[eguy2012]

Hello April,

Details:
R-Ship length: 3.5-4 years
Me: Male, mid twenties
Her: Female, mid twenties

Details: Over the years I slowly stopped being myself. My girl friend kept trying to tell me this but I was just blind to her concerns. I was constantly grumpy, anti-social due to high anxiety and suffered from constant headaches. About one month ago she decided to move out from living with me.

I was a daily smoker of marijuana (every day, multiple times daily) and it didn’t interfere with my college education and goals so I thought it wasn’t a problem. However, I didn’t realize until I quit (40-45 days ago from today) that it was the cause of my high anxiety and constant headache/migraines. I have been feeling fantastic and back to my old self after quitting. I do not even desire to smoke again since I have realized the negative side effects it personally caused me.

My ex girlfriend acknowledges that this was most likely the root of my problem. However, she is still very hurt and betrayed by my actions.

Some of the major reasons as to why we broke up are because I didn’t meet her family when they travelled here to the US. I didn’t make an effort to meet them because I had such high anxiety and did not feel good at all. I also declined to attend an out of state wedding with her because of the same issues. Understandably she felt betrayed by this and felt like she wasted her time in this relationship because after all of the time we spent together I didn’t meet her family/friends.

Here is a messages she sent to one of my friends who asked her about us (I didn’t know my friend contacted her about this, I shared with him that we broke up but I didn’t expect him to try to help by contacting her)

[quote]
Because he failed to meet with my family while they were here in the us on
vacation. After 3 1/2 years, He did not have the balls to hang out with my
family or any of my friends…. so… since the relationship was not serious for
him.. i decided to stop wasting my time

I acknowledge his feelings but still does not change anything. I gave him 3
1/2 years and he did not appreciated me. I am tired. I dont want to be in a
relationship anymore. I am happier being single. I wont get involved in this
kind of mess in a LONG TIME. I know he is very special but i cannot take it
anymore. I am very sorry too.

It took me a long time to figure this out. Trust me, I had all the hopes this
story was going to have a happy ending. He called his shots, now it is time to
call mine. All of these heartfelt apologies, flowers, and eurekas came a little
too late. I am left wondering how come, despite all my bitching, they did not
come any sooner…

I do not want to think that I wasted these past years. I am trying to accept
that it was all part of the learning process. He is very dear to me, and he will
always be. But at this point of my life I am spent.Thank you for trying to help.
I appreciate it.
[/quote]

Right after she officially broke up with me 1 week ago I told her everything, about the smoking being the root of my problem and how I understand how that must sound realizing this so late. I informed her how much I care about her and how I want to do nothing but make things right.

I have been showing her my real self and asked to see her, asked to attend a family event of hers for thanksgiving and other things that I wouldn’t have normally done while under my anxiety. She kept denying my attempts.

Understandably she is very hurt and defensive. I asked her the following question:

[quote]“If you are very certain now and dont feel you need to think about if you do not wish to see me again then just tell me and I will leave you alone — I just want you to be the happiest you can be.

If you are unsure though, I will give you all the time and space you want and not bug you.”[/quote]

She told me that she wasn’t sure if she wanted to see me again, wanting time to think.

We have both communicated and made it clear that we are not interested or going to see other people during this time.

I am very certain that she is being honest with me and is not seeing anyone else during this time.

I informed her yesterday after talking with her to go have some fun this thanksgiving week and to contact me when she got back. I told her that during this time I will not bug her while she thinks about our future.

I broke my no-contact with her a couple hours ago (she is at work) and told her the following:

[quote]“I wanted to tell you that me not contacting you isn’t because I don’t care, its just what I think you want/need. Not sure if I am wrong.”[/quote]

to which she responded,

[quote]“You are right. I know that is why you are not contacting me. It is hard, I know. I am sorry. It hurts to know that you are sad. I could not be unhappy anymore. I miss you. I won’t lie.. but I just could not take it anymore”[/quote]

to which I responded

[quote]“Yes, I understand, you must’ve felt so hopeless for so long and I realize why you are alarmed by my late discovery & change, I am too. Alright, was just making sure you knew my intentions.”[/quote]

She hasn’t responded back but may just be busy at work to have responded yet.

I only broke my no-contact promise with her because I wasn’t sure if I made my intentions clear and I didn’t want her to feel hurt/confused.

I am not sure what to think now. I personally do not know why she would want to think about the situation unless she felt like she would want to give me another chance to prove myself.

I think that if she wasn’t interested in giving me a chance she would’ve just told me that she didn’t want to think about it and to just move on.

I care about her very much and I am very sure that the cause of my problems was my heavy drug use. I want nothing more than to make things right but I am unsure what to think or do from here.

I am trying to be very logical and mature about this. I graciously accept any advice or outlooks on my situation.

Thank you so much April for your time and all of the help you offer to everyone here, looking forward to any insight you have to offer me.

*UPDATE* She gave me a call this morning to see how I was. I just acted like myself and told her about me re-connecting with some of my old buddies I lost touch with over the years due to my anxiety. Kept it light hearted and let her know about some of my plans I have for this week when the conversation led there. She said that was cool and informed me she is going to hang out with her aunt/family on tuesday-thursday. I told her that was good and hoped she had a good time. I then ended the conversation as we are both about to get some sleep. Overall it seemed to go well.

I am guessing she was just trying to feel me out and see how I would respond? Not sure, either way it was great to hear from her and even better to hear her not being so guarded/defensive anymore.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you know what to expect and what to do, but it’s uncomfortable for you. 😳 And that’s understandable, but there’s no shortcut around it. She broke up with you after investing three and a half years, and not seeing your commitment to the relationship. Although you’ve made some changes, it’s going to be hard for her to trust them, since she’s known you very well not to make them while you were in the relationship, and only when you were out of it. Earning back trust after that kind of long term relationship, where the reason for the break up is clear, is going to be hard to do.

My advice is to understand that she’s trying to live her own life right now, and while you can try and win her over by asking her out on a date after the holidays, she may not be ready, and in that case, you’ll have to decide how much you want to invest in terms of the balance of waiting and moving on. My advice is that if she’s not interested in dating you again, you move on and learn from your mistakes. That’s the best all of us can do. 😉

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[eguy2012]

Thank you for the advice April — I agree with you and feel a bit more enlightened now.

How should I interpret her calling me up like she did this morning? Do you think it would be best to continue with adhering to my end of the no contact until she expresses she wants to see me / requests me to start contacting her?

[eguy2012]

Just an update — and probably my last now that I think about it. :/

Today we met up and hung out, chatted some, laughed and flirted a bit. We discussed how we felt about each other a bit as well — seemed to go good. I have been acting like my normal self and being happy like I used to be. I honestly feel bad about the situation though because it was my problem that caused this. I could still tell she was hurt too and she told me she has being feeling blue. Despite this I kept up my cheerful demeanor during our meeting. As we were about to part ways she gave me a long hug, felt like it was a bit more than a “just friends” embrace but maybe I am being optimistic.

Afterwards while I was heading home I was feeling bummed by the situation. I am not sure if it was a good idea to send her this message or not — it is my honest feelings about the ordeal though:

“I’m not really that happy, I am confused. Part of me wants to sever contact for good and leave you for good because you don’t deserve the pain of having to wonder if I am going to hurt you again after how I abused and disrespected you. The only thing giving me the will to not walk away is because I know that isn’t who I am when I’m not drugged up like I was back then.”

The above words have been on my mind for a bit over a month. I try to look at this from her perspective and it must seem like I am just trying to put on my good shoes so I can get back in the door. I feel bad for hurting her especially because of it took so long to realize what was giving me the constant anxiety, extremely bad sinus headaches almost every other day and the sour mood I would be in when coming down.

After I sent that message I decided I should probably just delete her from my phone and such so I wouldn’t make anything worse.

Did I make a poor choice by sending that message — especially if I am hoping to get back together with her?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s sent, so don’t focus on it, but for future, limit your contact with her to positive, healthy upbeat parts of your life, and if you don’t have any, it’s probably not a good time to reconnect. 😉

[eguy2012]

Thanks again for the help! Seems like it might just be time for me to approach this from a neutral stand point, no idea what to expect anymore.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Wanting to know what to expect and what to do to effect a certain outcome are control issues. 😳 And anyone who’s gone through a break up has a desire to control the pain, but the reality is that with relationships, that’s sometimes impossible. Focus on your own life and your own health for now. 😉

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