[betrayed]

Some history: we met two and half years ago, what began as a short fling, turned into a relationship. I met him where I was working one night, (he was part of the live entertainment) I took him home, I saw him a couple more times then didn’t hear from him again. He came on a little strong and I really wasn’t looking for anything at the time so I let it be. A few months later, I came across him on a social network. We started talking and found a real connection. At this time, he was living in Ohio with his band mates; it wasn’t long before he moved back when his band had a falling-out. We then started hanging out quite a bit, and it wasn’t long after that he moved in with me.
The current situation; I am a full-time student, and currently unemployed, other than very temporary jobs, available work is non-existent; my live-in boyfriend supports us with his part/part-time job, things are very stressful. I am obligated to pay fines, tuition, bills, etc, with what little we make. I already know you are going to tell me this relationship was doomed from the beginning, it moved too fast, and I would completely agree. However, I really felt a connection with this person and I couldn’t help myself, and I accept the fact that I am living with my decision. So what I am going to tell you next probably won’t surprise you in the least, but it did somewhat shock me.
We have been dating for over a year and a half as of present. I recently learned he had cheated on me about six months ago, while I was working. We both had jobs at the time, and he would be finished and waiting for me (we only had one car, and he didn’t have his license) for at least a couple hours on those nights while I finished work. Well, one night he decided to invite one of our pregnant mutual friends to the bar next door and have a few cocktails, where they apparently kissed and went to her van where he allowed her to perform fellatio. I also learned they previously kissed one time while we were all hanging out, while I went to the bathroom momentarily. He finally told me when the baby’s daddy (also a mutual friend) threatened to hurt him and tell me. He did confess he was not planning to tell me because he didn’t want to “hurt me further, that it was a one-time thing, and they both felt horrible afterward.” I find this extremely difficult to believe, even though I want to so much. I think I may be in love with the idea of this person, and do not know who he really is.
Even though he has apologized countless times, I never really felt his remorse, he never cried. I don’t know if that really means he isn’t truly sorry, but I’ve seen him break down over “lesser” turmoil. I do believe people can change, but I do not know if he can. He has been cheated on, as well as cheated on a previous girlfriend; he understands both sides. I have tried to be patient and understanding and I think he has too, by allowing me to ask as many questions, as many times as I need. I have also tried to talk to my “friends” who are more of his friends now. I am not close to my family so this has been very difficult to process. Sometimes I feel like being close, other times I feel so disgusted my stomach turns and my heart aches. I love him, but I feel so lost, alone, and betrayed.
If I end our relationship now, my life would certainly come to a screeching halt (no more school, car, place to live, etc.) Do you think he could/has learned from this experience? Do you think he will do it again? Is he truly sorry, or just sorry he was caught? Am I being too hard on him? How can I go on without wondering where he is or who he’s with all the time? Will I ever be able to forgive him, and regain trust? Am I just fooling myself?

Eagerly awaiting your advice.

– Melancholic

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He invited a pregnant woman to a bar for cocktails after which she gave him a BJ in a car? 😯 There is so much wrong with that I don’t know where to begin!? So let me start with you.

Underlying this relationship problem is the fact that you are unsupported by your family and you’re out there all alone with tuition, unemployment, fines and what sounds like no friends. I think you were looking for someone to take care of you, and while I don’t think that’s a terrible thing, you clearly chose someone who could only do so much for you. I think you’re afraid to leave this guy because you don’t know how you’ll pay for your food, rent, tuition, etc. So your real problem is your income and support system. Your derivative problem is this relationship.

My advice is that you take a cold hard look at the worst case scenario — you have to drop out, take massive education loans, defer your education or live in a crappy apartment with roommates while you get back on your feet – which may take a few years. Decide that those options are not really so bad because with a few years’ investment, you’ll have either money to pay for your education, or an education with which to get a good job and pay off the loans little by little, and the hunger for and ability to get the things in life you want!

I don’t think you have to break up with this guy, but I do think you have to move out and start out on your own — even though that is going to be hard and uncomfortable. There are some things in life for which there are no shortcuts and the hard work and suffering you have to do to get what you want in life can be their own rewards.

If you’re on your own supporting yourself in whatever plan you decide to take, you’ll be able to see your relationship with this man more clearly. Right now you’re trying to hold on to this relationship because you need the rent money — not a good reason when you’re young, employable, getting an education and have the world at your doorstep.

I hope that helps — let me know how things go.

And follow me @AskAprilcom (no dot!) on Twitter. 😀

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much for your speedy input April! I agree I need to support myself, and I was until mid September of this year, I lost my job due to “economy” but they were really replacing staff with family members. Since then, finding work has become such a chore, and since I cannot drive anywhere (I live 18 miles out of the nearest town) it makes things even harder. Unfortunately, my name is on the lease, so he would be the one to move out, but then… I would have to also. I agree a steady income from my end would definitely change the circumstances in many ways.

As far as friends, the people I thought I knew and held close were the ones who were lying all along. I do not know who my friends are anymore, and that is probably also my fault.
I am afraid to show my face around town I am so embarrassed, people are starting to talk. That is why I wrote you, I do not feel I can or have anyone to turn to.

I think I need some time to reflect on myself but I am afraid what he will do with extra time on his hands. Stupid of me I know, but you are right, I am afraid of being left in destitution. I am only 25 but I do not want to start all over when I have put so much effort into what I have now. I know I cannot change him but if there is any possibility to patch things up, I would rather. Do you think we just need a separation period? Do you think alcohol is a factor? I do not think by any means, alcohol is an excuse but could it be part of the cause? He was drinking (how much, I do not know) when he did these things. Alternatively, is he just lying to himself and me? Maybe the alcohol allows him to be who he really is (or wants to be). What are the signs he is trying to fix things? Should they be obvious?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re looking for excuses not to do the work. 😕 If you don’t take care of your problems and address your fears, you will lose him — [i]and any other worthy guy who comes along[/i]. 🙁 You can’t be in a relationship until you are ready to be in a relationship, and you’re not ready.

I understand you’re afraid of destitution, but paralysis is not the answer. Address your fears and then take action. You have to do the work to improve your life — and your relationships. Don’t keep making excuses or blaming other people for what YOU need to do in YOUR own life!

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

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