[Anonymous]

Hi all, I will try to make this as short as possible.

My G/F of 3.5 years and I have broken up 2 times in that 3.5 years. Once was just passing, the other for about 5 months and we both saw other people, decided mutually the grass wasnt greener and have been pretty good for the last year. Ups and downs, quiet times but nothing serious. We dont live together anymore but we share a child and she has 3 others from a previous marriage.

Two weeks ago we get in to a text bickerfest, nothing really out of the ordinary for us. The next day, Monday, I email and say I’m sorry, I have been selfish lately and I am correcting it. So a week goes by, nothing from her but 4 emails from me. Now, silence is odd for us. She has my cell phone. I got to pay the bill and, while reviewing it online, I see she has sent 400 texts to 2 different numbers in the last week. The majority to a local # to her. Ok. I had deactivated my FB profile but logged back on and there is a guy posting and liking everything. I put two and two together; this is the guy she is texting so much. I call her this time. She says she is not seeing anyone, she doesnt know if we can be together because of “conflict” all the time. ok. I said can I come over and we can talk? She says its not a good idea, she’ll see me when I pick up our son for my weekend (we hadnt have “weekends” in ages). I said, ok, when I bring him home we can have a small party, the three of us for your birthday? She says no…she’ll be out all day on her birthday. OK. She doesnt know if we will get back together. She tells me she is avoiding communication between us for BOTH our sakes and she is sorry for everything.

So I email point blank:

Are you seeing someone? She says NO and it upsets her she has to tell me this so I wont get upset. She says its imperative we remain friends and she doesnt want to cut me out of her life.

I am currently paying her cell bill (all those texts included!), she is on my benefits at work and she has my credit card for emergencies and an online course I pay for her. She says she needs the phone for safety issues, the benefits for her blood pressure meds and the credit card for emergencies and our son.

My question is: Her priority is to stay friends with me and she doesnt want to cut me out of her life. But she cant communicate with me in any forum due to “conflict” but has no problem texting 400 times a week to another guy. She says she is not seeing anyone. And I continue to support her. This really has me confused and upset.

Any advice? Sorry for the length.

[Ask April Masini]

You’re in a tricky situation because you’re trying to blur the lines of your relationship for your own benefit — but that blurring of the lines isn’t working to your benefit, truth be told. 🙁 I understand that you pay for her health care, cell phone and other items because you feel that that’s what couples do for each other — but you’re not really a strong couple having been together only three years and having broken up twice in those three years and now that she’s met someone else (whether or not she admits it to you — which is her right and prerogative), she doesn’t feel that those payments you’re making define the relationship [i]she[/i] wants to create. So, she’s starting to put parameters on your relationship, like the weekend custody visit with your child, in order to more clearly define the relationship — and you don’t like it. 😳 I get it.

But, the reality is that she has every right to date someone else, as do you, and it might serve you to put a formal relationship in place given that you share a child together. I’m not sure what country you’re in or even what state, if you’re in the U.S., but there are local laws that govern what two parents’ responsibilities and rights are when it comes to custody of a child, and I think you should begin to consider putting a legal agreement into place so you don’t have the burden of defining and redefining the relationship based on your feelings. Decide (between the two of you or with legal help) what you want to contribute to the relationship financially and what kind of regular visitation is best for your child, and then stick to it. If you want to pay her phone bills, that’s fine, but having access to her phone records isn’t a good idea for either one of you. Make it a cleanly defined relationship and you’ll have a much better chance at seeing what you have emotionally that way. There won’t be as much confusion as you’re having now.

I hope that helps.

Let me know how things go — and join me on Facebook. I’d love to have you as a free member of AskApril.com on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 🙂

[Author]

Posts