[Jonathan123]

I have been dating a woman (call her Alice) for almost a year now. Alice is 32 and I am 44. Alice moved in with me about 5 months ago. For the most part, we are happy and get along. But Alice has had a rough life since birth regarding family connections. She was adopted, and is convinced her biological parents didn’t want her. It isn’t that they had no money or environment to raise her. She thinks they flat out didn’t want her. Her adoptive parents had a bad marriage. For the most part, there was no expression of love or consideration between the parents or for Alice. Alice has an adoptive sister (call her Zelda) who is a bit older than her. They never got along, and Zelda pretty much hates Alice. And Zelda has her own personal problems. Alice has had maybe five boyfriends since high school, all ending within months or years. She married around 30, and divorced recently (has been separated for a while). Her ex-husband started ignoring her right after the honeymoon, and they lived pretty much as roommates until she moved out, into my place. Although I show her plenty of love and consideration, Alice has a tendency to ask many intimate questions about the few ex-girlfriends I’ve had. She seems to want to compare herself to them in different ways, needing to know she is better. She sometimes has a time accepting I have a few friends that are female (I rarely see them), and tries to control who I can and can’t spend time with. She made me get rid of any digital pictures I had of past girlfriends (as far back as high school), and even some of girls I hadn’t dated. I am limited to use the word “pretty” if describing a good-looking woman, never to use “beautiful”, “attractive” or similar adjectives. Lastly, she thinks I have no business looking at women in bikinis, underwear, or sex scenes in movies or on TV. She says I should avert my eyes because I should only want to look at her.

I am a pretty normal guy. I would never stare or gauk at an attractive woman, but I like to look for a moment. I don’t pry into her past or compare myself to any of her past relationships, respecting her privacy. Although I trust her implicitly, she has looked through my things and on my computer at just about everything. The arguments we have revolve around her sensitive emotional state regarding women, my past, and “people ganging up on her”. It is clear to me she has been deeply affected by her past although she won’t admit she has a problem.

I love Alice, but so far since we’ve been with each other, I’ve tried to break up seven or so times due to issues relating to her paranoia about women or my ideas about men-women relationships. Each time, we end up resolving, for the moment, the argument until the next time. But she freaks out each time, lashing out by yelling and cutting me off mid-sentence for any responses I can give. She is frantic during these arguments and I ask myself whether this is something I can help her defeat or if I should end it once and for all. If she won’t admit she has these issues, I can’t help. And to break up would devastate her. I guess I have hope that something can be done and so stay for the (mainly) good times and endure the bad ones.
I need advice on how I can deal with this problem. I certainly can’t live with it the rest of my life.

Should I stay or should I go?

[Ask April Masini]

I know you think she’s the one with the problem, but if you’ve tried to break up with her seven times in a year, at your age of 44, and you can’t 😯 — I think you’re the one who has the problem, and that’s what you need to focus on.

Clearly, even you can see that her self esteem is so low that she is jealous of everyone and everything female, and your seven break up attempts clearly show that you’ve seen how bad her ability to be in a relationship with a man is.

But the real question, why can’t you break up? What is it about you that thinks you don’t deserve better? 😮 You have to be very firm with yourself about what is right for YOU and then execute your plan. You’re never going to be happy with her for very long, and you need to break up. So just do it. Stick to what’s right for you; put the focus on you; and when you’ve broken up with her, read my book Date Out of Your League for men who are looking for Ms. Right and want to get her. The woman you have is not Ms. Right. But you deserve to find someone who is. Here’s the link to the book: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url].

And join me on Facebook. That link is here: [url][/url]. 🙂

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