[Lolalove8]

I BELIEVE THAT I HAVE FOUND MY MISSING PUZZLE PIECE. WE HAVE HELPED ONE ANOTHER THROUGH SO MUCH AND BALANCE ONE ANOTHER OUT PERFECTLY AND EFFORTLESSLY. HOWEVER> WE BOTH HAVE COME FROM A DESTRUCTIVE LONG TERM PAST RELATIONSHIP. THE THING THAT HE WILL NOT STAND IS VIOLENCE IN THE RELATIONSHIP SINCE HIS LAST ONE WAS CONSTANTLY VIOLENT. HIS EX USED TO GET PHYSICAL WITH HIM MORE OFTEN THAN NOT. NOW HERE IS WHAT HAPPENED: I HAVE GOTTEN A BIT PHYSICAL WITH HIM MYSELF A FEW TIMES. A COUPLE OF NIGHTS AGO HOWEVER WAS THE LAST STRAW FOR HIM. I GOT VERY INTOXICATED AND FELL ASLEEP AS HE WAS DRIVING US TO OUR NEXT LOCATION TO HAVE A FEW MORE DRINKS WITH SOME FRIENDS UPON MY OWN REQUEST. HE SLAPPED MY LEG A FEW TIMES IN ATTEMPT TO WAKE ME UP AND I SNAPPED! IT WAS UNNECESSARY AND UNCALLED FOR FROM MY PART. BUT I YELLED AND FOUGHT WITH HIM AND SLAPPED HIM REPEATEDLY. IT WAS ONLY THE NEXT MORNING THAT I REALLY PUT ALL OF THE PIECES TOGETHER AND REMEMBERED ALL THAT HAD HAPPENED AND WHAT I HAD DONE. HE WENT TO A HOTEL THAT NIGHT AND I CALLED HIM THE FOLLOWING MORNING AND EXPRESSED MY SINCERESY APOLOGY. HE HAS HAD ENOUGH AND NO LONGER WANTS TO BE WITH ME. HE IS STILL AT THE HOTEL AND IS MOVING OUT WITHIN THE NEXT FEW DAYS. I HAVE ALLOWED MYSELF TIME TO THINK ABOUT ALL OF THIS AND PIN POINT WHERE EVERYTHING STARTED GOING SO TERRIBLY WRONG. AFTER REFLECTING ON THE PAST FEW MONTHS I FINALLY REALIZED THAT I HAD BEEN PICKING FIGHTS AND SLOWLY TEARING APART OUR RELATIONSHIP IN A SUBCONSCIOUS EFFORT TO SABOTAGE MY OWN HAPPINESS. IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW AND I FEEL THAT NOW I AM CERTAIN THAT I CAN BE A BETTER GIRLFRIEND TO HIM AND A BETTER PERSON IN GENERAL. HOWEVER> I AM AFRAID THAT IT MAY BE TOO LATE! I SIMPLY DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. I SAW HIM LAST NIGHT WHEN HE CAME BY TO PICK UP SOME MORE OF HIS THINGS AND ASKED THAT WE MEET TODAY TO SIT AND TALK ABOUT SOME THINGS. I AM IN A BIT OF A PANIC BECAUSE ALTHOUGH I HAD THIS GREAT EPIPHANY IT MAY NOT BE ENOUGH… I LOVE HIM WITH MY WHOLE HEART AND HE HAD CHANGED MY LIFE FOR THE BETTER IN SO MANY WAYS. I DO NOT WANT TO LOSE HIM AND I KNOW THAT I CAN BE EVERYTHING HE WANTS AND NEEDS. I JUST NEED ONE MORE CHANCE. PLEASE IF YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS PLEASE OH PLEASE HELP ME.

THANK YOU FOR READING AND I HOPE TO HEAR BACK SOON.
_LOLA

[Lolalove8]

Please any advice would be much appreciated! I am going to see him this evening, Aug. 13th.

[Ask April Masini]

Your epiphany will be helpful as a guide. It’s entirely possible that you’ve been sabotaging this relationship because deep down you don’t feel you deserve to be in a happy and healthy relationship. But that’s just the epiphany. Epiphanies are only as helpful as the work you do to guide yourself using them.

The bigger problem you have is your use of violence. Your now ex-boyfriend is right not to tolerate violence. That you have been violent with him more than once makes it sound like he’s given you several chances to clean up your act and you haven’t. His drawing the line with you and moving out is what made you want to behave better. It’s important for you that you really understand that healthy people won’t tolerate violence. That’s why this break up is painful — and important for you.

You’re getting another chance by his breaking up with you. If he doesn’t, I guarantee you won’t change your behavior. Everyone has their own personal reasons for changing behavior. Some people want to change their behaviors to get something good — some people want to change their behaviors to avoid something bad. You appear to be doing the latter.

The fact that drinking was involved with this violence indicates that you may have an issue with alcohol as well as violence. There are lots of resources you can use to start helping yourself today with these problems. I advise you to accept this opportunity to turn your life around.

I know you’re panicked and anxious about losing your boyfriend, but you have to step back and look at the bigger picture — by losing him, you’re being given a healthy boundary that will help you move towards help with your drinking and violence. In addition, if you REALLY love him, you’ll want the best for him, and by keeping his promise to himself that he won’t be in a relationship with someone who is violent, he’s doing the right thing for himself — and I hope you can be glad for him that he is, even though you lose out by his being healthy and separating from you.

Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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