[buckeye72]

Hi April!

I really appreciate the work you do and wanted to say thanks before asking my question/gaining you insight.

So, I have been with my girlfriend for about 4 months now. A short time, but we have been flirting on/off for about 3 years now and have been inseparable since we’ve met. It was just bad timing as she or I had someone else in our lives, but we always expressed to each other how we felt and kept it secret. It was so hard, but our chance to finally be together came.

It’s been amazing. It’s like being together with someone you’ve been destined to be with, knowing so much about one another, and fitting like the perfect puzzle piece. However, there is some difficulty to it as well. We feel like we’ve had 3 years of pent up feelings for one another and it’s hard to not let them all come out too soon. In the past 3 months, we talked about our future wedding, what we’d name our kids, etc etc. I almost had her move in.

So, in the last few weeks, she has expressed she knows why things are moving too fast but regardless – they are. I agreed and put off talk about moving in together. We still see each other 3/4 times a week (we work at the same company, but I am not counting that). We are intimate, exchange I love you’s, and she enjoys spending time with my daughter (7 yrs). I feel like we need to just work on acting like this is new rather than trying to make up for lost time and catch up too quickly.

Anyway, my concern was about this week. She has been distant over the last week or so. She cancelled a planned vacation due to a move into a different place and too many work conventions. It was too much for one month and I understood. However, she wanted to return a gift I gave her saying it was too expensive. The two things started to worry me, but then she had me come to dinner with her family and spend time with them on mother’s day which she loved having me there.

This week, she said she wanted to stay at home and have some ‘me’ time instead of going to do holiday activities. She has been down lately with her fitness, stressed about work, and unorganized with her move. She said she feels lately like she’s lost herself since we started dating and has become depressed with how her clothes fit and the neglect she has shown herself in her fitness routine (she’s very fitness oriented). She says she’s been quietly depressed about she’s let herself go, doesn’t recognize herself, and wants time to fix it. She asks just for some time alone to do so and had been afraid to tell me because she knew I’d be disappointed that she wasn’t happy with herself.

Naturally, I agreed and said take all the time she needed and I am here for her when she’s back on track. She was very happy with that as I told her her happiness is the most important thing to me. My question is; should I be paranoid there is something else to this (i know there is not another guy as she texts me all the time, lives very close, and I know where she is)? Is there something I am missing? Should I become less available in case I was smothering her (although our time has always been mutually decided)? I don’t want to start playing a game here, but I may want to try and spark things up.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You should not be paranoid — but you should be realistic. When you’ve known someone for three years, and then start dating, it’s easy to mistake familiarity for compatibility. Many times, people who know each other for as long as you two have, before dating, let each other fly under the radar that you’d normally use to edit out people and their qualities that are not right for you. It sounds like the two of you moved too fast, too soon — and now, she’s correcting for that speed by pulling back and regrouping.

The best thing you can do is to recognize that the two of you moved too quickly, and then to recalibrate your speed. Use the first three months of dating to get to know each other and decide if you want to continue dating. Use the next three months to see if you want to become monogamous. Definitely do not ask her to move in with you — especially because you’re a single parent. You have to put your daughter’s best interests ahead of your own love life right now. Acting impetuously, even though you know this woman for three years, is not in your child’s best interests. You have to be a lot more careful this time, simply because of your child. This woman has given you a big flashing yellow light on the relationship. Pay attention to it, if only because your daughter is going to be involved in any failed relationships that involve your living space. 😉

For now, I think you should date her. Invite her to dinner. Invite her to movies. Invite her to do things. I know you said that your time together was mutually decided, but that’s not serving you. You have to try to win her over, and allow her to say no — by asking if she’d like to see you. This will give her the opportunity to have the time she needs to prevent her feeling smothered, or the time she’s referring to as “me” time — and it will give you a clearer picture of where you stand with her in the romance.

I hope that helps!

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[Lune David]

Reading this felt like watching a rom-com where the couple hits fast-forward and then wonders why the movie suddenly starts buffering.

Honestly, I feel you — I’ve been in the exact same situation, where everything feels “meant to be,” but the pace turns into a whole relationship sprint marathon. And when someone finally says “I need space,” your brain goes straight into panic mode even when nothing is actually wrong.

But I gotta AskApril… why do relationships go from planning weddings to “I need me-time” faster than Christmas lights burning out on New Year’s Eve?

Still, her pulling back isn’t shady it’s a yellow light, not a red one. Give her space, keep dating her slowly, and let her breathe. If it’s real, it won’t disappear just because you stopped sprinting.

Real talk: sometimes loving someone means slowing down, not holding tighter. And like April said — when you’re a dad, your pace isn’t just yours anymore.

Stay calm, stay cool, and don’t let overthinking ruin what might still be a great thing.

[Member]

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