[triplet]

hi april,
i ve been dating a guy for a while we were in not really a stable relationship… we called it off on july 2012 & after that we continued seeing each other as friends once or twice in a week. but of course i was in love with him & i couldn’t just go.
on mid october i asked him to have dinner with me , my sisters & their bfs… after that night we had a fight because of his attitude in my house… so i just stopped talking to him
after 2 days my sister told me that he whatsapped her to thank her for the dinner…. i had a lot of issues in my relationship with my sister & i dont trust her a lot… so i did something & i know its wrong but it was my only way… i read the conversation & in that week he was talking to her mainly each day & that was more then he talked to me in the last period when we were together.
after 1 week he talked to me saying a joke, so i stopped him & asked him to stop bothering me anymore after i knew the kind of respectful & loyal person he is. so he stopped…& this is the longest period we dont talk to each other usually its maximum between 2 weeks & 1 month… & now its almost 2 month.
after 2 weeks i asked my sister if he talked to her she said i dont remember then she said maybe..i told her please stop talking to him because we had a big fight & we’re not talking so support me in this situation she said ok.

& i continued reading their conversations, they talk about general stuff he’s not the type of emotional guy that say sweet things for a lady but he have a way of approaching someone & i know it very well.. he’s acting in the same way he did when we first talked its the same moves.

last week i talked to my sister saying that he told me that they were talking (i had to lie to finish this thing) so she said yes but not really important things so i told her please stop responding because ure putting me in awkward situations & please let me know when he talks to u & she said yes sure.

the next day she told me he talked to her & she didn’t respond…i saw her cell & found all her conversations for the past weeks except this one so i guess she replied & didnt tell me & deleted the conversation… & since then she didnt tell me anything and im sure he’s talking to her because i know him very well he will not stop that easily.

my sister have a boyfriend & she’s planning to get married with this guy… i dont want to be hurt & i tried my best to let her know that what she’s doing is hurting me… despite what is happening im still in love with this person even though i dont want him in my life anymore… im really in a huge dilemma between not having a fight with my sister because i love her a lot & now i cant even look at her im trying to control my anger & keep things cool…& between letting her know what i feel & all the persons that know this story told me to talk to her…i know her very well she will never tell me the truth about whats happening…. i feel i cant move on & just start over hes not into any girl shes my SISTER…how can i live with this happening in front of me 🙁

[AskApril Masini]

Your sister isn’t being very sensitive to your feelings because she’s having a friendship with your ex-boyfriend that is making it difficult for you to move on. However, it sounds like you’ve had a history of strife with your sister, so really, this behavior of hers shouldn’t be that surprising. Disappointing? Yes. Surprising? No. You’re not going to change her, but you can change your own behavior so you have more peace and success in your own life. 😉

Stop talking to her about your ex and stop asking her to do things you already know she won’t do because you’ve asked several times before. Just stop. Next, accept that she’s going to have a friendship with him. My guess is that your interest in her relationship with your ex is keeping her interested in him. Once you stop paying attention, she probably will, too. But if she doesn’t, you should still back off and ignore her business. Trying to control her is going to fail and make you feel terrible.

Next, decide to move on. This discord with your sister is keeping the relationship with your ex alive in your mind. Accept that it’s over, and start focusing on yourself, your health, your hobbies, your career, your interests — and dating other men. 😉 The more energy you focus on you, and the less energy you focus on your ex and/or your sister, the happier you’ll be. 🙂

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[triplet]

Thank you april, what u said is really useful & im totally convinced even though i know its gonna be hard & tuff to live with this situation… what hurt the most trying to analyze the situation, & thinking that maybe he’s doing it on purpose, my ego is not letting me go without knowing what i did to deserve such an end…

anyway i learned a lot & for sure i’ll do better choices in the future…. but what im sad for is my broken relationship with my sister that i dont think will ever be fixed, he’s out of my life but i cant end my relationship with my sister she will always be present… & i cant see her without having these thoughts of her lying & doing things behind my back…sisters dont do such things to each other 🙁 …

& yes, This discord with my sister is keeping the relationship with my ex alive in my mind, if this never happened maybe i was moving on right now, i’ll try to stop controlling things & just let it go, & it’s true [u]“Stop talking to her about your ex and stop asking her to do things you already know she won’t do” [/u] thank you for considering, i didn’t actually realize that

[AskApril Masini]

I can help your bruised ego. Just remember this: If your ex-boyfriend is the kind of person who is purposely keeping a relationship alive with your sister just to hurt you, then you dodged a bullet by not being with him any more. Would you really want to be with someone who is so vindictive and is using your sister to get to you? You deserve someone with a better character, and by seeing who he really is, you can set yourself freer than if you broke up with a guy who was just great! This is actually a gift to help you move on and find a better man.

As for your sister, I’m sorry to tell you that these types of sibling relationships do happen more often than you want to believe they do, and that families have all sorts of dynamics that are kind, and not so kind. You’re right, that your family is always your family, but be open to the idea that you can be flexible and you can have a relationship with your sister now, that may be different in the future when she figures out how relationships work, and what is really healthy for her — and for her relationship with you. 😉

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