[Anonymous]

Hello,
I am 26 years old and have been dating the same guy for a while. I love the guy I am with, but have been talking to another guy (I will call him second guy) online for the past three years (which makes things complicated because i know I need to pick one). I have great relationships with both guys, but I know the second guy is not ready for a commitment (and I know this—but its hard not to be crazy about him).

I have been intimate with the second guy, and we literally talk on the computer every day (or we text silly things). We have such strong attraction (mentally and physically) and its confusing because I know he is going to be moving away for school and know he cannot enter into a serious relationship. I recently broke up with my boyfriend, and wondered why the second guy backed away (I figured he would jump all over that when I became single)…i took it personal at first (he knew we broke up—and when we got back together he asked me why we were back together). I just recently confronted him about it (because I know how much he adores me—we have everything in common and we are very attracted to one another). After confronting him, he said that he fears getting close to me, because he knows it will lead to commitment and he can’t be in a serious relationship right now (because he is going away). This is nothing new….i knew he felt this way about getting into a serious relationship for a while. He has told me about this commitment/serious relationship fear for a while. He sort of acts like, if he had taken our relationship to the next level, that he may lose me….and thats a huge risk.

He recently started “seeing” a girl that lives in another state 15 hours away….when I asked him why he didnt take that initiative with me…he said that he had nothing to lose with this other girl….and if it ends it just ends —no strings attached. I told him that I would have understood if that had happened to us…and he did not agree. We both know we could have something awesome….but there is something he fears with me. You would think that if someone has a strong attraction like we do (physically and mentally) that they would go to any lengths to be with you…but he has a fear that I cant figure out. It is almost like he loves talking online and texting because he knows its safe….and when we get too close— he gets scared. He also refers to me as his pseudo lover.

My question is—– how can this guy be perfect for me—-but in many ways be scared to get close to me….can he actually be afraid to commit to me incase he loses what we have when he leaves?

At this point —I am back together with my boyfriend—- but I question why the second guy didnt take the plunge/rsik to take it to the next level if we are perfect for each other (and we both know it). Please advice? Now that I am back with my boyfriend…I feel like the second guy is relieved that the fear to get close to me doesn’t have to be there—because I am in a relationship (now there is no risk that we could get too close). I have asked him if we lived in the same city if he would be with me…and he has said he would find it hard not to be (although he fears this….. the distance keeps the fear in check). Advice?

[AskApril Masini]

Your now ex-boyfriend clearly did not want a commitment. Short of taking out a neon sign to announce this, he couldn’t be more clear. You’re imposing your own values on him and that’s the mistake you’re making. Just because you would behave certain ways and do certain things does not mean anyone or everyone else would. And this guy is different than you — yet you keep wondering why he’s different. Forget why. Accept reality.

Your ex-boyfriend is not interested in committing to a woman right now, so he’s not perfect for you. Let that fantasy go. It doesn’t exist.

I hope that clears up your confusion! 🙂

Let me know how you’re doing — and join me on Facebook. Here’s that link: [url][/url].

[Anonymous]

Thanks April,
I guess I just wondered what you thought about a guy saying that “he can’t handle a committment” right now. He has told me time and time again about this issue he has (I know he has struggled with the divorce of his parents), but why would he go see this other girl and not me? There is no question that he is totally in to me and adores me….could he really be avoiding me so that things can’t be taken to the next level (when I confronted him this is what he said….and that he’s afraid)? Could this fear really exist or is it bull?

[AskApril Masini]

I always say you should pay attention to behavior and not so much language, but this guy is giving you stereo with his behavior [i]and[/i] his language. He’s chosen another woman over you who lives 15 hours away. I’d say that’s a pretty good for a commitment-phobe like him. As he told you himself, there’s not a lot to lose with her because she lives so far away.

He may be into you, but he’s not THAT into you that he doesn’t want to date someone else instead…. 😕 You can call his behavior fear based or you can call it choice based or you can call him plain old lazy because it’s a lot easier to romance a woman who’s not around than it is one who’s around and committed.

I think you need to check your mirror. His behavior is so clear, but yours is the behavior that is confusing you. Why are you spending so much time thinking about a man who doesn’t want to date you and has a new girlfriend already? Are YOU looking for a man who’s not available? Because he’s not.

My advice is to find a man who wants to be with you and who wants the same type of commitment you do at the same time. I hope that helps. Let me know how you do. And join me on Facebook! Here’s that link: [url][/url].

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