[J_Savannah]

My wife, before we got married, enjoyed getting intimate several times a week. Since then, we’ve married and had two children who are now 1 and 2 years old. My wife now has zero sex drive and it seems like a chore to her when we do get intimate which now only happens once every 3 to 4 weeks (at best). I consider myself pretty good looking and in shape, but I’m not sure if its me? I do everything I can do to show her how much I love her and how beautiful and sexy I think she is, but nothing helps. Also, she is 29 years old and has never climaxed (which I’m not sure if that plays a part of her zero sex drive, maybe because she doesn’t know what she is missing?)… I’ve never had an issue with getting other girls to climax through oral sex, but she does not enjoy it and says she never had. Even if we are doing other things (and I think it seems she may be getting close) we have to stop because she says it is starting to feel ‘weird’. Sometime’s we have to stop right when we start because she says it hurts her too much. I’m not pushy by any means and always go with the flow by what she’s feeling, but it’s starting to get frustrating with all of these different things happening on top of each other. Is there anything I can do, or we can do, to help overcome this?

Any help or advice is extremely appreciated. Thanks for your time,
Jake..

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, it’s not you. I’m not sure if that’s a relief or not, but it sounds like you have two challenges before you. The first one is that your wife has a one year old and a two year old, and it’s very normal that her body is not “back” hormonally to what it was once like. She’s probably also exhausted. In addition, she’s probably having trouble, like many new mothers, reconciling her role as mother with wife. You could be the best looking, most charming man in the world, but up against these challenges, she’s going to have a sex drive that wanes.

My suggestion for this challenge is to get her out of her mother role by taking her away for a weekend. See if you can enlist grandparents to babysit, or if you can afford a weekend sitter, that works, too. Getting out of her normal routine — which includes that maternal instinct to jump if she hears a baby crying — even if she’s in the middle of sex — will help remind her of her other role: sexual being and wife. Sometimes these little vacations can help jog her sexual memory and get things back on track in the home bedroom. If you can do this on any kind of regular basis (monthly, bi-monthly, semi-monthly) you’ll have an easier time getting the sex going.

The second challenge you’re facing is her not having climaxed. Oral sex is uncomfortable, psychologically, for some women because it’s such a loss of control and it’s a very intimate act. I know that sounds funny sometimes, but intimacy scares some people. Try other methods, and try slowing down. If she’s complaining about anything down there hurting, it’s probably because there’s too much stimulation too soon. If she stops you because it feels “weird” ask her if it’s a good weird or a bad weird. Find out what “weird” means in this instance, and work with her — don’t give up.

If you’re not doing this, remember that foreplay doesn’t start in the bedroom. It starts during the day when you find her sexy and let her know. Women’s ability to “get ready” for sex is different that a man’s hair trigger response to any kind of stimulus. Women need a lot more warm up.

There are other things that can impede climax for women like too much alcohol, certain drugs like anti-depressants, etc., so ask her to consider this as a place to make a change.

But mostly, keep the channel of communication open and talk to her. Don’t let this become a road block — use your communication to open things up and expand the relationship. Feel free to tell her, without blaming her, that you’re frustrated because you have sexual urges for her and that you want to express them to and with her. You are not wrong to want more sex, and your frustration is understandable.

See if these suggestions help, and let me know how things go.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[J_Savannah]

First I would like to thank you for the great information from your reply. I do agree she is still in a transition phase into motherhood which is causing some stress and exhaustion. I do try to communicate and tell her how I’m feeling but she immediately gets defensive. I will just give her some time and help out as much as I can in order to help this change into parenthood go easier on the both of us. I will take your advice about a weekend getaway and spending more time with foreplay.

As far as her inability to climax, a piece of your advise was ‘dont give up’. Do you think I can eventually get her to climax, or are some women just unable to reach that point? I have asked her if it was a good weird or bad weird, and she just replies ‘I don’t know… just weird’. I feel like sometimes I can tell her body is reacting the way it should (compared to the others girls who I did get to climax), but I think she just can’t take the feelings of getting to that point… and makes me stop. I don’t want to push her into something she doesn’t want to do… but I feel like we’re so close sometimes…

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for your kind words.

As for your further questions, remember, I’m not a medical doctor. I don’t know if she has a clinical inability to climax as defined by the medical community. That’s something she needs to see a board certified physician about. I can just help you with relationship advice, and if the problem is not medical in nature, but is about the two of you, then the trick is to get to know each other further so you can overturn any stone that’s in the way of the relationship reaching it’s fullest potential — orgasms included! 🙂

That said, when you come into a relationship, you bring a certain amount of self-knowledge, and you rely on your own growth in that department, as well as your wife’s growth in that department, to go deeper as partners. Since your wife wasn’t able to climax when you met her, and you still married her, on some level, you were okay with this. I’m not sure if you’re bringing this issue up because you think it may be the reason you’re not having sex more — in other words, if she knew how great climaxing was, she’d want sex, too, like you do — or else you’re truly concerned about this part of her.

The bottom line on this orgasm issue is that she has to want to change things since you’re talking about her body at the end of the day. You can help set the scene (by taking her out of the mom mode) and you can romance her more, flirt with her more, and slow down your sexual pace when you’re with her in the hopes of allowing her to warm up and get to the same speed you’re on in her own time, but if she isn’t willing to approach this issue or if she doesn’t see it as an issue, she may see your interest in her orgasms as pressure she doesn’t want, which will turn her off even more. 🙁

So, talk to her and see if she cares about climaxing. If she doesn’t, then you have to let her know that this is your interest — a man feels successful in bed if he can do this to and for his woman — and maybe she’ll try to get there for you, if not for herself.

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