[Catherine]

Hi April,
I met a man that is about 15 yrs older than I.. I am 37 he is 50. Neither one of us have kids. We have been dating for 2 and a half months. and were already sexsual with eachother. Things seemed to be going well. The problem is I noticed he seemed to be nervous and hyper at times… not able to sit still say in his apartment …. this made me uncomfortable.. I heard a phone vibrate and it was not mine and he said it was not his… I felt like he was hiding something from me.. he said no sweety see now you are going to think about this all day I know you he said.. He also is an ex alcohol user and has been sober for 8 yrs. he told me.. One day on his way over here he said he was going to be late because a friend from his AA group needed some counceling and it would only take a few minutes… he councels people in AA like a mentor he said. How would he know it was only going to take a few minutes if the person had an issue.. I had no problem with him taking the time to do this but then he called back and said I will be there soon it ended up the guy just wanted to stop by and see his apartment. Another time he was driving me home and I asked him what phone carrier he had… he gave me some name I never heard of and then he said like I don’t know and something about paying as he goes… I believe I remember this question and the way it went he says no he never said that. He has since now said he has a particular phone carrier same as mine… As we were dating he told me that if at anytime I feel things are not right to let him know and we can talk about it … I told him his nervous and anxious behavior makes me nervous and some of these issues that I mentioned make me uncomfortable… as I said we have only dated like since January and he has showered me with gifts… he said he wants to make me his wife as long as all goes well … this made me nervous although I did speak of my dreams of having a home and a family… He is constantly buying me things just little things but seems to be over board and he keeps repeating that he wants to show me that he can take care of me and show me the man he is… I told him also that he needed some dentist work done for he has some issues with that said he was taking care of it but then says money is an issue with it yet he says other times money is not a problem…. he always has money on him… he does not drive an expensive car or anything and lives in a apartment… but is planning on buying a house by next year and wants to include me in his plans to pick one out.. I am busy during the day with going back to school and he would call a lot and we discussed this had to be limited ….he did but not enough… he also has a way of speaking that is not the way I am use to speaking.. he grew up in a tough neighborhood as a child and was in the Army for 20 yrs.. he is very regimented in his routine but does not put it on me. Since last week I have not been feeling it so I told him what is bothering me cause he said he sensed something was wrong I told him the issues and he said okay we go our ways I guess. next day came to my house with tears in his eyes unexpectedly and I started to cry … I feel guilty when I brake up with someone and I am trying to not make much contact but I am finding it hard… He cried on the phone that he loves me more than his first wife which he messed up from his addiction to drinking.. his second wife he said he left cause she was abusive towards him physically and his friends warned him about her… he said I am the first person in a long time he has opened up his heart to and it hurts and he can not just cut me out of his life he needs to hear my voice… text me late one night that he was home I was already asleep …. he called me 1:30 in the morning one time to tell me he had a bad dream about me and was shaken up.. I feel he has emotional issues and he says no. I am divorced 2 yrs plus and this is my third relationship and I am upset about it.. Should I take a brake from dating? Should I believe that he is truthful or could be hiding something from me…? Please help.
Catherin

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you tried to break up with him, but the break isn’t working because you feel guilty that he wants you so much and you are having trouble taking care of yourself instead of him.

This is a good issue for you to work on because if you can learn to make yourself important and put yourself first, you will have more luck in relationships. This guy has some issues that make him incompatible with you, and after two months of dating, it’s entirely reasonable that you’d decide he isn’t Mr. Right. What you need to do now is to cut him off so that you can focus on what is important for you in a man and a relationship and go after just that. You’re wasting time with a guy just because he wants you — or thinks he does. Put that spotlight back on yourself. Don’t waste your time — or his. The goal is a good relationship — not one where you become a caretaker.

You have to be clear with your boundaries. Don’t return his calls. Don’t allow for visits with him. Don’t go on dates with him. If you’re still having problems keeping him out of your life, get caller id on your phone and don’t pick up his calls. Block him from your internet e-mails, etc.

Buy my book, Think & Date Like A Man, at this link: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url] and read it this weekend. It’s only $15.95 and it’s a good, short read that will help you get back on track to finding a Mr. Right who is right for YOU!

[Anonymous]

Hi April,
Thank you for your reply to my last issue. The current issue is I have not broken off my relationship with this man totally. We decided to be friends and I think it is hard, yet I feel alone, and he does help me with a lot of emotional issues and we speak of looking to God to send us in the right direction. We agreed to limits to how much we will talk a day because it was getting to be that we were constantly talking or e mailing. In an E mail I mentioned that I was going out to dinner with my mother for Easter dinner, because I get depressed around the holidays , my brother has drinking and emotional issues does not like to sit for long anyway and my grandmother does not talk and is a very uptight person as well as very elderly and her and my mom do not get along well. I am only seeing this gentleman since around Jan. He then calls me and says how are you … you said you were having a rough day and your brother is a little off are you okay… I said yes I am just trying to get some work done ( I am back in school after loosing my job) He then says he made reservations for easter dinner at a particular restauraunt that I had only discussed with my mother… He mentions it and says the name of the place and says he made the reservations for the 3 of us.. then I was like “what”? how did you know I was going there? He said he did not know that he just looked up my town and that restauraunt popped up on yahoo…. then he said he was just kidding he did not make the reservations… now I am confused….at this point like what is he doing? Then I said it was weird he said this name how did he know he insists he did not know it was a coincidence. He said what happened that when he read my e mail and said he got emotional about me going to dinner with my mother for Easter because he was thinking if we were back to boyfriend girlfriend we could of spent it together… but he is a 50 yr old man and I feel this is immature behavior am I wrong? Do you think he has emotional issues? He then explains that he loves me so much but has things in perspective… but how do you love someone so much you only know a few months is that possible.? Also how soon do you think is too soon to sleep with a man? I am 37 and divorced. Not sure what to do he is great with talking about life issues and how to deal with my times of depression, he is loving and caring but sometimes he seems to be a little over board with his feelings at this point and i am not sure really how I feel about him…sometimes I say go with it work the kinks out and other times I feel like I am going crazy trying to figure out all this stuff… I don’t want to make him feel bad for expressing his true feelings but I feel the Easter dinner was something all together a little strange… that he knew the place and he said I never mentioned it and how could we spend a holiday together when we only are trying to see if this relationship we had we took a step back are now friends and trying to concentrate on our individual goals and support eachother as friends. But not sure what to do.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The advice I gave you last time stands — and more so.

You made half of the right decision — you need to break up with him[i] altogether[/i] and stop being friends or taking his calls. You’re too distracted with this guy who isn’t right for you, and instead of focusing on what’s right for you, you’re wasting your time — and his.

Get my book and read it. Then let me know how it works for you. You have to start helping yourself if you want to feel better.

[Member]

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