[mmiller5373]

I’ve dated my girlfriend for 2 years 5 months. I’m 24, White and she’s 22, Mexican. We have a wonderful relationship, but we do have our fights. She is in this country illegally and that always seems to be a topic of our fighting, as I do not want to simply just marry her with her status, I want to do things right. Now, this is the girl of my dreams. Seriously. I have dated lots of women and can honestly say that I’ve never felt this way before. She’s sexy, smart, fun to hang with, and just an incredible person to talk to. Before going into detail about our breakups, I want to make some things clear about the kind of person I am.

I’ve been putting myself through college through our entire relationship, so finances have always been tight. She likes to go out and do things, but I have not been able to because of time and money. About 7 months into our relationship, I gained a lot of weight. I probably went from 180 to 220. This created a lot of problems in my life. I worked in a restaurant so it was difficult for me to lose the weight. The weight increase really hurt me as a person. I no longer looked at myself as a good looking person. I stopped taking care of myself. She was picky about me gaining the weight, but never mean. I developed sleep apnea and became a tired, stressed out person. If we did get into an argument, I would tend to raise my voice at her, and she didn’t like it all, often hanging up on me. I never hit her or called her names. I think my stress got the best of me. I also think some depression sank in too. I kind of became this insecure person. Then, after graduating with no job hopes, things got worse. So here’s the problem:

In the beginning of our relationship my mom use to open her arms to my girlfriend, but over time, she found things she didn’t like about her. Whenever my girlfriend and I would fight, I would talk to my mom about it. Whenever I would fight with my mom, I would talk to my girlfriend about it. I think this created a rift between the two of them.

About a year ago, my mom (she’s a single mom), my brother, my girlfriend, and I all went on a trip to the beach. While at the beach, my mom and brother got into a huge fight with me and my girlfriend because they felt we were doing our own thing instead of involving them. When I say huge, I mean there was a lot of yelling and screaming. Ever since that trip, my girlfriend and my mom have only seen each other 2 times. My girlfriend has not wanted to be around my family because she felt it wasn’t very nice of my mom and brother to scream, yell, and say awful things around her, considering she still didn’t know them that well. I can see how my family would have been upset with me, on the other hand, my girlfriend did not.

This only made my mom more angry. She thinks my girlfriend has been ignoring her. At a recent family get together, my girlfriend didn’t make any contact with my mom besides saying “Hello” and “Goodbye.” However, my girlfriend did chat with my grandmother for several hours.

My mom has always wanted me to marry a baptist. My girlfriend is catholic. My mom doesn’t like her illegal status. She thinks because of that, my girlfriend has lied about other things in her life as well, so she can’t be trusted. See what I’m trying to say?

Fact of the matter is that I love my girlfriend. A lot. When we are together, all I wanna do is just hold her in my arms.

Flash back a year ago, my girlfriend dumped me because she felt like we were wrong for each other. We were having some communication problems and misunderstandings, probably due to our cultural differences. This was when I was at my highest weight too, so I think I became unattractive to her too (not just physically). A few weeks later, we hung out, got drunk, and she ended up professing her love for me. I ended up having to take care of her the next day because she was sick.

Flash back to the beginning of this summer, she dumped me because I brought up the awful situation with my mom and her, and told her that if the two of them don’t solve it, it will never work between me and her. She broke up with me. A few weeks later, she unexpectedly showed up at my College Graduation. We started to hang out more and ended up getting back together.

Things have been perfect all summer long…

Now recently, my mother and brother moved to another state. I decided to move with them because I’m unemployed and am having some financial issues after just graduating from college. I now live over 4 hours away from my girlfriend (moving in with her was not an option, as she still lives with her parents). Since I’ve been gone, I’ve only seen my girlfriend 2 times. 2 Times in over two months. While living with my mom, I’ve had to hear about how my girlfriend isn’t the right one for me. How nobody likes her. How she didn’t talk with my mom, but made conversation with my grandmother. And so on…. After hearing all of this over and over and over again, I cracked. I told my girlfriend about it all and it hurt her a lot. I told her that she needs to try harder to get my mom to like her. That she needs to talk with her more. This was about three weeks ago.

A week later, she texted me and broke up with me. I called and called… and texted and texted, trying to get her to change her mind, but she wouldn’t. She wouldn’t answer my calls. Just texted back saying it’s over. It’s been two weeks since we broke up… I made contact with her today through a text message and she still doesn’t want to be with me. Doesn’t want to talk with me or see me. She said she’s said all she has to say and that she will NEVER want to put up with this BS again. She said she’s moving on and when she’s ready, she will start looking for someone else. She made it clear that her love for me is gone.

I’m heart-broken. I don’t know what to do. I want to just drive back to see her. Is that a bad idea? I mean, we haven’t really talked in person about the breakup. Just texting pretty much. And we haven’t seen each other since the beginning of August. What should I do to get her back? I do love her.

[libra1963]

It seems like you have had quite a roller coaster relationship with this girl. I can see why you were attracted to her. she has however caused a lot of rifts between you and your family. I feel you should put your family first. They did not take to her and you have now broken up with her. May be its for the best. You sould like a really nice guy but there were too many negatives in that relationship. Miss Perfect will come along soon who will make you much happier. Break ups are always painful but things will get better. 😐

[Ask April Masini]

You can’t be in a relationship and make that relationship work until you’re ready. You’re not ready.

You have to take care of yourself first and foremost before you can take care of anyone else, let alone contribute emotionally to a relationship. Fist you have to take care of your health. Lose the weight you need to get healthy. Second, you need to get a job. Start your career and begin to make money so you can get to number three…. 🙂 Third you need to move out of your mother’s house and get your own place. It’s time. You’re 24 years old and you shouldn’t be living with your mother except as an interim measure.

ONLY after you do those three things will you be ready to be in a relationship with ANYONE!

Once you do, you have to make a decision who your allegiance is going to be to: your mother or your wife. (I know your now ex-girlfriend wasn’t your wife, but after two years, she could have been, and probably was thinking about it.) This is a classic problem and mother in laws get a bad rap because men don’t make the choice clear and try to straddle the fence. Clearly your mother does not like your girlfriend and never will. It’s unfair for you to ask your girlfriend to shoulder that burden. YOU are the one who has to make the decision who to choose. But frankly, until you’ve done steps one, two and three (above), it’s a premature choice to make.

I hope that helps. Don’t put the cart before the horse. Take care of you first, and then any relationship you may want to be in.

Join me on Facebook, too — I’d love to have you there. Here’s that link: [url][/url].

[mmiller5373]

Well, I drove all the way back home to visit her yesterday. Waited for her to get off work. We talked for about 2 hours and she made it clear that she never wants to be with me again, that she’s tired of the BS. She wants nothing to do with my mom… At all. She’s said she feels she can’t make me happy. That I always wanted more outta her and at some point in the past month it clicked within her that we’ve had too many problems and it will never work. She said she did all she could but I always wanted her to do more than she was willing to. She said her family respects her decision. I cried and begged and begged, but she wouldn’t budge. She really showed no emotion toward me besides resentment. I left in tears. About 15 mins later she texted my grandmother telling her that things aren’t right and that I just left her house angry and she was worried I would be driving 4 hours angrily and could wreck.

Now the other times she broke up with me she said things will never work too. Time went by and she ended up coming around. What do I need to do to get her back into my life. I’m afraid I’ll lose her forever. She mentioned she will start seeing other people.

[Ask April Masini]

I told you the three things you need to do to be in a relationship — with her or anyone, but you ignored them, so I’ll tell you again! 😉

First, you need to lose the weight you gained and take care of your health. You’re admittedly overweight, have sleep apnea and are tired and stressed. Get healthy. Women want a man who takes care of himself first and foremost because it shows self respect and confidence.

Second, you need to get a job and jump start your career. It’s terrific that you are a new college graduate. Now do something with the degree and if you can’t do something with the degree get a job to make money until you are able to get the career going that you want. You mentioned that you had worked in a restaurant. Get another restaurant job or two jobs — just as a temporary measure so you can make enough get back on your feet again. If you already knows she wants you to take her out on dates and spend some money on her, go for it! Make the money to take her out!

Third, move out of your mother’s house so you can be independent. No woman is going to want to date or marry a guy who’s still living with his mother at age 24. You have to understand what it is that women want, and then be willing to give it to them if you want one!

As I posted to you before, take care of yourself first, and then and only then will you be able to be in a relationship with a woman who wants to commit to you the way you want her to commit to you.

I hope that helps and that you’ll do the work and not look for an easy way out. Relationships require work, so roll up your sleeves and decide you’re worth that work — then do it. 🙂

Please join me on Facebook — I’d love to hear from you there, too! Here’s the link: [url][/url].

[mmiller5373]

Yeah. I totally understand. My confidence has done down and my insecurity up, and I think that factor has caused a lot of problems in our relationship (not to say that she hasn’t done anything wrong, nor has any problems). I need to be alright with myself before I can be okay with her. I want to feel attractive around her. I want to feel good around her.

With all this breakup stuff, I just don’t want to lose her. I hope she doesn’t move on. She seems like she has, though it’s kinda weird considering the middle of August she was sending me text messages about how much she loves me. Do you think her love has disappeared and that she is moving on… or that she was hurt by my recent actions and is convincing herself that she needs to forget about me? Maybe I should just leave her alone for a while? Let her miss me?

[Ask April Masini]

Yes, leave her alone and do what I suggested to take care of yourself. If you do what I said to do, your self esteem will rise and you’re going to be attractive to her and/or other women. There is no short cut. If you don’t do what I suggested you will lose her if you haven’t already. Quit trying to cut your losses with shortcuts. There are none. Commit to doing the work and when you do, only then will you reap the benefits.

I hope that helps and that you’ll make today the day that you turn your life around.

Please join me on Facebook — make that an easy way to get out of your rut and do something different and positive! 😆 Here’s the link for AskApril.com on Facebook: [url][/url].

[mmiller5373]

Figured I’d post a status update. Since moving, I’ve lost 20 lbs and dropped 7% body fat. So things are looking up on my end of things. Feeling a lot more confident, though I need to lose a good 15-25 more lbs to be back in good shape.

Also, I haven’t contacted my ex [u]at all[/u] in over a week. This weekend I went back home (same city where she lives) to go to my cousin’s engagement party and other various wedding activities. I took a lot of pictures of me hanging out with my friends. Nothing crazy. No pictures of me hanging all over other girls or anything like that. I uploaded these pictures to Facebook and within 15 minutes of uploading them, she deleted me as a facebook friend. I’m doing my best to try and not let that bother me. I’m going to leave the matter alone. Just seems a little immature I guess.

[Ask April Masini]

You’re on the right path now. A hearty CONGRATULATIONS on the weight loss!! 😀 Nice going.

I hope you’ll let me know how things go — and that you’ll join ME on Facebook! Here’s the link: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url].

[mmiller5373]

Well, I guess things with her are over for good now. I guess my desperation and neediness after the breakup really pushed her away. I was back in town this weekend and decided to go and see her (yeah, I know, a bad idea). It had been about 3-4 weeks since I’ve seen her/talked with her, and I was feeling really anxious about things. I wanted to speak with her about things to get some closure. I went to her house and knocked on her door. Nobody answered. Went back to my car and called her, still no answer. About 5 minutes later, her brother-in-law (who’s American and lives with her, her mom, brother, his wife…) walked over to my car and said he had a heart to heart with her the night before and that she’s completely freaked out by me. He said she’s afraid of me. Her and her mom are paranoid that I’m going to get their family deported and sent back to Mexico.

He knows me pretty well and knows that I’m not that kind of person. He knows I would never settle to that. We’ve always been close. Apparently, she told him a story about a fight the two of us had, though she left out her end of the fight, making it seem like I was the bad one. It’s almost like she’s creating reasons for why she shouldn’t be with me and almost trying to get her family to dislike me too. He doesn’t understand why their family is like that, but he tried to explain that things are different for them living in a new country and they are probably interpreting things differently than anyone else would. He said they are pretty paranoid about things. He told me to give it some more time, to leave her alone, and that I could call him every so often to check on them all. He said he believes that she wants to do what she wants to do right now and that someday she will realize that she made a huge mistake. By then, hopefully I will have moved on with my life.

Really seems like he understands what I’m going through and that he’s on my side. He knows how she is and he told me that I deserve better than her anyways. She’s kind of an outcast from everyone else in the family.

I have no idea where all of this is coming from. I never threatened her. Never gave her an ultimatum. Just told her how much I loved her and how things would change this time.

We both think that one of her friends (or a new guy in her life) was seeing how much I was calling her after the breakup and that they planted that idea in her head; that something was wrong with me and she should be afraid.

Still searching for a job, but having no luck. Even looking for bartending /server jobs. Still doing good with the weight loss too.

[Ask April Masini]

Go back and re-read my advice.

You need to let go of her — because if you don’t, she’ll make even more sure you won’t see her. (Which is what’s happening now.) Work on yourself. It’s fantastic that your health and weight loss are going so well. Keep working on the job search, and move out of your mom’s house.

It’s all about you first, and only when you get your act together, can it be about someone else.

Follow me on Twitter @AskAprilcom (no dot!) and join me on Facebook, too at this link: [url][/url].

[mmiller5373]

Got some good news and bad news.

The good news is that I got a job back where I use to live. The job is in my field, it’s exactly what I went to school for. I’ll be moving back there at the end of the month, so no more living with the mother. 😀 The past few months have been really tough on me because I was unemployed, living with my mother, and in a new city, without friends around. And the one person I thought was there for me, wasn’t there for me. I was pretty much lifeless. All I could focus on was the breakup.

The bad news is that I texted the ex about 2 weeks ago to inform her about the job. Didn’t hear from her. A few days later, sent her a text to apologize for my behavior over the past few months. Told her I still care for her and would like to try to be friends. No reply. A couple of days ago, I sent her another text to tell her I’m moving back. No response. I really thought giving her some time to herself would open up the communication lines a bit, but she’s still choosing to ignore me. I guess she has moved on. It hurts. But there’s nothing I can do. I need to move on with my life. I’ve dated lots of women before, but this one was special to me. I blew it. Totally blew it. I acted so clingy over the past few months and made matters worse. It’s just been a rough time for me. I probably deserve better anyways. She broke up with me during one of the worse stages in my life. It shattered me.

[Ask April Masini]

It’s terrific that you got a job and you can move out of your mother’s house! 😀 😀 😀

Forget your ex. You definitely blew it. Focus on not being needy and clingy and desperate next time around. Read the book Date Out of Your League, and FOLLOW THE ADVICE in it!! Here’s the link for the book: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url].

You should also follow me on Twitter @AskAprilcom where I tweet highlights from this forum, so you can read other peoples’ posts and learn from them. I hope you’ll do all that and I wish you the best in your job, your new apartment and your new relationship — when it happens next! Join me on Facebook: [url][/url].

[mmiller5373]

Thanks for all the help, April. Just wanted to mention one last thing. Yesterday I came across some pictures of her that a mutual friend showed me. It’s pictures of her romantically kissing a guy. All I can say is that her and I never took pictures like these. These pictures were taken back in Mid-September. This leads me to believe that this guy was there all along and pretty much swept in while we were having trouble. It really explains everything now. Why she wouldn’t talk. Why she ignored me. Why she convinced her family members stuff about me that isn’t true. I guess she was afraid I would find out about this guy and flip out. I don’t know. I’m hurting now, but finally starting to get some closure as now I know why she acted the way she did. I know there is nothing I can do now because I pushed her into his arms. I need to move on and find someone better for me.

[Ask April Masini]

Get the book, Date Out of Your League and READ IT!! 😀 Here’s the link, again: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url]. It’s going to help you move on and find Ms. Right. It’s way past time!

See you @AskAprilcom on Twitter, and on Facebook here: [url][/url].

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