a snowboarding accident where I almost died. She & her husband drove 2hours to him (his family was in the philippines, grandpa’s funeral, his request for time off to attend was denied by his work.) He told me that she’s seen him naked and even held his penis in her hands to remove the catheder. – I was shocked and confused as to why she needed to see him naked??? and she’s no nurse, how did they allow her to remove such a thing?? why did she need to hold his penis???

*i snooped through his fb messages after their very inappropriate skype conversation display and found their long long chat conversations and (see below) this one took the award for most ingenuine male/female “friendship” – I did this after what he did when we were at the hospital waiting for my son’s surgery. he skyped her from my son’s (10) room.
i asked her about the eliptical machine her husband bought as a bday gift for her, she said she uses it only to hang laundry and laughed. he then said, ” you need to work that ass of yours (draws and cups a buttock with his hand in the air & says UH-HUH – 2x!, UH – HUh. you know how I like it.) she chuckled and said, ” ohh… im korean i don’t have a butt. hahahaaa”
her husband was in the living room while she was in their bedroom.
I was shocked, disgusted and felts disrespected in every way hearing that from my son’s bedside.
the conversation then lead to her telling him to not to wax body hair when on prescription drugs, because she did that & messed up her eyebrows. He responded (pointing to his penis and motioning with his eyebrows up and down),” i only have one area to wax, uh-huh, UUUH-HUH (pointing) you know where too, uuUUH – HUUH.” she laughed and said,” eww your so gross. haha but I know. I know.” – when I told him i felt their conversation was incredibly inappropriate and it disrespected our relationship as well as her marriage he got immediately upset & defensive & told me if I couldn’t possibly understand the dynamics of their friendship how he speaks to her is completely normal. BUT when I asked him if he would speak to her exactly like that in front of her husband, he said no. SO, am i wrong??

*in july 2012 he messaged her
Him, “do you miss you?”
her,” i think the question is, do YOU MISS ME?”
him, ” if I was to tell you how much I miss you the whole world would be jealous.”
her -( no response)
him,” fuck it! let the whole world be jealous!! I do miss you!”
her, “i miss you too.”
– I didn’t realize friends speak to one another like this??

*as for the “husband duties”- the seedlings for my bf’s mom, my bf didn’t request for them, she offered to give her extras to his mom since she gardens but wanted him to stop by her house to pick them up. (they literally live 5 driving minutes from each other.)
*she calls/texts him to go over to her house for lunch before her kids get home from school.
*she doesn’t invite him over when the kids are home, or her husband (home after 7-8p M-F)
( I feel like he’s at her beck (she knows this, he’s her little puppy) and call because there’s an emotional affair going on here, one from h.s. that still carries weight to this day. )

My biggest issue here is overcoming this obstacle and “keeping the bigger picture in mind..” I know it’s going to take time to heal from this feeling of not being his #1, but you’re right when you say to take into account his progressive behavior to improve the situation. Also, I do need to change the way I’m handling this, I didn’t realize I was becoming a “warden” and less of his girlfriend, though it got to this point only because I felt dismissed, which I know is hardly justifiable.

The biggest concern for me is, is this all really worth it? He tells me I’m the one. He knows this because ” his heart, mind & soul feels in balance.” And all his family and close friends genuinely loves me (this is a first for him). He also didn’t have to tell anyone of them to be nice to me and “fake it” so I’d be comfortable.
I don’t want to become the controlling gf who’s constantly looking over her shoulder, I refuse to become one.
Can I really dismiss everything up to this point and keep the big picture in mind?
Do I constantly want to be fighting for his affection/attention when she’s in the same room?
But, I suppose that’s a silly question, for only I can answer that.

I really appreciate your insight on this matter. I will keep all you’ve suggested in mind, genuinely. It really shined perspective on this matter for me. These past several months has been very disheartening. I am thankful to have found your website/forum. I am also very thankful for your time.

Regards,
making him want me #i matter #focus on the bigger picture

[aisukissu]

The truth is after being told what I know now, and seeing his actions unfold in her presence I no longer feel that i am the special one in his life – his #1. I feel betrayed, mislead and deceived in every way possible. I am more hurt then angry.

I wanted to clarify some confusions …

The reason I felt his “solution” is a “cop out” is because
1. I don’t want him to resent me for making him choose me or her, that’s not my intention (it wasn’t in March)
2. I feel like he’ll grow fonder of her (he speaks very highly of her already, her natural beauty, her body at this age even after having 2 children and not working out, how much he owes her for the quality friendship, he gets very defensive about her – she was his sister’s (my age also) friend in h.s. first, but the sister dropped her as a friend because she’s only date guys with $$$ and flaunts her materialisticness. some actual examples follow below)

* I forgot to mention, on our way home from her husband’s birthday party, a korean song about a guy who loses the love of his life to another man & he wants to storm in and stop the marriage vows (Wedding Dress by Big Bang) came on, my BF laughs and tells me that the BFF’s husband dedicated that song to him saying that they all knew how much he was in love with the BFF and he lost her to her now husband (REALLY!!!??)…then my BF tells me that BFF told him 5 months prior, her mother-in-law asked her to end their friendship because it’s very inappropriate. Her husband also asked her to end their friendship because he too felt the same way. (my BF’s very giddy around her)

*5 years ago, he was in a snowboarding accident where I almost died. She & her husband drove 2hours to him (his family was in the philippines, grandpa’s funeral, his request for time off to attend was denied by his work.) He told me that she’s seen him naked and even held his penis in her hands to remove the catheder. – I was shocked and confused as to why she needed to see him naked??? and she’s no nurse, how did they allow her to remove such a thing?? why did she need to hold his penis???

*i snooped through his fb messages after their very inappropriate skype conversation display and found their long long chat conversations and (see below) this one took the award for most ingenuine male/female “friendship” – I did this after what he did when we were at the hospital waiting for my son’s surgery. he skyped her from my son’s (10) room.
i asked her about the eliptical machine her husband bought as a bday gift for her, she said she uses it only to hang laundry and laughed. he then said, ” you need to work that ass of yours (draws and cups a buttock with his hand in the air & says UH-HUH – 2x!, UH – HUh. you know how I like it.) she chuckled and said, ” ohh… im korean i don’t have a butt. hahahaaa”
her husband was in the living room while she was in their bedroom.
I was shocked, disgusted and felts disrespected in every way hearing that from my son’s bedside.
the conversation then lead to her telling him to not to wax body hair when on prescription drugs, because she did that & messed up her eyebrows. He responded (pointing to his penis and motioning with his eyebrows up and down),” i only have one area to wax, uh-huh, UUUH-HUH (pointing) you know where too, uuUUH – HUUH.” she laughed and said,” eww your so gross. haha but I know. I know.” – when I told him i felt their conversation was incredibly inappropriate and it disrespected our relationship as well as her marriage he got immediately upset & defensive & told me if I couldn’t possibly understand the dynamics of their friendship how he speaks to her is completely normal. BUT when I asked him if he would speak to her exactly like that in front of her husband, he said no. SO, am i wrong??

*in july 2012 he messaged her
Him, “do you miss you?”
her,” i think the question is, do YOU MISS ME?”
him, ” if I was to tell you how much I miss you the whole world would be jealous.”
her -( no response)
him,” fuck it! let the whole world be jealous!! I do miss you!”
her, “i miss you too.”
– I didn’t realize friends speak to one another like this??

*as for the “husband duties”- the seedlings for my bf’s mom, my bf didn’t request for them, she offered to give her extras to his mom since she gardens but wanted him to stop by her house to pick them up. (they literally live 5 driving minutes from each other.)
*she calls/texts him to go over to her house for lunch before her kids get home from school.
*she doesn’t invite him over when the kids are home, or her husband (home after 7-8p M-F)
( I feel like he’s at her beck (she knows this, he’s her little puppy) and call because there’s an emotional affair going on here, one from h.s. that still carries weight to this day. )

My biggest issue here is overcoming this obstacle and “keeping the bigger picture in mind..” I know it’s going to take time to heal from this feeling of not being his #1, but you’re right when you say to take into account his progressive behavior to improve the situation. Also, I do need to change the way I’m handling this, I didn’t realize I was becoming a “warden” and less of his girlfriend, though it got to this point only because I felt dismissed, which I know is hardly justifiable.

The biggest concern for me is, is this all really worth it? He tells me I’m the one. He knows this because ” his heart, mind & soul feels in balance.” And all his family and close friends genuinely loves me (this is a first for him). He also didn’t have to tell anyone of them to be nice to me and “fake it” so I’d be comfortable.
I don’t want to become the controlling gf who’s constantly looking over her shoulder, I refuse to become one.
Can I really dismiss everything up to this point and keep the big picture in mind?
Do I constantly want to be fighting for his affection/attention when she’s in the same room?
But, I suppose that’s a silly question, for only I can answer that.

I really appreciate your insight on this matter. I will keep all you’ve suggested in mind, genuinely. It really shined perspective on this matter for me. These past several months has been very disheartening. I am thankful to have found your website/forum. I am also very thankful for your time.

Regards,
making him want me #i matter #focus on the bigger picture

[Ask April Masini]

It sounds like you’re not going to be able to move forward with him in a healthy way, because you think that he’s in love with her and will never put you first. If you’re right, then the thing for you to do is to move on, and not stay in a relationship that is causing you so much stress. 😉 You’re spending a lot of energy on what’s wrong with the relationship, and as a single mother, it’s more important for you to have a positive relationship — or none — not a negative one. You’re setting an example for your son when you bring someone into his life who isn’t treating you the way you think a man should treat a woman. 😉

Pretty much everyone has baggage of some sort, and the trick is to find a man with what I like to refer to as “matching luggage”. His baggage is not going to work for you, so accept that, and change your own behavior, by finding someone who’s Mr. Right. 🙂

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[aisukissu]

Been an official couple for 6 months now.

In February we got into an argument and my BF says to me,” you’re such a broken, bitter person who holds grudges. SHEESH!”
(we were in disagreement about how he thought I should be handling the mending of my relationship with my brother-in-law for the sake of my relationship with my sister).
His apology, “I’m sorry for saying those hurtful things. I really didn’t mean them. You just wouldn’t listen to reason.”
Me,” it’s not ok for you to say hurtful things to me because you feel so. Is that how you really see me?”

Last weekend on while on a 3 hour hike, we got into another disagreement. I tell him that who is now was not the person I fell so suddenly in love with back in October. I told him I felt deceived by him.
How?
1. I was a vegan, I practiced yoga everyday, went on daily walks/jogs, thoroughly enjoy the outdoors and I prefer my homecooked/raw meals, do not eat processed or fast food. ( when I offered him to taste my dishes he did even when he clearly didn’t want to, NOW – it’s always a “no” we only eat at places he can eat at. He doesn’t suggest restaurants that are vegan let alone vegan friendly. He tells me I choose to be very complicated when I shouldn’t be. When we do dine at a spot I can eat at we have to go to another for him.
He- complete opposite lifestyle, loves his steak, gym rat, fast food, chips, fried food & sweet drinks= 90% of his diet.
When we met he pursued me for 2 months telling me how much he adores me and (his actions showed this too) how he could see himself with me for the rest of his life and he wouldn’t have an issue adapting to my lifestyle.
I never liked going with him to his family’s events because he didn’t make an effort to accommodate my diet. He assumed if there was salad I should be set (I always had iceberg salad with a side of lemons.) – I noticed a pattern to his ways of “accommodating” my diet when dining with his family and friends. On a trip back to my place after leaving Buca Di Peppo with his family, I asked him to stop by a Del Taco so I could grab some pinto beans. He said to me,” Do you ever feel like you’re making things difficult with how you choose to eat? Wouldn’t it be easier if you just started eating meat again or normal foods?” Me,” I don’t believe so. I’m consistently altering my diet to accommodate you and your family. If this is difficult for anyone, it’s for me. I don’t understand why who I am is bothering you now.”

2. He was let go from his job in executive management after 5 years because the company refused to approve his family leave request, this completely changed who was and is.
Consequently, lost his job, his condo resulting in moving back home to live with his parents. The last time he lived at home was when he was 17 (32 years old now).

3. This brings me back to last weekend on that 3 hour hike.
He told me he doesn’t like to go on new adventures, or any with me anymore because he feels that he can’t be himself with me anymore because I’m too uptight and he’s not having fun anymore…
After I told him I feel like he’s been deceiving me for a really long time, based on the unfolding events in our relationship. He got upset and said to me,” You’re such a sad person. Look at you, you have a sad life. You have no friends. No family. No one. Look at where you are in your life. At least I have have my family and my friends. You have no one.”
…. he apologized later that day. But I couldn’t shake the things he’s chosen to say.

4. Three days ago, when I brought up the 3 hour hike day we needless to say we got into another one.
I told him that I’m still very bothered by the things he said on that day and I don’t know how to move forward. He kept saying that he only said it because he was hurt by me saying he deceived me when he hasn’t. “I can’t even talk to my best friend anymore because of you.” (this is the inappropriate female BFF who he said he was going to create distance to show me how much i really do mean to him, I was afraid he was doing it all for the wrong reasons & not because he truly understood my feelings regarding their inappropriate friendship. This response has confirmed my suspicions of his “solution”)
He’s upset with me for not “forgetting” and “forgiving” him for those and for not taking accountability for provoking him to say those things.

The dilemia:
how do you get over these horrible things said by the person who claims to love you. I feel like he doesn’t make any effort to stop and not say those things. He’s given me a long list of “forget” and he keeps adding to that growing list.
is it okay for him to say hurtful things (that obviously lingers) to me and expects me to forget it and if i can’t I’m the bad “gf who likes drama and hold’s grudges”.
Is it possible to be okay with this?
When do you know when to walk away?
Am I stupid for still staying in this relationship?
How do I get him to understand without him feeling attacked? feeling like a lousy bf?

[Ask April Masini]

Gosh….. I’m a little confused, because you just posted about this relationship on May 30 — only a week ago, and I answered you, explaining that your boyfriend is in love with someone else, and will never put you first 😥 I can see that you ignored that advice and now want to ask me about other bad behavior he’s imposing on you. 😳 I know it may not seem like it, but you’re doing to me the same thing you’re doing to him — ignoring what I’m telling you (or what he’s telling you), and continuing on with this unhappy, unhealthy relationship. Unless you are willing to make changes, you’re going be stuck in the same boat for a long time. 😮

Clearly, you’re in a relationship you shouldn’t be in, but for some reason, it’s easier and more familiar for you to stay in an unhealthy relationship and complain about it, than it is to move on and find one that is healthy. You’re not alone — there are people who do exactly what you’re doing, and I know it’s tough for you to change. But until you hit bottom, and realize that you are responsible for the relationship you’re in, you’ll continue to muddle along in bad relationships, unhappy — and complaining. 😥 Instead of asking questions about him, you have to look in the mirror and ask [i]yourself[/i] why you stay with someone you really don’t like very much any more, and who’s behavior offends you on so many levels. When you’re ready to be happy and have a healthy relationship — then you’ll move on. And that’s my advice: to let go of this unhealthy situation and move on. 😀

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[ncsaturn]

I have wondered about your insecurities as I have read through the posts. Do you think you should have to feel this way in a relationship? People say one thing but if their actions are not inline with what they are saying…that is usually a bad sign. I think it has reached the end. If you are interested in a relationship the more time you spend in a dead end already over relationship keeps you from finding a fulfilling, healthy relationship. You might not want to immediately jump into another relationship, but take time to figure out why you were willing to tolerate this and is this a pattern for many of your past relationships? Listen to what men say…if he says “several people have had problems with this friendship”, this might be a red flag that the relationship is an ongoing problem and he is willing to sacrifice other relationships for the friendship. Will he be able to put someone else first

[Ask April Masini]

Good advice from [b]ncsaturn[/b]! 🙂

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[Ethan Morales]

your feelings of hurt, betrayal, and insecurity are completely understandable. You’ve witnessed behaviors that cross boundaries both historically and recently that naturally make you feel “less than” in his life. The fact that you’ve noticed patterns and documented them is your mind’s way of trying to protect your emotional investment. Feeling like you’re competing for his attention or affection is legitimate and should not be dismissed.

the key issue isn’t the small tasks he does for his female friend it’s the emotional priority and history between them. Picking up seedlings, mail, or helping with groceries might seem minor in isolation, but when coupled with his past crush, inappropriate conversations, and favoritism in social situations, it amplifies your discomfort. You’re not overreacting; your mind is picking up on relational dynamics that matter in a committed partnership.

his “solution” of creating distance from her is actually a constructive step, even if it doesn’t feel complete to you yet. It demonstrates awareness and an attempt to prioritize your relationship. What matters now is observing whether he follows through consistently. You’re right to want him to fully internalize your concerns, but pressuring him to change every behavior instantly risks creating resentment or turning you into a “warden” rather than a partner.

focusing on the details texts, errands, or social seating can be distracting. What’s more important is whether he consistently demonstrates that you are his priority, emotionally and physically. A committed partner shows it through attention, consideration, and alignment of actions with words, not just avoidance of specific tasks for a friend. Shifting your energy to evaluating his overall commitment rather than micro-managing interactions is healthier for your emotional well-being.

his hurtful words and defensiveness during arguments are a separate but equally important issue. You have every right to feel upset and carry that emotion it’s not “drama” to process emotional injury. However, repeated verbal attacks are a warning sign. It’s critical to establish that emotional respect is non-negotiable; feeling safe in a relationship is foundational. You can process your feelings and set boundaries without necessarily ending the relationship immediately, but you must be honest about what you can and cannot tolerate.

the bigger picture is whether he’s consistently choosing you and showing it in ways that matter most. You can’t erase the past, but you can observe progress and decide if the relationship is worth continuing based on current behavior. Healing takes time, and it’s reasonable to hold him accountable while also letting him take ownership of his friendship dynamics. The goal is balance: protect your needs without becoming controlling, and assess his commitment without obsessing over every minor interaction.

[Tara]

You are not his priority. You are not even close. That woman isn’t his “best friend.” She is his emotional wife, and you’re the girlfriend he fits around her. Every red flag you’re listing is screaming the same message: he is emotionally attached to her in a way that makes your presence an inconvenience, not a consideration.

A man who drops your hand at the door, pushes your face away, gets embarrassed showing affection in front of her, and then bolts to sit next to her like a magnet isn’t being “respectful of boundaries.” He’s hiding the fact that he still wants her and doesn’t want her to think he’s moved on. You saw it with your own eyes. That wasn’t awkwardness. That was guilt and nostalgia colliding in his face.

And spare yourself the delusion that she’s innocent. She knows exactly what she’s doing. Married women with boundaries don’t use another man as their on-call handyman, moving crew, emotional support, personal errand runner, and unpaid backup husband. Her husband is incidental. Your boyfriend is the man she leans on. And he loves it. He plays the hero, she strokes his ego, and you’re expected to just “understand.”
His “solution” to distance himself? That’s not a solution. That’s damage control. He’s hoping if he pretends to step back, you’ll stop pointing out the obvious that he’s emotionally entangled and doesn’t want to admit it.

You’re not being unreasonable. You’re not overreacting. You’re finally waking up. You’re competing with a woman who already has long-term emotional real estate in his life, and he hasn’t done a single thing to make you feel secure because he doesn’t want to give her up.

[Author]

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