[Anonymous]

I have been married for almost 10 years. The sex is just ok…nothing mindblowing mainly because my husband is very overweight and it hinders his performance. I guess I have been ok with it because ive never been with another man so I dont know any different and we have a really great marriage otherwise. Well now he wants to swing to give me other experiences..which I dont have an issue with. I am sure I will get pleasured and leave feeling good but I am afraid the other girl might not feel so satisfied and I dont want him to be embarrased by it. He aleady knows he needs to lose weight and he is trying but not being successful. So how do I go about telling my husband that maybe swinging isnt a good idea without hurting his feelings?

[Ask April Masini]

Wait — let me be clear on this because it sounds too crazy to be true: Your husband is worried you aren’t sexually satisfied, so he wants to have sex with you and other couples for your sexual pleasure, only YOU are worried he’ll be rejected by other women because of his weight??? 😯

THAT’S your concern? [i]His[/i] possibly being rejected??

I think you need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture here:

First of all, since you’ve never had sex with any other man besides your husband, consider the fact that sex binds women emotionally to their sexual partners and if another man gives you more pleasure sexually, and your husband is overweight and just so so in bed, you may fall in love with that other man. This swinging idea may be the beginning of the end of your marriage.

Second of all, why on earth would you want your husband having sex with other women? What if HE loves the sex with other women so much more than the sex that the two of you have? Could you possibly consider the fact that you may lose him to someone else?

Third of all, if he wants you to have sexual pleasure that he can’t give you, then why wouldn’t he just want you to be with another man? Doesn’t it seem suspicious to you that perhaps HE is the one who wants sex with other women and he’s not worried about losing you? He just wants a little something extra on the side — with your approval?

Are you still with me?

Get back to the root of the problem here: Your husband wants sex outside the marriage. You need to reconsider your relationship. His line that he wants to swing to give YOU other experiences is baloney through and through. He wants sex outside of the marriage and you have been naive enough to believe his excuse that it’s all for you. Wake up and smell the coffee.

This swinging is a bad idea for you.

[Anonymous]

I am getting the vibe that maybe you think swinging for any relationship is a bad idea.

Perhaps I should have been a little more clear in my original post. My husband has initially offered a mfm 3some to me but after some consideration we both decided another couple might work out best for many different reasons. So this was a mutual decision and to say it was soley his idea was unfair of me. Naive I am not and I know most men have sexual thoughts and wants about alot of women they come across.
Other than my sex life being so so, our relationship is pretty great. I am 35, been married for 10 years and know my husband for 22 years. I know our sex life weighs on his mind ALOT! I am sure at times he can sense my dissapointment. But I know dealing with a mans sexual issues can be a sore subject which is why I sought advice on how to approach the subject of him feeling rejected. He is a very sensitive person and takes things to heart easily. If he lost all the weight, the idea of another man might not even be necessary. We both might feel an improvement and not feel its necessary. He has been with other women before we became more than friends, but was much thinner at the time so I know his sex life was not an issue then.
So now maybe that I might have answered my own question to some degree, other than the rejection part, you did make me think that you feel swinging is just a bad idea in general for any couple. If so, why?

[Ask April Masini]

From your clarification, it feels like your real problem is not sex so much as your husband’s weight which is making your sex life bad. Listen, this is an entirely normal problem, but usually it’s the man who feels his wife has gained weight and isn’t attractive any more. The solution for your husband is that he needs to take his health more seriously, not just for the sake of not having a heart attack, but because you will be happier in bed if he is slimmer.

Swinging is going to be a problem for you no matter whether it’s with another man in your bed with your husband or another couple. The bottom line is that you may like sex with this other guy more than you like sex with your husband — in fact, I think that’s the point of this whole swinging idea — and you may end up hurting your husband emotionally and even leaving him if your sex life with another man turns into a romance, which it’s often prone to do for women. If your husband is fat in bed with just you, he’s still going to be fat in bed when you’re with him [i]and[/i] being pleasured by another man who isn’t fat and is even good looking and fit! This is a recipe for marital disaster.

I hope that better explains why I think swinging is a bad idea for you. Helping your husband lose the weight by shopping for healthy food, dining at healthy restaurants, including biking, hiking and swimming, as well as other active sports in your daily and weekly routines with him, is a much better way to find the sex life and romance you’re looking for — with the man you’re married to.

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