[Lumi]

Dear April

I’ve been having this problem for a while now, and decided to ask for help. I’m 25 years old and this is my first long relationship.

My boyfriend (26) was in a relationship for 7 years before we got together. We’ve been together for a year and a half, and he’s really amazing, we’re together almost everyday, an we’re planning a future together.

Our only problem basically, is his ex-girlfriend. They’ve met in high school and have lived together for four years. My boyfriend tells me he was pretty unhappy most of the time, but didn’t know what to do. They’ve grown apart and spent almost no time together.

After me and him got together, she deleted him on Facebook, but I didn’t think much of it. But after about 6 months I started noticing that she is making incredible effort to stay in touch with his family and friends. It started off quietly enough, her commenting and liking the pictures of his band, his friends, commenting his friends pictures… Then she started calling his brother and invited him to a concert. After that she invited all of his friends to her dance show, and the longer we’ve been together, the more she writes to his friends.

Now I know they were together for a long time, but this puzzles me, because my boyfriend and my friend who knew her from before, told me she wasn’t like that at all when they were together. She studied all the time and focused on dancing, never went out, never partied, never got together with his friends..she even missed their new years party because she had to study. She has basically no friends at the faculty or from high school they told me. My friend also spent some time working with her and she told me she was rude, selfish and wasn’t nice at all unless she needed help. So I’m guessing he must be pretty lonely since they broke up.

But I didn’t think much of it. It’s just facebook after all, and they were her friends too. Even though she comments almost everything my boyfriend’s band posts on facebook an writes to his friends almost everyday, I tried not to care. Sure, I wasn’t quite comfortable with it, but I didn’t think much of it.

A couple of months ago something happened that made me really angry. She called two girls that I frequently hang out with and are also the girlfriends of the 2 guys in the band, and asked them if they want to see the movie. There she found out they are going for a drink-the band an their girlfriends, and ASKED IF SHE CAN JOIN THEM. I was out of the country at the time. They’ve said yes. Apparently her excuse was that she “misses the guys from the band really much an wants to see them again.”

Is it just me or has she crossed the line? When we get together, is for the band and their girlfriends only. Not somebody’s ex who decided she’s lonely and wants to talk to people again after 2 years. Of course I was upset and my boyfriend told me she left pretty fast after he came there and that they didn’t speak to each other.

So my question is this: am I over reacting? I try not to, but seeing her comment his friends pictures of whatever on FB constantly, calling his family and inviting herself to our parties, I can’t help but to think she wants something. Him? I don’t know. Maybe she is just really lonely and is clinging on to the only friends she ever had. But I don’t feel comfortable with his ex constantly looming somewhere in the background. And I can’t help thinking what I’ll do if she ever comes to one of our parties uninvited. I think her behaviour is childish and attention seeking-she comments almost every picture with unnecessary comment like “OMG, me to!” “Oh, you look so cute here!” “”I like that song too! ” and so on and on every day.

I would really appreciate any comments on this situation, if nothing else, just how to stop stressing about it. I have this feeling that she is slowly but surely trying to make her way back into his inner circle.

Thank you for your help, Lumi

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you may be overreacting. 😕 But, what will help, is to put your focus back on you and your boyfriend — not on his ex-girlfriend. You’ve spent a lot of energy talking about her — but it doesn’t sound like he’s done anything wrong or that your relationship with him is in jeopardy. It just sounds like his ex is still interested in him. The reality is that life is competitive, and dating is, too. She’s competing for him, and if you want to win, then instead of focusing on her, focus on the prize — your boyfriend, and find a way to be the one and only one he wants. In life there will be obstacles, and it’s important not to waste energy being reactive when you don’t need to be. If there’s a problem in your relationship with your boyfriend — I haven’t heard it here. 😉

I hope that helps!

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