[dejarose21]

Hi, April! I’m 18 and have been in a serious relationship with my current boyfriend for five months now. When we met I was in a different relationship, with my first love. He wasn’t my first boyfriend, but he was the first guy that I truly fell in love with, and I was his first love, as well. We were together for seven months, from the time I was 17-18 and he was 14-15 (we are about two and a half years in age difference). I thought he would be the one I would marry someday, but he left me one day out of nowhere, when everything seemed to be going fine. I was heartbroken and depressed, on the brink of suicide. I had just lost my father not too long before I got into the relationship with him, and my losses just seemed overwhelming because he left me when I was already in such a dark place. I have a texting app that I use with my friends, called Kik. When I was with my ex, I was in a group chat that was run by my current boyfriend. My screen name had my ex’s name on it, so when he broke up with me I changed my name and started ignoring everyone. My current boyfriend saw this and reached out to me, as a friend, to see if I was okay. We started talking every day, after that, and he would flirt with me sometimes, telling me I was beautiful and deserved better. He talked me through the depression and heartbreak, and we got to know each other really well. We didn’t know each other in person, though, as he lived out of state. After a couple weeks of talking, we decided to date. Two weeks after we made it official, I moved in with him. It was a drastic measure, but I was having familial problems and had nowhere else to go, so he offered me a place to stay. I was desperate, so I packed a bag and went to another state to meet by boyfriend for the first time and move in with him. He’s 22 and from an entirely different background than I am, so while we get along really well and have a lot of the same morals, we clash in our understanding. For instance, I love wearing dresses and heels and other cute girly stuff, but his mentality is that girls only do that to get guys. He accuses me of cheating sometimes, which is insulting, because I am very loyal and I spend most of my time with him. Soon after I moved in, we were in love and inseparable. We still are, though sometimes we do have really intense arguments. I feel like our relationship is the best I’ve ever had half the time and crazy the other half. I know that statistics say that moving in at a young age and early in a relationship is bad, and I’m worried I might become another statistic. I love him and can’t take another heartbreak, but I don’t know if this is likely to last. Any thoughts?

[AskApril Masini]

Your age difference isn’t the issue here. It’s the fact that you moved in with him before dating him. That’s a tough goal to make work at any age! Usually you shouldn’t move in with someone before knowing him really well (dating for a year), because if things don’t work out, it’s a lot more traumatic to break up than if you’re just dating from your own homes. The other problem is that it sounds like you moved in with him because you had family troubles and no where else to go. 😕 I’d normally suggest you work out your family troubles, or move into your own place with roommates before you move in with a guy you haven’t dated.

But since you’re already living together, you’re getting to know each other. You have to decide if you want to make this work or not because I’m not hearing any real deal breakers here — just differences. If you can compromise on the differences, you may be able to make this work, but if there’s too big a gap between you both, obviously, you’re going to be in for a tough ride if you stay.

I hope that helps.

[dejarose21]

Thank you for the quick reply, and yes, it does help. I really do want to make it work and he says he does, too, so I think I just need to try my best to compromise with him when we have problems. Thanks for your input, April!

[AskApril Masini]

You’re very welcome!

[Sally]

I want to be honest with you, gently. What you went through before him was intense losing your dad, losing your first love, feeling that low and then this relationship started fast while you were hurting. He didn’t just become your boyfriend, he became your safety net. That can make love feel huge, but it can also make it feel confusing.
The part that worries me isn’t the age gap or moving in quickly as much as the accusations and control. Him questioning your clothes, accusing you of cheating, those intense arguments that stuff chips away at you over time. Love shouldn’t make you feel watched or misunderstood.

You’re not weak for loving him. And you’re not wrong for wondering if this will last. You don’t have to decide everything right now. Just ask yourself this quietly: do you feel more like yourself with him, or smaller?
You deserve a love that feels steady, not scary half the time.

[Tara]

This relationship was built on desperation, not love, and desperation always turns into control. You didn’t heal from your first breakup or your father’s death; you panicked, latched onto the first person who made you feel seen, and ran straight into a live-in relationship with a stranger five minutes after meeting him. That wasn’t romance. That was survival mode.

He didn’t “save” you; he positioned himself as your rescuer, and now he’s policing your body, your clothes, and your loyalty. A man who tells you that wearing dresses means you want male attention is insecure, ignorant, and laying the groundwork for control. Accusing you of cheating when you’re isolated, young, and financially dependent is not love; it’s projection and ownership. The “best relationship half the time, crazy the other half” isn’t passion. It’s instability. Healthy relationships don’t oscillate between heaven and hell.

You’re 18, emotionally traumatized, living out of state with a 22-year-old who holds all the power, housing, age, experience, and emotional leverage. You’re not equals. You moved in before you even knew how he handles anger, jealousy, or respect. And now you’re scared to leave, not because this is solid, but because you’re terrified of being alone again. That fear is running your life.

[Member]

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