[RachelMW]

So I’ve been dating this guy since January,and he was amazing. He’s an accountant so his work got really busy from February-April, so we only saw each other about every other weekend, but we texted constantly. He would tell me that come May, he would have more time for me and couldn’t wait for the summer to be with me. He had all these plans and activities for us once his schedule opened up.

I should also note that we met online, and while we never stated we were exclusive, I don’t believe either one of us was dating anyone else. He disabled his online profile in Feb, while I kept mine, but rarely went on.

Anyways, we had our last date in April, and it was fantastic; everything seemed to be going well. We texted for a few more days and then all of a sudden he went quiet. I gave him some space, and didn’t talk to him. After a week, I reached out to him and asked if he was ok. He didn’t respond. After a couple of days, I sent him a message saying that I couldn’t handle the hot&cold thing, and that it was just too much drama for me. He told me that maybe it was best, as he couldn’t give me what I wanted, since he found out he has a work trip that leaves in out of the country in June for the month. We talked more, as we each had stuff to give back, and I started to ask what happened? I questioned what he was telling me, and told him that if he just lost interest then to tell me. He went on to say that his feelings haven’t changed, that he really wants to be with me, but is scared I won’t have the patience to wait for him and will grow to resent him.

It’s been a month of this back n forth, trying to figure out how to make it work, however we aren’t actually talking about the ‘how’. He’s not making much effort to keep the dialogue going, however continues to insist that he only wants to be with me, and really hopes we can make this work. That he was exclusive the entire he was with me, and does not want to be with me if we aren’t exclusive. However, he also reenabled his online profile. I don’t know what he’s doing? Or what he wants. I’m growing tired of chasing, and waiting for a proper conversation about this – but I still see what we had as being worth it. I feel like he already had the out, and he’s been given that opportunity so many times, but he’s not fully leaving. He’s not fully committing either. What’s going on, and what should I do?

[AskApril Masini]

There are a couple of basics here that I think may help:

First, never do the chasing. You said you’re tired of chasing him — good! Stop. When you chase a guy, you don’t really know how much he wants to be with you. So stop chasing.

Second, consider a timeline I recommend that allows the first three months of dating someone the time you get to know each other and decide whether or not you want to continue dating each other. If you do, use the second three months of dating to decide if you want to be monogamous or not. This prevents drama and allows you to focus on whether or not this is someone who’s right for you and vice verse.

Third, if a relationship isn’t working out for you because you don’t like a guy’s behavior, you have a couple of choices — but never tell him what to do or give him ultimatums, and expect him to be happy or stick around. 😕 For instance, if he’s not giving you as much date time as you’d like, entice him — don’t berate him. And rather then tell him you can’t take the hot and cold, play the field and find someone who’s a little more compatible with what you want.

The problem is that now, you’re pressuring him into behaving the way you want him to, and it’s no surprise he’s re-enabled his online profile. He’s not happy and is wondering if someone else will make him happy. 😉

Also, this is an opportunity for you to decide if someone who has particular work schedules, like an accountant who’s busy around tax season, is right for you. If you’re going to date an emergency room physician, you have to be willing to live with his hours. If you’re going to date a fireman, you have to be willing to live with his schedule and hours. If you’re going to date a poet or a chronic college student, you have to be able to live with his budget. In other words, don’t pick someone who’s got a certain job, career and schedule or lifestyle, and then complain about it. Instead, decide that maybe you’d like to be with someone who’s got more time for you. 😎

Hope that helps!

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[RachelMW]

Thank you for the advice.

I never actually had a problem with the schedule or amount of time that we spent together. It was him that would bring it up, and would plan all these things because he would have more time. I responded with excitement and enthusiasm though, but I never complained about how we did spend our time. And in all honesty, when I think about this working out, I’m fine with the gap of time in June where we just talk and don’t get to see each other. I’m still used to having my own life where I don’t have work around things. I didn’t want to date anyone else because I hadn’t found anyone else exciting to date; not because I thought this guy was the one. But I didn’t and don’t want to stop seeing him either.

But I’m done chasing…I shouldn’t have to; you’re right. It’s just so confusing when he had the chance to end things and won’t. How am I supposed to just walk away that easily then? I guess for now, I have to just leave him alone…if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen; otherwise I’m just going to find someone better.

Thanks for your advice.

[AskApril Masini]

You’re very welcome. 🙂

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
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