[limper1]

Hello,

Firstly, I’m young, inexperienced and perhaps a little naive. I have a physical disability which throttles my options for sure.

Over a year ago there’s this girl I met from a series of odd coincidences. I thought she was great as I briefly got to know her. I never flirted, played it cool, she was very kind, open and seemed interested (perhaps just being compassionate?). After a long while I asked her out… I wanted her to see me as a friend in my comfort zones (see above). She told me she was seeing someone and we haven’t talked since.

A couple months ago I saw her again. Went to say ‘hi’ but she was standoffish. I figured I caught her off guard. I followed with a f/b note hoping everything was well, that I liked getting to know her as a friend and such. No response. Since then I’ve seen her around. Caught her staring as I walked past. Just leaving her space.

I bumped into her again yesterday on campus while exiting a building. Literally… She rounded right into me. She kinda smiled but walked right past. I said her name, asked if she had a moment. She said she had to get to class. I asked when it was done and she shyly said the time and went inside before I could say that I’ll wait there. I went back at the time. Waited near that door. Thought I could make out her silhouette from way down the hall but I wasn’t sure.

I feel really hurt. I mean, I did not necessarily wanted to date her. I just liked her and wanted to know her. She is very shy. I know she’s not seeing anyone now but that is irrelevant when it comes to even being socially polite in my mind.

I liked her for a reason… This doesn’t seem to be who she is. Is she a total write-off?

[AskApril Masini]

If you do write back, please let me know your ages — it always helps! 😉

It sounds like you met a young woman and liked her, but you’ve given her mixed messages. 😕 Try to put yourself in her shoes, so you may understand why she behaved as she did. Then you can change your behavior if you want to try and get a different reaction from her. Dating is a two street, and the results often have to do with both of your behaviors! Many times men and women don’t realize that what they’re putting out there is responsible for the responses they’re eliciting. So let’s take a look at what happened, closely:

If you meet someone you like and act standoffish, she’s not going to [i]know[/i] that you like her unless she’s got ESP! Then it sounds like you did ask her on a date — after playing it pretty cool. This can be construed as a mixed message by her. Then, in the same sentence you wrote about asking her out, it appears you friend-zoned yourself! 😯 Again, more mixed messages. If you were interested in dating her, it doesn’t sound like it came across clearly. And if you just wanted to be her friend, that didn’t come across clearly because you asked her out. When she told you she was seeing someone else, that may have been the truth, or an excuse to let you down easily. Regardless, rejection is part of dating and it’s not something you should spend a lot of time focusing on or be afraid of in any way that paralyzes you. When you ask someone out, they may say no because you’re not their cup of tea, and that’s just the way the game goes…. it’s actually a gift in disguise because it lets you move on towards someone who does want to date you and not waste time on someone who doesn’t.

As for the future, what is clear — at least in what you’ve written to me — is that if you want her attention, you have to win it. 😉 This may be a new concept for you, depending on your age, and it’s a great tool to understand. Flirting draws women to you. It has to do with complimenting them, making them feel good about themselves in your presence, and getting to know them in a light-hearted way. Again, put yourself in her shoes, and then try to make yourself someone she wants to get to know. Relationships require an entry level before you get to dating, and that entry level is flirting, small talk and spending time together walking to and from class, being at the same social events at the same time, and doing things when you are that show her you’re interested in her. 😉

I hope this helps!

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[limper1]

Epic response. Thank you!

She’s early 20’s… I’m a few years older. I spent many years being out of it socially while keeping my head down and getting through some of my challenges. I’m quite sociable when I’m comfortable. I haven’t had many chances to put myself out there but it’s just a matter of different paths in life that we all take, and mines the long route.

Physical attraction is obviously an easy way to get a girls immediate attention. I think she was cute (she is). Way back I wasn’t confident about playing that card because I was completely overweight. I was 190lbs and very weak. Four months later I’m now 150ish and progressing – it’s a testament to my potential and drive to find a way with my neuropathy.

When we hung out and did the casual coffee thing, etc, I felt insecure, incapable and unattractive. I always kinda felt she was trying to be nice. She did touch on being lonely but I failed to bite. After stalling, I naively asked her to dinner. I meant it in a more innocent fashion to avoid walking around and stuff.

I think I know the guy she “was seeing.” One of this exuberant blowhards that is 125lbs, posts videos grunting and moaning while lifting 10lb weights, flirty with every girl. Probably gave her the attention she wanted even though he started dating someone else. (I’m joking somewhat, but I’m thinking she’s very impressionable)

It was like 7 months ago when I was in regular communication. Unfortunately on the social networking thing as she’s one of those girls that live life on it. I sent her a friendly note asking how she was over the summer just to check in. Didn’t hear back for a while and I deleted my account because I grew tired of the f/b thing in general. I’m thinking that when she got around to ‘seeing’ it, she thought I cut her off personally?

I was never standoffish. I always kind and showed in interest in her. Perhaps a little modulation of the throttle at times, but never on the brakes.

It just bugs me how she was a couple days ago. Maybe she’s not interested, but the cold shoulder, shut out approach seems [b]awfully personal[/b]. That or she’s just too immature or shy to say ‘no.’

I sent a note letting her know I was sorry I missed her after her class (not noting that I waited like a puppy), thought it was nice seeing her around periodically, I liked what I thought she was about and that superficiality is not my thing (double meaning snipe-ish… ah). I kinda hope she gets it, thinks about it. Maybe I just want the last word.

In the back of my mind, I hoped she’d see me in a different light. I know we have a lot in common but I think it’s convenient for her to keep her eyes closed. I’m moving on. Continuing to better myself as I now know I can. Maybe I’ll see her around campus when next semester starts in a couple months.

[AskApril Masini]

I’m glad that the advice helped. 😀 Thank you for your kind words.

Your second post was a lot more open, but it appears you’re doing a lot of focusing on negativity and less on things in life that will move you forward in a productive way. When you described the guy she’s dating, you should consider what it is that drew her to him, and figure out how you can take a lesson from that in a positive way, rather than a negative one. When you send her a note, instead of talking about what is superficial and what isn’t, consider focusing more on flirting with her, complimenting her, and simply making her feel good about herself in your presence.

It’s great that you lost 40 pounds! And you’ve got some great qualities — I can tell from your post — but you have to practice not denigrating anyone or anything. Usually when people do that it’s because they’re insecure, and insecurity is not a turn on. In fact, it’s a turn off. Balance your work on your inner self, your outer self, and letting go of negative talk and behavior so that you, and everyone you touch in your life, has the benefit of your best, positive self. It will attract those types of people to you and enhance your life, while you enhance theirs. 😉

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[limper1]

Hello,

Yes thank you! It’s nice to get it down with some perspective in return, as silly the situation is.

After a bit of reflecting… I was always nice and complimentary to her without being over the top. She looks stunning (in a cute way) but that isn’t what caught my attention. When I maybe had her attention or interest, I lacked confidence. I was too apologetic for my actions, asking her out etc. Oh, yeah, when she turned me down, before, in response I did say she was very endearing and that I’d wanted to be friends, if she wanted (as opposed to close-acquaintances). Maybe a little open, but in retrospect I don’t think there was anything wrong with that. She did cut me off after that though.

All in the past I guess. I do know she’s not seeing that guy or anyone (from a source) so that whole talking-to-another-guy-who-maybe-likes-you taboo can’t be there.

Moving on is right. Though I would like to get through to her if I could, just as a friend as I do respect her, perhaps after a little time, without appearing I’m obsessing over it. At the same time, I have no intent in forcing myself upon anyone. I’d like to send an email sometime instead of a cryptic message, put it out there. I’m not talking a love letter or the like. [b]Do you think that’s fair?[/b]

I care too much. But I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I’m a little weird, but aren’t we all in some form or another?

Thank you!!

[AskApril Masini]

I actually do not think that you should try to befriend her. Men and women being friends never works. Moving on is the right thing to do. 😉

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[limper1]

[quote=”April Masini”]I actually do not think that you should try to befriend her. Men and women being friends never works. Moving on is the right thing to do. 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
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And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b][/quote]

Oh yes, I totally agree. I was thinking more along the lines of directly showing a genuine interest without any frustrated, selfish undertones.

Thank you!

[AskApril Masini]

You’re very welcome. 😀

[Member]

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