[Alora]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 3 years now and have not had sex at all for almost a year and a half. I am not really sure why but I almost feel used when we have sex. 😕 Its not in any way how he’s treating me because he always tried so hard to make sure I was getting what I wanted out of it. I don’t know if the problem is that he would always want to jump into it or that he could never last longer than 5 minutes. I felt awful telling him I wanted to wait for sex until marraige. It broke him and I could tell that he felt like it was because he was bad at it which is completely untrue. Even when he only lasted 5 minutes IT WAS THE BEST 5 MINUTES EVER. I guess I just want any advice on any of these issues. I have so many questions that if I wrote them all you would be reading this as a full time job 😀

[Ask April Masini]

You have to tell me more so that I can give you good advice. How old are you both? Briefly, what is your sexual history, and his?

It’s definitely not normal for two adults to have no sex for 18 months in a three year relationship, so something is wrong. Sex is a normal drive for adults, and if you don’t have that drive there may be a biological problem, so getting a full physical and telling your physician everything is crucial to your situation.

In addition if you don’t talk honestly to your boyfriend this problem will get worse. You have to stop protecting him and yourself, and tell the truth if you want a healthy and happy relationship with him.

I look forward to hearing more from you so I can help you better. 🙂

[Alora]

I am 21 and he is 22. A very sexual time for most people our age. We sre both young yes but both pretty mature relationship wise. We tell eachother EVERYTHING. I have told him before that I “think” the reason we don’t have sex is that I feel like I don’t enjoy it at all.

Our sexual history: He has had sex once with a very drunk girl at a party which he didn’t enjoy at all. and the first girl he was only able to thrust 3times before finishing. I on the other hand have slept with 3 people and each person over 10 times.

[Ask April Masini]

It sounds like he may have been emotionally traumatized to some extent by shame from ejaculating prematurely with his one sexual partner. What you need to do to encourage him is to tell him how you feel, tell him that you want to have sex with him, and tell him you want to enjoy the process, not necessarily the outcome. Sex within a loving relationship doesn’t always end with one person or the other having an orgasm — sometimes, especially when you’re both relatively inexperienced, you have to make mistakes and bump up against problems like ejaculating quickly, along the way. Shame is your enemy and communication is the tool that is going to help you work through this problem.

If you both want to have sex, but have fears about having it, talking to each other and taking things slowly are going to help you a lot.

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