[INBD]

Hello, I am a 40 year old male married to my 44 year old wife of Appx 4 years. Both my wife and I are self employed with separate businesses. We live together and I have twin daughters who are 13 years old from a previous marriage. My wife has children who are grown and live on their own. Currently my daughters are living with their mother. (Temporarily)
My wife and I get along well for the most part. Our only real issues have to do with finances in our marriage.
We make approximately the same amount of money and both work a lot.
I pay all the bills but occasionally, struggle to keep up. When I do, my wife refuses to help pay any bills.
Should I feel guilty for asking for help paying the bills?

She says she is “old fashioned” and expects I should take care of the bills. I would be fine with that but when I fall short, I feel like she could help out simply because we are husband and wife and should operate as “one”.
Am I wrong for that?
When she does contribute, she expects to be paid back.

I am expected to do half of the housework with the exception of laundry. I do all the yard work and any repairs.
If I’m paying all the bills, should I have to help with housework as well?

We just recently went on a vacation that my wife’s daughter paid for as a surprise to us. I was expected to come up with the spending money because “HER daughter paid for the trip.”
Should the spending money be my responsibility just because it was her daughter who paid for the trip?

When my daughters did live here, we had an argument about her helping with the bills. She took all the bills and divided them by 4 and said her portion should be 1/4 since she was 1 of 4 people in the home. Does that sound right?

My wife may buy a few cleaning supplies or consumables, I’m talking like maybe $100 a month, if that and gets angry that she has to spend that.

I just don’t understand….am I wrong for thinking this doesn’t seem right? All the money she earns gets spent on whatever she wants, but nothing for me or bills.
It just doesn’t seem right but she has this idea in her mind that I am not doing my job or something.
I buy absolutely nothing for myself. I wear worn out clothes and shoes just to pay the bills and she is buying jewelry and clothes and reinvesting in her business etc….
Am I wrong for thinking something doesn’t seem right here?
I love my wife to no end but this just really bothers me.
Thanks, in advance, for any advice or input.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re not wrong about any of your feelings — but they’re feelings, and you’re really talking about a practical matter here that is best dealt with practically. 😉 What you need are compromises and boundaries.

For instance, you can have a conversation that is not heated (try — I know it’s hard to discuss a sore point when it’s money) where you tell her that you completely understand her point of view. She may have been burned in the past, financially, or she may be completely old fashioned — you get it and you respect it. However, you don’t feel the same way because you saw your parents share everything and do everything for each other and you want to emulate that pattern in your relationship. However…. since the two of you are far apart, you hope she’ll meet you in the middle, and you’re open to suggestions and discussion on how to take care of both your needs.

Next, look beyond money for these compromises. For instance…. she may want to spend the holidays with as a family with her parents, and you want to with yours. This can be a bargaining chip. She may want a new car and you may offer to hold off on getting one, yourself, so she can get one for herself. Or…. offer to put the house in both your names in exchange for her putting her on the mortgage as well. Or you can agree to contributing to her business, but you’d like an ownership stake in it since you’re supporting it. These are just some ideas. I’m sure you can come up with some specific ones.

The other place you can go is boundaries. When you use boundaries without anger, they can be very effective. For instance, you can explain that you would like to have separate checking accounts so that you can feel that things are a little fairer for now — and then do it. You can stop putting money into a joint checking account or you can put her on an allowance. She’ll be disappointed by these boundaries, but they may help you feel better about feeling taken advantage of financially.

[Member]

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