[BoundxByLove]

Hi, My name is Cheri. My situation has been ongoing for the last 3 years. I don’t know how I can possibly make this short and sweet, bare with me as I explain myself. This is the only way someone could give me the best advice.

When I was 22 I met an older man (Jeff – 43) while I was working in a bar. We hit it off right away and dated for a year before I became pregnant with my first daughter. We stayed together, everything was great but something has always been off about it. I can’t put it into words but I felt like he wasnt right for me in some ways because he was 22 years older than I! I was pregnant so I thought the only thing I could do is sit back and get comfortable. He proposed to me that year and I said yes. We stayed engaged for forever it seemed and he still wouldnt plan a wedding with me. Along the way I told him I wanted another child and a year later we had another daughter. I lost interest in planning a wedding and i grew unhappy. I turned to social media to spice up my love life and I would innocently talk to other men I never expected anything serious to happen. It was all behind a screen. Until I met Ramy. Me and Ramy immediately became best friends and spoke to one another minimum 8 hours a day. Everyday. I knew deep down this was more than innocent flirting. I began to see a future with him. I craved a life with him. Jeff knew about him but he only knew we were friends. He asked me if anything more was going on and terrified from being a mother without a job and ending up struggling with nowhere to go. I told him no. As the year went by Jeff grew more suspicious and eventually everything was discovered. My children had already gotten to know Ramy via webcam and speaking to him on the phone often. Me and Ramy decided to meet. It was magical. Something I will never forget.. and I can not. I feel like Ramy is my soulmate but I am stuck here with Jeff because that is what is right for the kids. I still love Jeff just not the same way that I love Ramy. I honestly don’t believe I was ever in love with Jeff. My children now 8 and 5 yrs old… they both still sream in excitement when Ramy calls. I recently tried to leave Jeff for Ramy, but during it all, my youngest daughter exclaims how much she hates this choice that I made. And I felt horrible and ran back to Jeff. I still talk to Ramy on a everyday basis and the feelings are still entirely there. Jeff has talked about getting married and I told him I want to wait another year. But the truth is, I only said that to hold him off until I can figure myself out. I feel like if I cant come to a decision I will never be completely happy. I have tried to move on from Ramy but that crave is still there and I always go running back to him. He has been so understanding through all of this and still wants a life with me. I can not keep living this way. Back n forth from Jeff to Ramy to Jeff to Ramy. These men do not deserve the pain I’ve put them through. I don’t know what to do…. If I choose Ramy, I will need to move 6 hours away from home. If I choose Jeff, I will never feel truly happy and my worst fear is my children will hate my choices. Please help.

[AskApril Masini]

First, you’re not alone. Many couples in long-term relationships, especially those with children, have issues keeping the spark alive. It’s not something that just happens, both people in the relationship have to work at it. The problem you mentioned, trying to spice up your love life, is common. Usually, couples work together to try and make things better, and I hope you’ll give that a try — or else consider that maybe it isn’t your love life that’s the problem. 😉 It could be something deeper.

Second, it sounds like the timing of your considering leaving, suspiciously coincides with your two children, ages 8 and 5, going to school full time. You’ve probably got an empty nest for the first time in your life. And if it’s not empty, it’s different because your kids are more independent. They can go on play dates. They can be without you more than ever. That’s a big deal and a transition moment for many primary caregivers. You mentioned that you were a bartender when you met your boyfriend 9 years ago. I’m not sure if you work or not, but getting a job and nurturing a career may just solve your problem! Or at the very least, help it.

Third, the internet is great because it’s fast and far-reaching, but it’s also awful for the same reasons. It sounds like you’ve only met this new internet boyfriend in person, once. That’s not enough time to get to know him and decide if he’s your Mr. Right, and your daughters’ future step-father. 😉 He sounds like he’s the closest exit door to your long-term relationship — but not necessarily the best one. If you do find that you want to leave your relationship, then my advice is not to move in with him or start seeing him exclusively. Instead, be a single parent, and focus on that. Then, play the field, and look seriously for a compatible partner. When you have kids, dating is different than when you didn’t. They have to come first. So choose a person and a situation that is right for both you and the kids. 🙂

Fourth, consider the future if you do leave. Your kids may have a step mother and/or a string of dad’s girlfriends, and if you go with this internet boyfriend, your kids will be shuttling 6 hours each way between mom’s house and dad’s house. That a burden on the kids who will one day be testy teenagers, who I’m sure you will want to have a good relationship with their dad. Consider dating people who are geographically desirable, so your kids can easily have both their mom and their dad in their lives, if you do decide to move out.

I hope that this gives you some ideas and some productive things to consider. Please let me know what you think, and let me know how things are going.

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[BoundxByLove]

Thank you for replying so quickly, I have met with Ramy many times other than just the one time. We have spent weeks together here n there throughout the years and each time has been completely wonderful. I know what the right thing to do is, as you mentioned try working things out with my childrens father and I have to say I have tried and I still cant get Ramy out of my head. I’ve tried breaking contact with him and so far i have only made it a 2 month stretch. I start off strong but i eventually think about him again more n more. I hate that this is happening for my children. I feel like it is out of my control and if I do not follow my heart I will never be completely happy. Is it okay? I feel awful for my children going through this but i dont know if its worth me shutting down and settling with their father when I know my heart is somewhere else. I will live 6 hours away and be able to remain a stay at home mother and have the means to travel back home for visits often. I really wish he could relocate rather than I but it is not possible. He is a NY Sheriff and relocating is not possible at this time. He mentioned to me that we can move back to Ohio once transferring becomes available to him. Clearly my heart has made a decision. With this said comes another issue. How do I get through this while remaining civil and polite with Jeff? He is an amazing father and I don’t want to dislike him.

[AskApril Masini]

Ah…. got it. I didn’t realize from your first post that Ramy is someone you’d met in person many times. There are a lot of folks who meet online, and never meet in person. But I now know from you latest post, that that is not the case here! 🙂 Also, it now sounds like you live in Ohio, and Ramy lives in New York. And…. it sounds like you’re pretty committed to leaving Jeff and going to live with Ramy. I think all that’s left for me to advise you on, is how to handle the separation. 😉

Definitely sit down and discuss your plans to move to New York, with Jeff. If he’s against the kids moving, you should buckle up for a custody battle. My personal advice is that because Jeff is a good father, and because he has provided a good home for you and the kids where they go to school, have activities, friends and relatives, that you leave the kids with him, while you pursue romance with Ramy, and set up visitation in Ohio on weekends, so the kids don’t have to schlep to New York. Six hours each way, every weekend, is a burden on the kids. 😥 You can get a little place nearby and spend the weekends and maybe one or two nights a week with them there. Otherwise, you should hire an attorney to advise you on taking your children out of state. There are laws for each state that govern your ability to take the kids away from their other parent without consent.

Divorce is difficult under any circumstances, and the important thing to understand is that it means giving up control and that you can’t have everything. But… you will get your romance. Just don’t drag the kids through an exhaustive visitation situation as collateral damage. 🙁 I know this isn’t what you want, but in the bigger picture, if things between you and Ramy work out, you can move together back to Ohio, and share joint custody with Jeff at that time.

I hope that helps. Please let me know if you have any other questions.

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