[ClaireBear87]

Dear April,

One of my brother’s best friends is called James. James and I have obviously known each other for a while, but we’ve only really gotten to know each other better over the last few months. This one time him and I were hanging out alone together in his back yard, and all of a sudden he turned around and kissed me. He then told me that he has had feelings for me for quite a while. I was pleasantly surprised since I had secretly also had some feelings for him, but was way too scared to act on them. James told me that he really wants me to be his girlfriend but he was scared that it might cause trouble to him and my brother’s friendship. But nonetheless, he eventually decided that he wanted to talk to my brother about it. The one time he was alone with my brother he came close to mentioning it, but then he said he lost his nerve. James and I don’t get much opportunity to hang out alone together, but when we do, we usually kiss a lot and cuddle and watch movies. I like the time I have with him, because he makes me feel wanted and special, and it helps take my mind off myself and my problems. Anyway, my problem about James though is this: All my life I’ve had such bad luck with guys. I’ve been in about 3 serious relationships before, and I’m always the one that ends up getting hurt. I just don’t know if I can handle getting hurt again, and I’m so scared James ends up hurting me somehow. In some ways I’m already hurting because I find myself getting paranoid and obsessing about little things. For instance, I always wait for him to text me first, and then when I don’t get a text message from him I start feeling really depressed because I think I’ve done or said something wrong and his not interested in me anymore. But then there are days when he does surprise me and texts me out of the blue, and then I feel so incredibly happy. It’s crazy because I know it’s probably not all that healthy that my emotions depend so much on another person…but that’s just how it is, I guess. I just start over-analyzing and thinking about things too much. Quite a bit of time has passed already and he still hasn’t spoken to my brother, so we are not exactly “official” as such. And then I wonder to myself, if he was really that into me, then surely he would’ve spoken to my brother already? Maybe he hasn’t spoken to him because he doesn’t want to be “official?” It’s just so puzzling; I wish I could read his mind. It’s so hard for me because I already have fairly strong feelings for him and I so desperately want him to like me and to feel the same way about me. He just keeps giving me mixed signals and it’s driving me crazy, but I don’t want to make that obvious to him and risk chasing him away. For once in my life I just really want “love” to work out for me, you know? And I’m always so scared that maybe I’m not pretty enough or skinny enough or smart enough for him and that his somehow lost interest. I know I would be so depressed if that ends up being the case, that he is no longer interested.

It’s strange because today, for example, he came over while my brother was at work and we were watching a movie alone in the living room. He sat right beside me but made no attempt to hug or kiss me as he usually would when we are alone together, and that kind of bugs me. But then later in the night I get a text message from him asking when we can hang out again. What do you think, is he just playing with my feelings, or am I just over-analyzing everything way too much? Should I just wait things out and see what happens? It’s all so confusing.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you know the answer to your questions, but you want me to spell them out for you — and I’m happy to do so. 😀

There is no confusion here — except in your own mind. The reality is that James doesn’t want to bring you out in the open as his girlfriend or his date. He wants to keep you hidden because he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s been with you. This is what guys do when they’re not interested in a real relationship.

What you can do to make sure you are in one, is to recognize that he doesn’t want an official relationship with you — and that you want to be with someone who does. I know that’s disappointing, but it’s better to see the truth and decide to move on or not then to stay in this state where you’re hoping he’ll be someone he’s not. Look at who he is — not who you hope he’ll become.

Then there are certain ground rules: Don’t text him first. Don’t meet him unless he asks you out on a date. And don’t be complicit in this secrecy. If you want to be a valued girlfriend you have to first start acting like one. 😉

I hope that helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter. 😀

[Member]

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