[Anonymous]

I have this huge issue April. I would appreciate it if you could just enlighten me on this. I know a guy who is very nice. I kind of like him and I know he sort of does too. We haven’t expressed our feelings to each other though because it seems like both are scared of what the other would think and how the other would react. He enjoys the attention I give him. Whenever I am not so attentive to him, I think he feels that he might lose me or something and he tries to reconnect with me, he tries to bring up conversations, crack jokes to make me smile and laugh, does my work when I am busy (BTW he doesn’t do any of these things to other women). All these things he does and I don’t know if a guy would do these things for a girl if he wasn’t interested?

Nevertheless he is not consistent in his behavior. One day he is all affectionate and caring and the next day as if he checks himself and tries so hard not to show his feelings too much sort of. And when I’m moving away he tries to get close to me. So these mixed signals puzzle me a lot. I don’t know exactly if he feels strongly about me. I thought maybe his difference in behavior is because he had a bitter breakup in the past and he is scared that he will get rejected or something again. I am nice to him and I try to reciprocate by communicating with him etc but I have also observed that whenever I do so, he gets scared and backs off a bit, at least for one day he maintains a distance.

I don’t want to crowd him or force him into any relationship. I want it to come naturally from him and don’t want to rush into things. All I want to know is,

Does he really feel strongly about me?
Why does he change his behavior like this?
And how do I make him comfortable around me?

He is also very respectful towards me and treats me differently than other women.

[Anonymous]

Hi photogal: Just saw your post and thought maybe I could help too. I’m sure you’ll get a formal response from April but I have some experience with this type of male behavior. It’s actually pretty common and I’d bet that he does really like you, maybe more than you know! I think, a lot of times, as human beings, we are really afraid to ‘put ourselves out there’ and be vulnerable. When and if we do, we sometimes get scared and pull back to protect ourselves from rejection.

I’ve heard this type of behavior expressed as the ‘elastic band’ effect, with regard to a man’s behavior. Sometimes as woman we can get very affectionate and be seen as clingy or needy by men. Some men are very afraid of that behavior and worry that we will become little need machines demanding every minute of their time and making our lives revolve around them. Trust me when I tell you, no healthy man, wants that! They do want an independent woman who can do her own thing but can also be with them and love them exclusively. It’s a thin line to walk for some women. So, often times when we, as women, get too clingy for the man we are with, they will pull back a bit, but here’s the tricky part – as soon as we woman pull back and aren’t so needy, if the man really cares about and wants us, they bounce right back like a rubber band! It sounds like you don’t have a relationship yet and this is in the early stages, yes? If that’s the case I think this push and pull is very normal and part of the start of a relationship. If you want to take it to the next level, I’d sit down with your man and have a talk. Just be careful not to be too overbearing, demanding or seem desperate. That might scare him away.

You might want to keep the conversation light, you know? That always helps. If you are in that place where he has just bounced back to you after you have pulled away a bit, you might start a conversation about it lightly and say, ‘hey stranger, where have you been?’ or something like that. Then perhaps tell him that you like spending time with him but be careful to temper this with, not every waking minute but I do like spending time with you. Start doling out your affection for him more evenly and try to learn the cues and signals he sends out just before he feels threatened and pulls away. If you can spot those cues then you’ll know when to back off a bit and mellow out a bit so that he can come to you. Don’t forget some men are very macho about all of this too – if they feel you are going to make the first move to initiate the relationship they may pull back simply because they want to make the first move!

I think he likes you, photogal, and I do think he may be very interested in having a relationship with you. He might not be 100% ready for the whole ball of wax yet though. If you are patient and learn to read the signs, though, I think you’ll find him coming to you soon enough.

I hope this helps a little!

[Anonymous]

Hey divimommy , thanks for the reply. I gathered a lot more from it. As you said yes this whole …I don’t know if I can call it a relationship, but yes it is at the early stage. You also said that I should be careful not to be too overbearing, demanding or seem desperate, but how because he seems to be a bit scared when I even have a simple chit chat with him.

So as you say I need to show him that I am independent (I am a very independent person BTW but I don’t think he knows that), may be not ask many personal questions from him just in case if it scares him off, not text him etc…is that the kind of thing that I should be doing???? May be I should show him that I have many male friends and and talk to more etc…I am really clueless sorry…

You also said to keep the conversation light….as a matter of fact I don’t even initiate any conversation with him because I am scared that he will run away. So he is the one who always starts talking and when we are interrupted he wants to continue.

I would appreciate some insight to this because I really like this guy and I want to give it a go.

Thanks again

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You got great advice from [b]divimommy[/b]. I think the best thing I can advise, rather than give you a cursory response here, is to buy Think & Date Like A Man, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], where you’ll get the definitive advice on how to get him to ask you out. You can also buy the book on the websites for Amazon and Barnes & Noble, but it’s on sale for $8.99 now on the link above.

Let me know what you think when you read it.

See you on Facebook at this link: [url][/url] and on Twitter @AskAprilcom (no dot). 😀

[Member]

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