[vicequeen]

Okay so my fiance and I have been through a lot of crud. And we are at the point where we both know that we are dedicated to each other. However… we both have issues. I have a habit of shutting down, of internalizing everything and trying to fix things myself. He is prone to being aloof, and when I try to talk to him he gets defensive and verbally cutting. We had a very serious talk recently, and are working on communication and openness…
But here is my issue. I am an affectionate person. I like to have physical contact with my SO, even if it is just my foot touching his while we watch TV. I like to be verbally expressive often. He is the opposite. He shows physical and verbal affection roughly every 4-6 weeks. We don’t actually do anything together, or much of anything at all. We are both homebodies. He doesn’t cuddle, no kisses for any reason, and when I say ILY he usually doesn’t respond. Now like I said, I KNOW he loves me, and I know he isn’t an expressive person. But the problem is that it is causing me to feel unwanted. We talked about this, and I asked him to step oustide of his comfort zone and try to show me he cares. I have held myself back for him, he needs to reach for me… that’s not unreasonable right?
ANYWAY! The biggest issue I have right now is our sex life… or lack thereof. We have had sex maybe 7 times this year. He has given me many different reasons/excuses. The latest is that he feels our connection is on a deeper level than sex, and he doesn’t want to use me in that way. As he puts it, all the other girls he has **** are long gone. He has taken to watching xxx movies on the computer, and handles his business when I am at work. He keeps telling me to go get myselg a BOB, to which I am opposed for a few different reasons. Everyone’s first thought is that he is cheating, which let me tell you, is physically impossible. There is a slight chance he has sexual conversations online, but there is no way he can physically sleep with anyone else. I have a VERY healthy sexual appetite, and this really bothers me. But he is adamant in asserting that he will not have sex with me. I am hoping that when we have addressed the other issues in our relationship that this might resolve itself, or at least be open to adjustment, but I am unsure.
I have seen articles and forums suggesting that we (Or at least I) find sex outside of the relationship, that we make it open. I have thought about it, but deep down I balk at the idea. It just seems so WRONG to dedicate myself to someone and then seek the fulfillment of my physical needs from the outside… I am just looking for some advice and input right now, because I am very confused. We have a very complex, complicated relationship, and I do not want to lose him. But I need to be able to DO something!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m very happy to help you, but if you could fill me in on some details, that will help me help you. For instance, tell me how old the two of you are. Also, let me know how long the two of you have known each other, and how long you have been dating, and when you got engaged. Also, what is the wedding date?

I’ll look out for your response, and advise you as soon as I hear from you. 🙂

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[vicequeen]

I am 33, he is 28. We met and started dating very soon after, 3 years ago. Engaged for approximately 4 months, no set date. He is an army veteran, with PTSD. I am bipolar/ADHD, with 2 children. He is at the moment a stay at home dad to them. This was his choice, and I have not gotten on his case about it, only told him if he wanted to go back to work then I was all for it but that I don’t want him to feel forced. I know he is unhappy with himself for not being the breadwinner, and for gaining a little weight. We were never that couple that got intimate all the time, but we have gone from once a week average to once every two months, and now he says it won’t happen again at all.

[vicequeen]

I tried to respond, think I messed it up.
I am 33 and he is 28. He has PTSD from being in the army. He has been a stay at home dad to my 2 kids out of his choice, and I haven’t nagged him to get a job, only told him it was his choice and I support it either way. I know being at home bothers him, and that the weight he gained disgusts him, even though it isn’t much and I still think he looks great.
I am just not sure I can deal with this. My options seem to be get some hardware and handle myself (don’t want to), end things (cue panic attacks and physical pain at the thought), or ask for an open relationship. If I did that, I am not sure it would go over well and I am not the sharing type, so I can’t justify asking him to share me…

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The extra information you just provided helps give me (and anyone else reading who wants to chime in) a better picture of what is going on. Thank you.

The question you wrote me about, the lack of sex in your relationship with your fiancé, is one that normally, can be remedied by your working to entice him into the bedroom. When sex dwindles, the last thing a guy wants are demands or reminders that he’s not satisfying you. He wants to be the best guy you’ve ever had in bed, and when he can’t be that, he’s going to get depressed. So focus on yourself as a sexually enticing woman — whether that means buying new lingerie, taking more bubble baths and getting babysitters so the two of you can actually be alone — or what’s less obvious to many couples is, simply, spending more date time together to get into the mood. I’ve written a book called [b]Romantic Date Ideas[/b], and you’ll be able to use it to your advantage. Here’s the link where you can buy it: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url]. Buy the book and read it, and use it! In addition, do what YOU need to do to feel sexier and more romantic with him. And don’t look to him to solve this on his own — this is relationship dynamic that needs to shift, and if you make changes in yourself, there will most likely be changes in him.

In the bigger picture, his PTSD is an important fact, and his depression from being unemployed, as well as suffering from PTSD, is something that needs to be addressed in order to make it possible for him to be in a relationship with [i]anyone[/i], long term. In addition to those things, he’s walking into a step-parent situation which isn’t easy for anyone, let alone someone with the challenges he’s facing. I think that if he can get a job and start working, he’s going to feel a lot better about a lot of things in his life, and you’re going to see results in the bedroom. But it’s a delicate balance to encourage him to work, let him know you find him sexy and want him, and not pressure him. 😉

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