[andrebo]

Hi I’ve never done this before but..,
I’ve been dating this guy for about 4 years now (we’re engaged – we’re in a gay relationship). Well I work for Alberta Justice – Crown Counsel (Criminal Prosecutor) – I’ve been a Crown Prosecutor for about 2 years and a Defense Lawyer before that for about a year. I Prosecute people from all walks of life, which includes the CDSA (controlled drug and substances act under the criminal code of Canada). I’m going to be honest and say that I’m very anti drug as I know what it does to you, personally and professionally.

When I was dating my fiance in our first month he stated that he is using recreational drugs such as cannabis and cocaine. at this time i was a L3 (3rd year of Law School).
I was kind of shocked but I loved him and he promised not to take any drugs again.

Recently he has started hanging out with his former “pot/coke buddy” and he smelled like cannabis once I got home. I’m usually in the courts or in my office from 6:30 to about 5 Monday through Friday, he also has similar hours. I love this guy, and want to spend the rest of my life with him.

I have confronted him about this and he promises he hasn’t touched weed or cocaine, however one morning while he was sleeping I breached his privacy and looked in his work bag which i found a little baggy of white powder.

I was really shocked and It’s killing me inside because he lied to me.

I was born in Brazil and into a drug family and I hate drugs to the core.

I really don’t know what to do.

Thanks,

– Andrej B.

[Clara]

You breached his privacy because you don’t trust him. This is now part of the relationship dynamic. It’s important to get this out in the open now — if you don’t trust him, that’s one thing, but if you’re so upset about what it is you don’t trust him about, that you’re going to go snooping — then you need to confess your breach and talk about what’s happened to the relationship dynamic before it spirals further downward.

Drug use is one thing, and incompatibilities when it comes to drug use is another, but when you’re both sneaking around behind each other’s’ backs you have a bigger problem. In order to make this work, you have to have honesty and understanding. If he’s not honest about his drug use, the relationship is built on a foundation of dishonesty. If you’re not honest about your trust and are sneaking around and snooping, your relationship is built on a foundation of dishonesty. So deal with the honesty first. It’s way more important than the drug use.

Next, decide where you stand. If you have a zero tolerance policy, then this is over. No judgment. If you can concede any legal substances or legal use of the substances, but not the illegal ones, then that’s a compromise. If he’s using illegal substances, as your fiancee, he’s putting your careering jeopardy, and his own legal profile in jeopardy. This isn’t a moral conversation, it’s a practical one. Whether or not you believe it’s okay to drive drunk, if you get pulled over and arrested, your moral stance isn’t a legal argument, so keep the conversation clear. And lastly, understand that if your fiancee is an addict (I’m not sure from your post how involved in drug use he is), addicts lie. Their primary relationship is with their substance. You will be a far second in priority.

Lastly, understand that love and behavior are two different things. You can love someone, but be incompatible for a life together. You can be compatible and not share love. When you comprehend this fact, you’ll be better able to decide with whom and how you want to share your life with someone. Just because you love him, may not make him your Mr. Right. 😉

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