[TheArtistsTechnique]

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 1 yr and half now. We live together and we have talked about marriage and staying together forever. I want to marry this guy. I love him.
We’ve gotten in a couple of agruments lately about his girl friend. The first time she started drama between me and my boyfriend and convinced him to get mad at me. My boyfriend believed what she had said was true without asking me and automatically got mad at me. I was furious. I couldn’t believe he would automatically believe her and that he would hurt me on purpose because his female friend told him to do so. Later, he appologized and she appologized too because they realized they both were wrong. I forgave them both and we continued to hang out and be friends. She has a boyfriend too. The four of us hang out together a lot.
Tonight, she started another fight between me and my boyfriend. She overheard me talking privately to a friend of mine about an issue I needed to confront my boyfriend about. His female friend decided to text my boyfriend and tell him that she needed to talk him. I found out through another friend that she overheard my conversation and I went ahead and my told my problem to my boyfriend before his girl friend could.
I am really pissed that she felt she should be involved, when it had nothing to do with her. I understand that in a friend’s sense she could be looking out for him. But if she is my friend then too, then why doesn’t she talk to me? The last agurment was the same exact thing. She texted my boyfriend complaining about me, when she could have just texted me. She claimed she didn’t want to hurt my feelings and that’s why she texted my boyfriend, but I know that wasn’t true because she’s mean to my face a lot and she tells me so and says she’s a mean girl and just laughs about it.
I find it untrustworthy and drama filled that she texts him about bad things to say about me. I am very hurt that my boyfriend doesn’t take my side and see she causes problems, when she shouldn’t be involved between something that doesn’t even involve her, it only involves my boyfriend and I.
This is the second agrument that she has caused within a month’s span. I don’t want to be her friend anymore and I don’t want my boyfriend to be her friend anymore either. Is it wrong for me to want that? I feel like he should side with me and stop being her friend for coming between us and causing problems. I also feel if he loved me, he wouldn’t let her to be mean to me like that. I don’t have guy friends, because I gave them up for my boyfriend, out of coutesy. I would never let another guy hurt my boyfriend like that.
His female friend isn’t even that nice to me when we hang out. She is constantly telling me I’m weird and making fun of me. I tell my boyfriend that it hurts my feelings but he always defends her and says I’m over reacting.

Would it be wrong to tell my boyfriend I don’t want him to be friends with her anymore?

[Anonymous]

Ok you know this and I know this first of all. What is it we know you ask well here it is basically your bf is secretly attracted to this girl he would love to take her aside and ya do her brains out. Buttttttt he’s not doing that and the reason is he believes your better for him longterm where as she would probably be a fling. It would be very difficult to mess with her and keep the relationship with you where you don’t find out. From how she’s acting by her unneeded contact with your bf it sounds like she has some attraction for him as well but probably not enough to actually act out on anything. Everything there doing is basically like trying to find excuses to get closer to each other where it appears innocent but it’s not it’s actually very deadly the way there acting. If you don’t force him to eliminate contact then bad things will eventually happen. The only time I wasn’t on my exes side about a topic was when I was sexually attracted to the girl who was causing the drama because I secretly wished I could have sex with her but I didn’t want to make it obvious because I didn’t want to lose my security with the relationship I had. If you have any other questions reply to this and I can discuss this with you more as I enjoy helping people and giving advice.

[TheArtistsTechnique]

Thanks for responding. Yes, I have always thought deep down they liked each other, but I thought I was just being jealous of their friendship because it was a girl. I decided not to ask him to cut ties, because I trust him. I also didn’t want to tell him to stop talking to her because I didn’t want him to resent me for telling him what to do and eventually leave me. We have been together for over a year and half and every other day and sometimes everyday, they text or call each other, about anything from getting together, funny stories, or needing advice. I feel that was too much and told him so, yet it continued anyway. When we were first dated dating, she would text him mean things about me, like digging up dirt on me because I’ve somewhat known her through college. Then she started to become my friend when she got a boyfriend, but she still was making fun of me when we were all hanging out and I would get jealous because my boyfriend would ignore me and mostly just talk to her. I have dealt with all of this and now she is actually causing us to fight and he’s standing up for her. I have just had it and I did tell him if he continues to be friends with her and her let her treat me like this, I would be gone. He told me he ended the friendship with her, but I still think she’s going to try to get him to be friends with her again and I’m afraid he will secretly be her friend. My boyfriend is friends with her boyfriend too so I know he’ll be upset if he has to cut ties with him as well. Her boyfriend and his female friend live together, so it’s going to be hard to trust that he won’t be seeing her too. Should I let him be friends with her boyfriend?
And yes, you hit the nail on the head with there is probably some attraction but she isn’t a long term girlfriend material for him so that’s why nothing happened. There friendship started because my boyfriend was friends with her brother, so they kinda knew each other and hangout through her brother. Her brother left for college and then they become more friends, and now he is more friends with her than he is with her brother, which is sketchy to me too. I do think there is attraction, but he has told me repeatedly that she is a nut and makes bad life decisions, so that is why I think he would never date her. She’s not the kind of girl I think he’s sees bringing home to the family or spending a lifetime together. Also, I’m very close to my boyfriend’s sister, we are like best friends, and my boyfriend’s sister hates this girl. My boyfriend is very close to his sister too so I know for sure, this female wouldn’t make it as apart of the family, like me.
One more part to this story my boyfriend was in a very serious relationship with another girl before me. His female friend didn’t like this girl and would get furious when he would hang out with her. My boyfriend would sneak around and still hang out with her and their other mutual friends and lie about where he had been. His female friend hated his ex and I feel she contributed to their break up. Ultimately I am afraid this could happen as well, since she has caused drama and gotten my boyfriend and I to fight with each other. How do I get her totally out of the picture without loosing him out of him feeling I’m been too controlling?
I’m really good to my boyfriend, always loyal, cooking, cleaning for him always, I’ve gotten into the things he is into, and I’m close to his family. I even told him I want to marry him. I’m three exams away from becoming a certified teacher and I told him once I start making money that I would support him to go back to school. I deserve better than this crap from his friend.

[Anonymous]

Why are you with this guy? He is keeping contact with a sleaze who is flirting with your boyfriend and he is doing the same. He isn’t being respectful to you as your boyfriend and eventually he will cheat on you. It is natural to be attracted to others while being in a relationship yes, but one who has respect for the other does what they can to keep contact limited or not keep it at all. If he really took you seriously he wouldn’t knowingly keep talking with this sleaze and distance himself from her, be honest with you and let that attraction go and work on your relationship. Why are you letting this happen? You don’t seem to believe you deserve better. Don’t you know that its better to be alone than to be in a relationship with no respect or honesty? You are holding onto this guy because you don’t want to be alone and without him; he’s all you know. That always changes, it’s called growing up. Don’t expect that he will be there alongside you forever. Learn to have some respect for yourself, have some dignity, some pride. There are men out there who will respect you. Exercise your backbone, demand respect from this dude. Do that by telling him how uncomfortable you are about the situation and how you want it to stop. If you won’t respect yourself, neither will he.

Answer: Stand up for yourself; tell him to STOP or LEAVE.

[TheArtistsTechnique]

Well in reading what I have posted here you only are hearing the negatives about my boyfriend. He does treat me good and I do honestly feels he is genuine that he cares about me and loves me and only wants to be with me. This is the first guy I’ve dated and actually felt he is the one. He makes me happy, but this situation doesn’t.

I do not think he respects some of my views because he is stubborn and he doesn’t see things the way I see them. I also think people are the way the are, no matter how much you try to influence them to be something else. In saying that, he thinks female-male relationships are okay to have, where as I don’t feel that way. I trusted him he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me and he is the first guy I’ve trusted. All my other boyfriends, I made them cut ties almost immediately with their girl friends…Mostly because I was jealous BUT after I broke up these boyfriends, they become friends again with the girls they cut ties with. I did tell my boyfriend to end talking to his other girl friend because he ruined my trust for that relationship when he secretly planned to hang out with her while I was out of town for a few days… that ended the trust for the female friend, and yes I almost broke up with him then for that. He has lost contact with her for me because I am more important to him.

I tried to show him that I would trust him being friends with this other female friend and although this girl still made me jealous and suspicious… I didn’t force him to stop being friends with her. He hasn’t done anything with her and she’s more of boyish acting then most girls, so I didn’t see any type of flirting coming from her, but she is very protective over my boyfriend, which made me question. She actually scared away the girl before me. Anyway, I took all of her nasty comets and brushed them off because I don’t really care what she thinks of me. They always came off playful, but were still mean things to say. But now I’ve a reason not to trust her and that’s it for me with her. I let the friendship play off and now that I have a reason to want this to end, I’m telling my boyfriend he can’t be friends with her.

Thank-you for your replies… although I’m still hoping April will give me her input too. (hint hint)

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The problem isn’t this other woman. The problem is your boyfriend.

There will always be obstacles in life and relationships survive because of the strength [i]the two people [/i]in them have as a unit. If he is not completely committed to you, it doesn’t matter if the person trying to break you two up is this particular woman, a health problem, a crazy mother in law, financial stress or any other issue. If the two of you don’t have the strength to withstand tough times, you won’t make it.

Clearly this woman is bad news and is definitely trying to create problems and is disrespecting you, but the REAL PROBLEM is that your boyfriend allows this. It’s wrong for you to tell him who to be friends with and who not to be friends with. You’re not his mother or his boss. What you can do is tell him how someone or some situation makes you feel. You can also say you don’t want to go out with him if this other woman is going to be there because it makes you feel rotten being around her. Let HIM make the decision about how he wants to handle her — and then YOU get to make the decision how to handle the relationship as you get to see who he truly is.

You deserve a man who doesn’t allow you to be belittled and who wants to make you the number one woman in his life — without question or hesitation. See if this guy is truly that man for you, and if he’s not, reconsider the relationship. I know this guy has many wonderful qualities, but this problem is a deal breaker if he doesn’t change his behavior.

I hope that helps — let me know how things go.

And please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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