[Just_Being_Me]

I don’t know where to begin. Well, I was engaged to be married on 8/14/2010 until yesterday when my fiance decided that it would be best if we both go our separate ways. I disagreed but if that was his choice, then there’s nothing for me to do but to let him go. We went to high school together but never interested in one another. Some how within our 25th class reunion that took place in 2008, we began dating each other. So what led to this, here we go. I have a 19 year old daughter and he a 19 yr old son. When my daughter graduated high school in 2008 I gave her my truck and purchased me a new car. She didn’t adhere to the rules and allowed her boyfriend to drive it and he was involved in an accident. While taking the truck from her she also lost her job and now wouldn’t be able to afford the insurance. It’s been sitting since 7/09. My fiance didn’t have a vehicle and I offered to let him use my daughter truck to drive back and forth to work. Okay, months passed and still I never gave him the key, so he never used the truck. He and I were using my car to go back and forth to work. January 2010, my daughter is now working. I didn’t give her the truck back because as she and I discussed, the only way she could get it back was to change the title into her own name and get her own insurance. Afterall, my insurance company dropped me because of her boyfriend was not a listed driver. She began working and I along with my fiance would give her a ride to the bus stop in the morning on our way to work. One morning I asked if she was going to get the titles changed and she said no (this one done out of anger). So I said I’ll just sell it. One of my fiance co-workers was interesting in buying it but didn’t have the money. So I said you know what you could just take the truck and do whatever repairs need to be done. Two weeks pass and nothing was ever said about the truck, just still sitting. My daughter called and apologize and spoke of her interest in her truck. She paid her uncle the money to do a tune-up on the truck and gave me the money to get the title changed plus showed me the paperwork for her insurance quotes. The titles are not changed but for the past three weeks I have allowed to drive the truck to go to work and school and then she has to park it. On Friday, 3/12 my fiance asked what happen to truck. I said I told you my daughter gave my brother the money to do a tune-up and she has it now. He says that I should have told him that I was given her the truck back. He feels as though i’m choosen my daughter over him. He insist that the problem is not with my duaghter but with the decision I make when it comes to her. He feels that I am a “puppet”, that she dictates to me and that I need to be the mother. he feels as though I can’t handle the reponsibility of being his fiance/wife and her mother, so that’s why he called it off. Though this may be a temp thing, I see a different view of him now and if we were to talk things over, I don’t know how to allow to mend the damage he’s done to my heart. Please advice.

[Ask April Masini]

It sounds like the truck is just the tip of the iceberg. I don’t understand why you offered to let your fiance use your daughter’s truck, but then never gave him the key. 😕 Maybe deep down, you didn’t want to give him the truck even though you told him he could use it. It was probably a mistake to offer him something you didn’t want to give him, and then not give it to him without explaining your behavior.

That said, the reality is that if he had his own vehicle he wouldn’t have needed the truck you bought for your daughter and then confiscated when she misbehaved, and then allowed her to earn back. It would have been much easier if he could have seen that this truck was bought for your daughter, and in spite of the problems you had with her owning it, for you to give it to him would have made her feel uncomfortable about your giving “her truck” to your boyfriend/fiance.

Clearly, though, your fiance felt second best because you never gave him your daughter’s truck. You weren’t wrong — I’m just explaining his feelings to you. The problem could be that he doesn’t have one of his own, which he should have gotten on his own. The problem could also be that your fiance was jealous of your relationship with your daughter. 🙁

From what you’ve described in your post it really doesn’t sound like you were manipulated by your daughter — unless there’s more to the story.

I know you’re heartbroken that your fiance has left you, but there’s not enough to this story to warrant his leaving. It doesn’t make sense that he’d leave you because you gave your daughter the truck you bought for her. I’m sorry, but I think you may be better off without him, given the story you’ve told.

[Just_Being_Me]

Ms. April,

I thank you for your advice. The details that I did leave are that when my boyfriend and I first started dating, my daughter had just moved in with her aunt because of her truck being taken away from her and where her lived was more convenient for her to get back and forth to work (this was before she was fired). My boyfriend didn’t live with me but we spent a lot of time together. My daughter moved backed home but still was not allowed to use the truck. She got another job and I would give them both a ride in the morning. I got tired of getting up on my off days to bring my daughter to work and this is when I addressed the change of title with my daughter again. After I have had some time to think about, the only thing I was wrong about was offering the truck in the first place and accept responsibility for that. Still it shouldn’t have made him feel as though I was putting him on a back burner. At least that’s what he says I made him feel.

[Ask April Masini]

You’re right — the only thing you did wrong was offering him the truck and then not giving it to him. But that was an honest and human mistake, and should have been easily addressed and forgiven. What you’re not getting is that you think that that “shouldn’t have made him feel like you were putting him on the back burner.”

[i]Not so fast![/i]

People have all kinds of feelings that are triggered by all kinds of events. It’s not for you to impose your reference points or judgments on your now ex-boyfriend. The reality is that this incident DID make him feel like he was on the back burner (whether or not you agree with his feelings, they’re real) and second to your daughter in your life. You and he did not see eye to eye on this issue, and rather than pack up and leave, a more mature way of dealing with this would have been for some heart to heart talks that are ESSENTIAL to blending families — even when the children have not quite flown the nest in spite of their ages.

It’s VERY NORMAL for a boyfriend or girlfriend to feel second best to a child, and your partner, whoever he ends up being, needs to have the tools to be able to discuss his feelings with you, hear yours, and make compromises. His feelings sound like they’re very deep seeded, and until he is able to discuss them with you and be open to the fact that he doesn’t have to live by every feeling he has, this won’t work.

If he doesn’t come around and things don’t work out with your ex, then look for a man with more tools to use in a blended family next time.

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