[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I love each other very much. Soul mates, I dare say. However, this has not always been the case. When we started dating over a year and a half ago, it was no secret that he was also dating someone else. I accepted and understood this and was truly fine for awhile. Ultimately, he began to fall more and more in love with me, but was apparently not being truthful with her about our relationship. I didn’t find this out until after much drama and he didn’t finally break it off until this January, after living with her for 4 months due to financial hardship. I know this sounds complicated and maybe even not worth it to some, but he does love me and I accept the fact that he has secrecy, trust and cowardice issues and we’re working on that.

My major concern at the moment is knowing what I can reasonably expect now that they are no longer together. He has some artwork of hers and a hat and stuffed heart that she knitted for him. He has put these items on display in his room. Is it wrong for me to be upset over such trivial stuff? It wouldn’t be such a big deal if things hadn’t been so particularly messy regarding this other woman. I love him and respect his right to keep important items from his friends, so am I being immature here? I told him that I needed a year to get over this stuff and that during that year I wanted to be complete free of his ex in any form. I don’t understand how he could possibly think that decorating his room with HER stuff would be okay with me. I’m just so confused. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m not sure how old you both are, but whenever someone writes me that they’re confused, it’s usually a situation that isn’t confusing — just disappointing and hard to accept. And yours is no different.

There should be no confusion considering that your boyfriend hid you from his other girlfriend for quite some time and even lived with her while the two of you were still dating. You’re ignoring his character and instead confusing yourself by writing “he has secrecy trust and cowardice issues…” 😕 “…that we’re working on.” 😯 WE’RE working on?? You’ve basically said he’s a coward who keeps secrets and basically lies and you can’t trust him — but that WE’RE working on it — only I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop at any minute. 😳 What you’re doing is like putting a bag on your head and earplugs in your ears and then complaining about how confused you are that you can’t see or hear anything. He’s showed you his true colors and you’ve ignored them.

Now that he’s not dating her anymore, you’re concerned that he’s decorated his room with some of her things in spite of your telling him you need a year of no remnants of their relationship around. What you’re REALLY concerned about is that he’s not over her, and that he’s going to secretly date her or someone else — which seems to be his recent past history. You shouldn’t be upset over “trivial” stuff as you put it. You should be upset over his character which is shady.

When you write, “I don’t understand how he could possibly think that decorating his room with HER stuff would be okay with me,” you should really turn it around and say to yourself, “I don’t understand how he could possibly think that dating me secretly while he was living with her could possibly be okay with her — or me, for that matter!”

You’re not crazy, but you’re not treating yourself like someone who deserves Mr. Right. Until you take yourself seriously, no one else will. If you want a man who is gong to commit to you, choose one! This guy is not Mr. Right. If you continue dating him, expect more of the same. There’s no evidence he’s changed or wants to. When a guy is really into you, he’s going to act like he’s really into you. He won’t need you to ask him to keep an ex out his life — he’ll want to because he’ll want to put you first and foremost and he’ll want you to know you’re his.

Sorry for your upset. I hope this helps — and that you’ll follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter.

[Member]

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