[Runbake]

OK, so I have been divorced for 3 years from my ex husband; we have been together for almost 23 years and even after the divorce, we stayed friends. In fact, we got along better after we divorced some days than we did while we were married. I wanted the divorce; he wanted to try to work things out. I had been cheating on him, had cheated on him throughout our marriage. Yes, it was bad. He should have gotten rid of me a long time ago, but wanted to hold on.

So about a year after we divorced, we tried getting back together. I moved back into the house for a while, but still wanted to buy a house. Growing up, my mom never owned her own place and when she would change boyfriends, we would move. I wanted something of my own, even though the house I moved back into my ex and I bought together. He kept it, of course, since he paid for it and put all the money into it. So last summer, I started looking and told him. It wasn’t that I wanted to end our relationship, I didn’t want to just live with someone for the rest of my life. I wanted marriage again. Problem is, we had trust issues. Of course. I did everything I could to ensure he knew what I was doing, until I went to ball game with one of my army buddies and his kids. Our mutual friend had extra seats and she couldn’t use them, so we went. THe ex was out of town so I went alone. I had a blast. The one thing about my ex is I felt like when we went out he was a lump on a log and I wanted to have fun. I felt like I couldn’t because I felt guilty for leaving him to talk to others, say at a happy hour.

So I go and have a blast, and a few weeks later go out with that same guy and our mutual friend to an amateur roller derby show and then to the movies. Didn’t invite my ex. Yes, I am a schmuck. I should have, but wasn’t sure how he would feel about going to roller derby. I wanted to spend time with my friends. I started hanging out more with this friend, who I later found out had wanted to date me for years but he was married. He separated a few months before the ball game.

OK, long story short, I cheated again on my ex while we were dating and living under the same roof. My ex went on a dating website and had a few dates, I bought the house (very cute, by the way), but had a bad feeling about it before buying it. I bought it anyway. So, I move out and am still seeing both men. My ex and I never figured out where our relationship was headed. I’d ask him where he thought we were going nd he said he didn’t know. OK, neither did I, fair enough.

So the ex and I go on a short vacation to another state over Christmas, and had a blast. My ex kept pressuring me to choose between the two, and I couldn’t. He represented stability and the other guy represented fun. So, I treated my ex like crap; he said recently he was done with me, he felt like he was being pulled like a puppet on a stroing and that we would never be together again. He is seeing someone who he had contacted right before we got back together and says he is more relaxed and happy. He and I still talk and are still good friends. She doesn’t understand that and I am willing to step away if it means a better future for him. The last straw was when I dumped both of them under the premise of being busy for an 8 week class and working, but joined a dating site to meet new people. I was tired of the pressure and feeling like I was going crazy. I was seeing a therapist but have stopped for a lot of different reasons. My counselor said that when I was with my ex I was more grounded, but when I moved away from him I started wandering. I now see that is true.

I am mourning the loss of this relationship, even though it was entirely my fault. He wanted to go to counseling and I said no, we had tried that route before. He said we both never wanted to try at the same time. Now he’s off and happy and I am still mourning this loss. I wish I could go back to last summer and make different choices. No, I don’t want him back because someone else has him, which I think was the case when we got back together; I want him back because I miss him and miss being with him. I read somewhere this morning that if you don’t change something in yourself, if you go back to an ex, it will fail because you’re doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

I am going to work on me, possibly let the guy I am seeing go, especially since he is seeing someone else, but I have some questions: 1) Is it ok to maintain a friendship with him, and 2) once I do more work on myself, how can I show him I have changed? Can I get to the point where I dont do the things I used to, or because I cheated in the past, will I always remain a cheater? I don’t want to be and didn’t cheat in any other relationship I have had since them. Should I just forget about him and move on, since he has? Should I leave it be?

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

[quote]1) Is it ok to maintain a friendship with him…[/quote]

It’s not a good idea to maintain a friendship with an ex because you’re not really friends — you’re exes with a very intense past. And it doesn’t sound like what you really want is friendship — it sounds like you want a reconciliation. This isn’t friendship. So, no, I would advise against trying to stay in contact with your ex, and being his friend. Besides, you’ve already tried it, and you can see it didn’t work. If you have children together you should be civil and co-parent, but because of the history you have together, there’s no place for friendship between the two of you now.

[quote]…and 2) once I do more work on myself, how can I show him I have changed? [/quote]

As for doing work on yourself, I think that’s a great idea, but you should do the work because you want to be a better person — not because you want to impress your ex-husband. So do the work because it’s the right thing to do, and allow yourself to move on, as he has. 😉

[quote]Can I get to the point where I dont do the things I used to, or because I cheated in the past, will I always remain a cheater? [/quote]

I believe that you can be whomever you want to be, and you can make whatever changes you’d like to make. So if you don’t want to cheat, you can commit to that value and live by it. 😉

[quote]I don’t want to be and didn’t cheat in any other relationship I have had since them. Should I just forget about him and move on, since he has? Should I leave it be?[/quote]

Yes, I think you should move on from your ex. You’ve already give it a try, post divorce, and that didn’t work. He’s seeing someone else and it’s time for you to learn your lessons, make your changes, and live a better life. 🙂

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Member]

Posts