[Southernbred88]

I met this girl about a year ago and we connected instantly. She is the sexiest, coolest girl I have ever met. The first time we kissed we were both so excited. We continued seeing each other and talking for many months and got to know each other very well. I’ve told her things I’ve never told anyone. We became very obsessed with each other. She tells me things like no guy can compare to me, i am very special to her, i make her so happy.

Finally after about half a year of seeing each other, one night she comes over and makes love to me. It was amazing and so much fun. Laughing and really getting to know each other intimately. It was the first time I’ve ever had sex. We made love for the next three days spending all day and night together. It’s the happiest I’ve ever been and the most fun ive ever had. I’ve fallen very in love with this girl.

The next time we hangout she has friends over and acts like there is nothing between us, almost ignoring me a bit, and makes sure everybody thinks I am just a friend. It’s really weird and awkward. When I leave I give her a hug and kiss and she says I just embarassed her. I get home and she texts me saying “I don’t want a boyfriend.” I am very confused and heart broken. why did she do that with me if she didn’t want to be with me? why is she suddenly so cold? We occasionally talk and hangout but she acts like nothing ever happened and doesnt get so excited by me anymore. I tell her I want to stop seeing her and she objects saying she wants to be friends with me and randomly still texts me. I am so confused and I cry every day. It seemed like things were going so well between us. I love her so much. I don’t understand at all and I don’t know what to do. I’m feeling very emotional right now.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both?

[Southernbred88]

I’m 25 and she’s a couple years younger than me

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for the age information. 🙂

I’m very sorry you’re sad and confused. It sounds like the two of you were more like friends — I don’t see that you were dating, and you used the term “seeing each other” so I’m going to guess that you weren’t dating. And then there was sex a year and a half into the “friendship”. And that made you think that there was more going on than there actually was. 🙁 Now, she’s moved on and isn’t interested in romance with you, and you’re very disappointed and confused. Hope I got that right. 😉

Here’s what I can help you with. First of all, men and women can’t be friends because one person always wants more than the other at some point. Many times people “slide” into these relationships to avoid the rejection that might come if they attempt real dating — but while that may help you avoid short term disappointment, in the long term, it’s usually complicated and even more disappointing than a possible rejection up front. 😳 So, while you may have tried to leverage the friendship into something more, she didn’t hold it in as high esteem as you did. There may have been a sexual attraction, but once that was consummated, it disappeared for her.

The other thing I can help you with is understanding rejection. If you look at rejection from a different angle, you’ll see that it’s a gift. It sets you back in the right direction. If you use rejection as a sign that this person isn’t interested in you, and you should find someone who is, it will save you time and heartache. Yes, it stings, but if you accept that in life, you’re not going to be everyone’s Mr. Right, and not everyone is going to be your Ms. Right, you’ll accept that rejection is part of life, and part of dating.

I hope that takes care of your confusion. As for being sad, the best thing you can do to get over that is move on and start living your life positively, and healthfully. I think you should cut off communication with her, since you’re not dating, and men and women can’t be friends. There’s no shortcut around the sting of rejection, but you can help yourself by not dwelling on it, and instead, processing what happened, understanding relationships more than you did before the rejection, and moving on to find your Ms. Right. 😀

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[Southernbred88]

You put it pretty bluntly but I probably need to hear it like that. I really wish she hadn’t had sex with me if nothing was gonna happen between us an it meant nothing to her. It’s really messed up my head cuz I don’t understand. I had to live in a mental health facility for a while cuz I lost my mind and went crazy. I’m trying hard to focus on my life and move on ahead but I can’t get her outta my mind. I think about her at all times and I wish it would stop. I don’t know why I have such strong feelings for her, I wish I didn’t. Antidepressants help a little but I still find myself thinking about it and crying randomly. Sometimes I don’t think there is a ms. Right for me out there. Thanks for taking the time to read what I said and replying. It helps to hear outside opinions

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The trick for you is to take responsibility for your own behavior and not hold others responsible for what you do. For instance, your decision to have sex with her was your decision, your responsibility — for better or for worse. You talk about wishing she hadn’t had sex with you, but you left yourself out of the equation. 😉 When you enter into a relationship with someone — whether it’s a friendship, a friends with benefits dynamic, or a dating situation — you take a risk that things may not work out. That’s life. 🙂 There’s no insurance you can buy for failed relationships, short or long term. Failure and rejection are part of life.

But that’s also the secret to getting past your sadness. You have to change your behavior. Get out of the house and out of the groove or rut you’re in. Do things differently — by frequenting a different coffee shop, a different walk to school or work, a different group of friends, etc. Say hello and smile at 20 new people a day, and engage in small talk with them. Simply doing this alone will change your life, in a positive way. 😀

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[Southernbred88]

Well despite your advice I continued staying in contact with her for a while and even stopping by to see her at the restaurant she works at. But it was bumming me out way too much and I finally decided to make a change while talking to her one day. She said some things that really made me mad and I told her we need to stop talking to each other. She was very angry at me for saying that and asking me why I would ditch her as a “friend” just because she wouldn’t date me. I can only guess that she wanted to stay in contact with me because of how nice and complimentive I am to her. But I couldn’t take feeling heart broken anymore. I deleted her number from my phone and I unfriended her from my Facebook to make sure I’ll never be tempted to contact her again. I have been very sad about it for the past week. But, the longer I go not talking to her the more my infatuation with her starts to disappear. And I’ve started remembering all the messed up, mean things she occasionally has done or said to me, that really would hurt my feelings, that I would let slide because I liked her so much. Such as picking me up on a cold snowy winter night to go to a party with her and then making me walk home in the cold. I’ve started recalling all the bad advice she always seems to be giving me like trying to convince me to stop taking my anti-depression medicine and avoid doctors who are actually helping me. The longer I’ve gone without contact with that girl the more I realize how terribly she treated me with no respect and what a bad influence she’s been to me. I’m starting to feel very glad she is not in my life anymore and I realize that I deserve to be treated better than that. I shouldn’t let a girl treat me badly just because I think she’s pretty or cool. In fact being single is really not all that bad. Haha I’ve been hanging out with my friends again more and I feel in a much better mood lately I think. I’m not sure why I felt like I needed her in my life or why I was so scared to break contact with her. Next time I meet a girl I like I think this experience will have taught me some things to keep in mind. Thanks again.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sounds like you’re doing some very productive processing of what happened and why. 🙂 I think this work you’re doing is going to serve you in your next relationship. Take what you learn and do better next time. 😉

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