[Anonymous]

Hi,

I need some advice on this girl I’m seeing. We are both freshmen in college and up until a week ago, we had been seeing each other for a little over a month. It started with her sending a friend to ask me to come and introduce myself, she’s a bit shy but had apparently been seeing me around campus and was interested. I came over and talked to her and she seemed really nice. What I’m trying to get at here is the fact that she came after me, and acted as a girl that was looking for more than just a good time.

We started seeing each other quite frequently and after about a week and a half I made my first move and we kissed. Since then we would occasionally make out when we spent time together, and always kiss goodbye afterward. Things were moving along nicely and felt great. At one point I asked her how she felt about things and she said she was happy and liked the pace at which we were going.

Thursday last week was the last time we hung out. It was just like any other evening in her dorm, we hung out for a while and kissed goodbye. Things felt just as good as always if not better. After this she started acting distant, not texting me back and just generally not giving me the same positive vibe. Last Sunday I confronted her and she told me that although she really likes me, she doesn’t feel ready to commit. Shocked as I was, I didn’t really know how to respond to it at that time. During the week things popped up that I wanted to ask her however, and today we met do talk about it.

I asked her what it was that had made her realize this so suddenly. She told me that it was really hard for her to tell me all that, but she had recently come out of a relationship and also it being her first year in college she didn’t feel like she was ready for an official commitment. She told me that over the thanksgiving break she had been discussing it with her mom and said that she still really wants me to meet her mom and potentially the rest of her family, also saying “If I didn’t really like you I wouldn’t talk about you with my parents the way I do”. I didn’t know she had just come out of a relationship so I guess that’s the main thing, along with her probably wanting to really feel free being new to college and all. She said she still wants us to be good friends and see each other frequently, something that I agreed to despite the fact that I feel it may be hard for me to do that.

What’s you general opinion on this? I’m thinking the fact that she is having this conversation with me is a sign that I am someone she could see herself committing too, which would be a good thing? If she likes me as much as she says, and I think she does, is there not a good chance that if we keep hanging out as “friends” she would give in to the connection we really have? What would be the best thing for me to do in terms of getting things back to where they were? Christmas break is coming up and we are both going back home, how should I deal with that factor?

[Ask April Masini]

I get a lot of posts from college students in the same situation that you are. They meet someone at college, only to find out after a few months that that person wants freedom to explore the “college experience”. The reason I’m telling you this is so you understand that this isn’t a personal rejection. It has to do with where she is in her life — emotionally and physically!

That said, you should always listen to words, but pay closer attention to behavior. What she tells you about how much she likes you is trumped by her behavior of not dating any more. So don’t hold onto words that are negated by behavior.

That said, it sounds like she may be someone who you can be friends with (if you have the stomach for befriending an ex!) so that if she realizes her freedom may not be all it’s cracked up to be, you’ll be able to make a move.

I hope that helps. Let me know how you do and what happens! And follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter, and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[Anonymous]

Dear April,

Thanks for your prompt response.

You talk about the fact that behavior means more than what she is telling me. What would it mean if she at this point introduces me to her family, as she has been saying she wants to? Would that not be a behavior showing that she really does like me as more than just a friend?

What gets me about this girl is that if she knew from the start that she wasn’t ready to commit, as she likely must have, why would she let it go as far as she did? She says she is completely honest with me in telling me that nothing was wrong with the pace we were moving at, and how I was behaving. I just don’t really understand why suddenly this would appear as an issue.

I wonder if maybe I shouldn’t have confronted her, and instead just given her space over christmas. Maybe then things would be back to normal. I realize im just throwing stuff out there right now that may or may not make any sense to you, I guess I’m just looking for someone to tell me that things may actually get back to where they were. Honestly though, will they?

[Ask April Masini]

She [i]didn’t[/i] introduce you to her parents. That lack of behavior is what I’m talking about. What she says is one thing, but what she does is more important. Behavior trumps language.

It also sounds like you only dated for a month — so it’s not fair for you to blame her for not being into you after a month’s time. It sounds like she got to know you during the month you dated, and decided this wasn’t a relationship she was interested in pursuing. Frankly, she did you a favor by not leading you on and making you think there was more there than she felt. I know you’re hurt, but dating is about getting to know someone and deciding during the process if this is someone you want to continue seeing. A month of dating doesn’t usually lead to an automatic commitment.

Your instinct about your confrontation before the holidays is correct. You came on too strong by forcing the issue. The result was she played her hand, as she held it in that moment. If you’d continued pursuing her without any relationship pressure, she might still be here — on the other hand, you sound like someone who wants to know where they stand and if you don’t like where you think you stand, you want answers. If you can’t loosen up a little and let relationships take their course, then you’ll probably waste less time than other people, but suffer more rejections. That said, I ALWAYS advise readers that rejection can be your friend — not your foe. It saves everyone time by not walking down a path that will lead no where. The best ball players in the major leagues strike out A LOT more often than they hit a grand slam, but when they do connect with the ball….that’s all it takes to make a career. Same goes for dating.

Read my book for men who want tips and advice in dating. I think you’ll like it and get a lot out of it. It’s called Date Out of Your League, and you can download it for only $14.95, here: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url]. Let me know what you think after you read it.

See you on Facebook: [url][/url] and you can follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter.

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