[Anonymous]

First of all, I’m Catholic and he’s Hindu. We dated for the last 4 years and last October he proposed to me. Ever since we got engaged, things seemed to have gone downhill for us. Once we got engaged, I told him I wanted to set a date but he kept on brushing me off telling me to go talk to his family (he has 3 sisters too). I didn’t understand him at the time, I just thought he wasn’t interested in anything and kept on pushing me towards his family. In his culture, we would have to get a date with a Pundit which I knew so I kept on telling him to go ask his parents, etc. Anyway, we ended up getting a date and our plan was to get married in two ceremonies (church and temple). Me and his sisters were chatting about the wedding and all…and what to wear. I was not quite comfortable with the whole Indian culture/tradition thing. They usually have about 3 or 4 events leading up to the wedding and since I am not Indian, I never in my life imagined all this. During the last 4 years, he seemed like the type of guy who wasn’t really into his culture so that’s why I don’t know much or am not that involved. Anyway, I told him/them I don’t want to have mendhi all the way up my arm and I later found out they didn’t like that. I only didn’t want it is because we planned on having the catholic ceremony one day after the hindu and I didn’t want to have mendhi up my arm with my white wedding dress. I don’t get why they must be so so offended about it. It seems right to say that they don’t seem to want to care about what I think or about what I want for my own wedding (after all it’s MY wedding). Seems like I have to respect their religion/culture but they don’t seem to respect mine. They only care about what they want. This is how I have always felt and have told him many times.

Then later, things went more wrong. Their family is very close, to be more specific, quite possessive of one another. He supports his family financially as well, and I told him that he cannot be supporting as much once we get married because it would get difficult with our own place. I told him his sisters need to step it up as well, which they hardly do. I do not expect him to fully cut them out after marriage, but was more telling him that his sisters are old enough and should also support the family. His mom is a stay-at-home mom and his dad does odd jobs, so of course my fiance has been the “person” to support financially. He tells them sometimes that they too need to help out, but it seems they do it when they feel like it and it is not to say that they are not educated and do not have a job. I find them to be quite selfish sometimes. We would have arguments after arguments about financials and his family. He loves them very much and will not cut back on the financial support because he believes no one else is able to. The problem with him is he thinks he’s the only son and it’s his job but I see he works very hard and too hard to support them. Anyway, it got to a point where I got so so angry and told him I wanted to leave him and to give the ring back. I was so pissed off I texted all his sisters. Then they kept calling and calling to see if everything was alright. My parents were home too and they were so worried about me and him and tried to talk to us, then his sisters came by too and we all had a conversation. After a long conversation, it seemed things were alright as we were all making jokes, etc. And my mom told him to give me back the ring while his sisters watched him do it. While they were leaving, me and him kind of smirked at each other as if this was one of our stupid typical fights. However, next day I found out his family was pissed cause of what I did saying “who the does she think she is, giving you back the ring, etc.”. I find that my family is much more understanding unlike his family where they are very judgmental. Things were a bit rough but I managed to talk to his mom and convince her I don’t believe in divorce (she thought since I gave back the ring, I’m the type to divorce) and that I care for her son very much. She seemed accepting of it and things went on. However, more happened and back to arguing about financials again. Anyway, one time he complained to me how selfish they are sometimes, cause we had many arguments about it…he agrees with some of the things I say but of course they will always be his family. I told him I am going to have a talk with them, but he kept telling me don’t do it because I don’t have a right. I would get angry, but eventually I talked with them cause he gave in. I had a talk with his sister and mother, in a nice way but apparently the next day they ALL despised me saying to him “who the is she to tell us this?”. He told them he agrees with them and that I had no right. I only told them because I care very much for my fiance. I don’t know what the heck is wrong with his family, to me it’s like they have issues. They are so judgmental and very cunning. I feel like they pretend to like me when I’m around, but when I’m not they talk so much …that’s what it feels like. Things got bad for a while, I still came over to his place and I kind of felt unwelcomed but of course they wouldn’t say anything…so that’s why I said they’re like pretending when I’m around. Anyway, as time went on it seemed like things were getting okay. What tends to happen is they tell him things about me and I tell him things about them. So it’s like he became the middle of all this. I never really felt comfortable talking to his family so I would always tell him stuff. I think they didn’t really like the fact that I was always telling him things and not them.

Anyway, a month ago I went to India with him and his family (they have a house in India) because his sister’s friend was getting married. As I said, things seemed okay as we were all talking to one another, but really behind the scenes it was not. His sister was the one that said I should come too to see what their culture is like. Apparently, during the trip in India I was supposed to bond with his parents. I can honestly say that everywhere we went was with his parents because he doesn’t really know India all that much. So it is safe to say I was with his parents the entire trip. I never once did anything wrong to them. But anyway, after India his dad told him to break up with me and that he is making a huge mistake. When I heard this I was like “what the did I do?”. He tells me that it all goes back to the beginning when I gave back the ring and apparently “insulted” them about the financials thing. They pretty much said anything and everything to him (stupid excuses for no reason) saying I’m wrong for him. Like I said, I did absolutely nothing to offend them in India.

Now his parents totally do not want this marriage to happen. He keeps trying to convince them. They think I am stubborn and will not be able to take care of his son. They are so very judgmental it’s not even funny. He gets so angry and upset cause I’m telling him things and they are telling him things. He keeps insisting he wants to be with me and does not want to leave me. I, on the other hand, told him I want to leave because I’m so sick and tired of his family and I don’t want to come between them anymore. He’s the type that will not just marry me without his family’s approval. He pretty doesn’t know what to do anymore, he cannot seem to get through his mother (most important that once she agrees everyone does too). His mother says I’m too Canadian and do not understand their culture (who is she to talk when she doesn’t know mine) and that I’m stubborn. She is such a hypocrite as she is quite the same. Like I said I did no such wrong during India but I guess it all goes back to the beginning. He wants me to apologize but I can’t bring myself to because I guess I have a bit of pride, I feel I did nothing wrong, and I don’t know how cause of how they treated me as well. I also told him I don’t want to keep going with this relationship because I am so ready to get married as I’m not getting any younger. If I apologize now who’s to know whether they will believe me or will probably judge that I’m lying. I do not want to wait and see few months down the road if they will start to like me again. He just refuses to let me go and he refuses to take a break from this relationship just so he can figure things out. He keeps telling me he cannot see himself with anyone else, but I get frustrated that I tell him to just go do whatever his family wants. His mom tells him he’s confused and delusional (what kind of mother says that to her son?). None of them seem to care at this point that he really loves me and wants to spend his life with me.

What should I do? I feel I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so disappointed everyday and have little outbursts towards him everyday because of what is happening. Everyday I pray for a miracle for us to be together, but I just don’t know. Please help give me advice. I have been so stressed out about this, I don’t know anymore.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both? Does he live with his family?

[Anonymous]

We are 27 and we each live with our family. We don’t intend on living together before marriage.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s not going to work. 😳 Your fiance supports his family and you want him to cut back. Therefore they see you as a threat. Your fiance, at age 27, is not ready to break away from his family, so he will never be all yours, and in order for a marriage to work, both bride and groom have to put each other and their relationship first and foremost.

I know this is difficult, and you want things to be different, but you’re wasting your time. He won’t change. Will you?

I hope that helps. Let me know how it goes — and follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 🙂

[Member]

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