[sara30]

I have been with my boyfriend for over 13 years. Recently he left and said he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me. He said he’s unhappy with me. He said I don’t think I want to be with you. A few weeks passed and I said I want to be together in anyway we can and he said ok. We spoke later and he said I want to take it slow and be together eventually. I don’t really understand what take it slow means. He hasn’t lived at home for 2 months although he hasn’t taken any of his things. We have a kid who misses him dearly. When I say I love you he doesn’t answer back. It’s painful and I feel like I don’t know where I stand. I’m in so much pain. He’s also changed a lot, his personality and his appearance. He seems to act young and selfish. He was never like that. It’s like he’s having a midlife crisis or wants to be young again and single. He hasn’t really spend a good amount of time with his child in the last year. What do I do to fix this. He has been under a lot of stress. He has a lot of financial problems and other problems, no employment right now. How do I handle this so we can get back together and he be like before. How do I go slow? Please help.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like he is separating from you, and while you don’t want the separation, you can’t change him — the only thing you can do is change yourself. If you’ve not been bringing your A game to the relationship, then there’s a chance that he’s leaving because he doesn’t see himself with you anymore because you’ve let yourself go, and he doesn’t feel good about himself in the relationship. Most men leave because they don’t like the way they feel when they’re with a woman — and they gravitate towards women who make them feel good about themselves. So if you can make him feel better about himself with you, this would be the time to do so!

But if he’s leaving you because he just can’t get his act together, and he thinks being the relationship is keeping him from doing so (whether or not he’s right), there’s not a lot you can do except to be the best single mother you know how to be. 😉

When he tells you he wants to “go slow” after 13 years and 1 child together, I think it’s his way of saying, “I’m not making any promises that we’ll get back together again,” and that he may want to play the field, date other women, and see what else is out there.

I hope that helps.

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