[Toni-Jessica]

Dear April and everyone else reading,

I met this man a few months ago, we hit it off great and had amazing chemistry. We are 27 and 28 years old. Our only problem at the time was he lives 8 hours away, which to me is not a problem. I am almost finished my nursing degree and was planning on moving to where he is from before I met him as my best friend lives there. So we started seeing each other talking everyday really getting to know each other. He had this female friend who lives in his apartment complex that he spent new years with (no big deal to me at the time he is a nurse and has lot of female friends).

A few weeks into seeing each other he called it off. I was so surprised everything was going great. I had plans of visiting the following week. My best friend lives where he does and I was surprising her for her birthday anyways so I went but not to see him. He and my best friend are also friends they work together. So while out for her birthday he kept texting me and her as he wanted to see me. She asked how I felt about this I said I did not mind (short version). We ended up seeing each other and the chemistry was still there and he wanted to talk.

He explained to me that he called it off as he received a call from one of his female friends that basically was a friends with benefits (who wanted more and he did not) and she told him she was pregnant. He was devastated. He does not want kids right not especially with someone he does not love or want to be with. He said they had decided she would get an abortion and he did not want to bring me into this messy situation and he had not told anyone and was not sure why he was telling me.

I told him that this was a personal issue to him and if they are not keeping the baby it really dose not affect me and I would be there for support for him. I also did not ask any questions about this woman and they were not going to be tied to one another. We again started seeing each other and I have developed strong feelings for him. The next time I went to visit we decided to enter into a relationship with one another.

The problem we are experiencing now is that the woman has decided she is going to keep the baby. He is not happy about this and told her that she has ruined his life. A part of my wanted to be selfish and have the situation stay like this but this is not the baby’s fault. So I told him I think he is wrong for saying that to her and it is her choice. I also told him if he is the type of guy I think he is he will do the right thing. He thought it over and agreed with me. So he smoothed the situation over with her and told her he would be there for the baby and anything she may need but he does not want to have a relationship. They both agreed that they would co-parent but that is all. Their relationship has gotten a lot better, which I happy about for the baby.

I went to visit a few weeks later and his mom was visiting at the same time and he wanted me to meet her so I did. The only problem was he happened to tell his mom about the girl who is pregnant and she met her privately on the same day (a little awkward for me knowing she left to do this but obviously it was needed as she will be in this family forever). He told his mom that he was in love with me and is so happy. He wants to be with me and feels selfish for bring me into this situation.

When I went home he told me that he had one more thing to tell me and that was the girl who is pregnant is the friend that lived in the same apartment complex as him. He stated he was not sure if I was going to stay with him through this situation and I never asked questions about her. So he did not want to mention it if it was not necessary. He also told me that the night he found out she was pregnant they were both upset very emotional but made the decision not to keep the baby and they had sexual relations that evening. He said that he though he need to be there to comfort her and it happened. He said it was the last time and since we had been together nothing has happened but he wanted me to know the whole truth. He told me that if we do stay together that I could meet this woman.

He told me he is willing to do whatever it takes to make our relationship work and he said he it kills him that he is in this situation and finally met a woman who has all the qualities he has been looking for with the chemistry.

I guess I am not sure if I should continue in this relationship with him as I am not naive. I know him having a baby things for him will change greatly. I am having a hard time deciding because I have developed strong feelings for him and he has been honest about the situation. I know most people would just walk away am I being naive to think this could possibly work?

Can you please give me some advice on what to do. Maybe someone will have a different view that I have not looked at.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’ve been dating a guy for a few months, and he’s having a baby with a woman he says he has a friends with benefits relationship with, but will not, in the future. The good news is that this is all out in the open. The more challenging fact is that you’ve only been dating a few months, and whether or not he’s going to be a father, you haven’t known him long enough to decide if he’s someone you want a commitment with. The other fact you have to consider is that when the baby is born, his feelings may change and he may want to try to make a family with the mother. Even if it doesn’t work, he may decide to give it a try. I know he’s said he doesn’t want children, and if he did, he certainly didn’t want a child as a surprise, like this one is, but the reality is that sometimes people change their minds.

My advice is to continue getting to know him, but tread with caution. I know you have feelings for him, but you have to be practical, too. He’s got an encumbrance that is an unknown — his feelings may change when his child is born. It sounds like this friend with benefits isn’t a bad person, and if there’s something between them, AND a child, they may try to make a go of it for the child’s sake. You can date him, but still play the field and keep your options open.

I hope that helps.

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