[jleah670]

For the past year or so things have been very tough in my personal life. I have had to deal with a chronic illness, and during this i felt my husband wasn’t very supportive. I constantly told my husband how i felt and he kept saying that he was being supportive, and eventually i just stopped sharing my concerns/worries with him and started getting on with things myself. As all this was going on i started to resent him and started feeling very disconnected from him. He also travels a lot, so i felt the distance just pushed more of a void between us.

I have also been feeling very unfulfilled in my life. We moved to a new area and i have no friends and no one to really meet up with or talk to. I have been keeping all of my feeling suppressed and it has been really eating away at me. My husband and i got married pretty young and i have started to feel like i made a mistake marrying him so young. I think i have matured and changed a lot as a person since we got married, and i feel like i have missed out, i am still only in my late 20’s. Now i look back on my life i don’t think i have ever had really good sex either. My husband and i do have sex but i feel very disconnected.

One day i was feeling pretty lonely and down and i had a suggestion of people i may know on Facebook, one being this particular male i used to be friends with and had a major thing for back in the day. It has been many years since we last spoke, so i sent him a request. We started talking for a few weeks and i opened up and told him things in my marriage haven’t been that great. He started flirting a lot and being pretty suggestive. At first i told him to stop, but then i caved.

We talked for about a week about meeting up to have an NSA type thing, but then the feelings i had for him before started to come back. I have never done a no strings attached thing with any man i have not been in a relationship with, and i though a little fling is what i needed to fill the void i feel in me. I told my male friend that i was considering ending the marriage because i have tried for months to fix things, but i feel the feelings i had for him are gone. He said as long as i was mentally disconnected from my husband that was fine with him.

After a few days i started to feel like i couldn’t actually go through with meeting up with this male friend and having sex, although i would be lying if i said the thought of meeting up with him to just see him didn’t seem very tempting to me, but the sex part started to feel very wrong, regardless of the fact that due to my attraction to him it did seem appealing in a way. The male friend also started to reply less and less, and then eventually said he didn’t want to sleep around and it is awkward being i am married, and he didn’t want to go through with it anymore. He said he found me very attractive, but had no romantic feelings for me, but he didn’t want us to stop talking and really cares about our friendship, and would text me later seems he was at work.

He never text me, and after 5 days i told him that i really cared about our friendship also, and felt that what we had talked about had changed things, and i was just in a vulnerable state being in a marriage that is on. He never replied. After trying to reach out a few times and being upright ignored, i removed him off Facebook. I later regretted doing so and re-added him. Pathetic i know, and of course he ignored the request.

I told this whole story as i desperately need some support, and i don’t have many people to talk to about this.

1) Do you think i should tell my husband that i talked to this guy and both of us were being very suggestive towards each other? We talked about things we wanted to do sexually with each other, and although we never met and did these things, i still feel very guilty regardless of feeling i fell out of love with my husband. I constantly fantasize daily about sex with this male friend i had. I think it is all fantasy though as earlier stated the thought of actually doing it although appealing felt very wrong to me. I thought this guy could offer me everything my husband has not been that i desire currently, as i feel very unloved and alone.

2) I have tried for a year now to work and change how i feel and fall back in love my husband, but i am not sure if a year is long enough to say i tried and walk away. Regardless of all my feelings, i don’t want to walk away and regret things, although my husband seems to have drastically changed also. He tells me he loves me and wants to work on things between us as they are obviously not how they used to be, but he constantly snaps at me for no reason, and is very rude to me when i ask him questions. He is away for work at the moment, and i called him to ask him what gifts i should get the family. His reply was “right now i just don’t give a ****.” I thought this was totally rude and unnecessary and said i was getting off the phone call. So all day yesterday he never called or text me, and he always calls me after work. I called him twice and text him asking what was wrong, and he never responded to me. He has also started becoming very strange when it comes to sexual encounters between us. He constantly asks me how he measures up compared to partners i have had in the past, and i am not sure why he has started asking questions like this.

The issues i think have been building up a while but just came out seems the illness coincided with more problems of me feeling neglected. His family do not treat me very nicely. His brother for whatever reason he has does not like me (We used to get on until he got with this one girl), and now him, and his gf blank me at family functions. I told my husband i feel very upset about this and awkward being around them, and he basically said he cannot do anything because it is his brother.

I don’t want him to cut off his family, but it hurts my feelings when people are rude to me and he doesn’t say a thing about it, and him not sticking up for me in situations is a very big issue for me. I have tried to discuss my issues with him, but he has basically told me he can’t do anything about them. It hurts me a lot that he just plays it off like it is nothing. This is a marriage and he doesn’t seem to want to make it work.

3) I feel completely foolish i ruined my friendship with my old male friend, and although this is not really a priority right now, i do blame myself. I am not sure why he stopped talking to me, but i just fee this whole situation is a mess.

I just don’t know what to do at all. I wonder if i will ever truly have happiness again, because right now i feel like i won’t. My lack of feelings for my husband have made me act in ways that i don’t feel are me at all. I have never cheated before in a relationship, it just isn’t me at all. I don’t know why i was even considering this my male friend, and i am really ashamed in my behaviour.

I know people are going to read this and think i am a horrible person, and to be honest i don’t blame you, but all i really need is some advice. I feel lost.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s very hard to be in a healthy relationship when you’re not doing well, personally, and it seems like your first priority has to be taking care of yourself. I’m not sure what your chronic illness is — if you feel comfortable revealing it, that might be interesting to know more about — but it sounds like you need more support than you’re getting. Because you’re not getting the support you need for that illness, I think you’re projecting your unhappiness about not receiving it, and blame for not receiving it, onto your husband and your marriage. That isn’t to say that you don’t have problems in the marriage, but your health is [i]your[/i] responsibility first and foremost, and if your husband isn’t supporting you the way you want, rather than be angry at him, accept his limits and look elsewhere for that support you want. It’s okay to be disappointed in him — that’s part of any relationship, and it goes both ways at different times, but it’s not so great to allow it to paralyze you. 😉

The other personal problems that you mention — feeling unfulfilled and lonely in your new town — are being swept under the rug, and I think that again, you’re projecting your disappointment about your life onto your husband and your marriage. If you can take responsibility for your own personal fulfillment and your own friendships and social life, I think you won’t feel so blue about your marriage. What are the things you’ve done, or want to do, or are willing to do to make your own personal unfulfilled feelings and loneliness different? It’s important to focus on these two problems, as well as the one that has to do with your health, and really tackle them and make headway towards betterment. 🙂

As for your marriage, if you write again, tell me how many years you have been married, as that may be interesting and helpful to know. It sounds like your husband is traveling a lot, and has lost his temper with you, as well his interest in your marriage. Instead of trying to reignite your marriage — whether it’s in the bedroom, in the romantic department, or simply with extended family and friends — you took a wrong turn by trying to engage with a man from the internet. My advice is to move your focus away from other men, and back onto your marriage — after you take care of yourself! 🙂 If you keep a tit for tat list and never break the cycle of blame and feeling victimized, things won’t get better, and you’ll keep looking for the door, only to repeat the cycle with other men in other relationships. Use this unhappiness you’re feeling as an opportunity to make changes in your life — and what better time to do so than the end of the year when people are mulling over resolutions. You talked about trying to change your [i]feelings[/i] for your husband, but you didn’t talk about changing your [i]behavior[/i]. 😉 Decide to conduct your own life and your relationship differently than you had. Make a list of things you will do differently, to elicit a different and better dynamic in your marriage! That’s a start — and remember that small, consistent changes can go a long way towards happiness 😉

I hope this helps.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Member]

Posts