[archerunknown]

he’s workaholic, selfish, critical, self-centered, and ambitious about fame. he said once that his priorities were always college and his YouTube cover videos first, and then relationship. how do you know if he is a narcissist or just didn’t like me enough to work it? we’ve been together for 8 months and I’ve had enough, but i can’t tell if the problem was mine by giving always more into this commitment emotionally, and he never give enough of it, sometimes it was just none emotion. i always felt for months that something was not right, but i couldn’t know quite right what or why, so i kept testing him, and I’ve seen the worst behavior from him. My friends were always saying to me that i should break up (that he’s to selfish, he want different things, and he’s not right for me) but i ignored it, and i tried to do something about it… but it only it got worst. i only saw the real him, when i finally wanted to broke up for real… he started to disrespect me, he disrespected my mother (when i always gave my house for us to do our thing, since we are gay and he wasn’t out of the closet in public or to his parents – he said that was no problem at all for us to work out as a relationship) and was always putting me down professionally and calling me a kid (that was the only arguments he always had), and i decided to finally break up….

he wanted to stay friends, but i said no, it’s obvious we need space to move on each other and he didn’t even respected me enough to be a friend or respect us not to talk for some months now, what the hell was he thinking? I tried and tried, but i couldn’t reach him, and i still don’t know why. i always gave him space for his life and all other stuff, so i can’t say i was obsessed or anything. when i ended it was a relief, but it’s been a month and it’s been harder then i though. i can tell if it was just me that wasn’t enough for him to love me, and give just like i gave within time, or if he’s a narcissist and i simply couldn’t do nothing anymore, since people never change. he only experience was one relationship that he was cheated, 3 years ago, and it seems that he didn’t let go of it too… not that he still likes him, but i feel his anger about it, resentment for being cheated and thats the excuse he uses for him to be so cold and not believing on the emotional side, and only rational. why was he in this relationship with me after all this time? lol. i believed that it was only a matter of time to get more emotional, but i guess it was a bullshit, and i was only blind. he somehow tricked me to let my self-esteem go down with his general critics about everything, for me to get adapted to him to save this relationship (i tried to end the relationship other times, i just didn’t end it because i was blinded about him), and i forgot to listen to my voice… i feel so stupid.

he has a HUGE ego, that’s why i think he can’t learn or ear me out when i say he has big problems to resolve with himself as a person. he goes out on the street, and he thinks hes famous everywhere in my country just because of some cover videos he does on YouTube with 1,000 views or less daily. He leaves in a reality that he is better than everyone, he puts himself on a pedestal not only with me, but people in general. (his teachers, partners of work, etc). how is he expecting for someone to carry with this? or i am a dog, or i have a huge ego as him and treat him like shit. i guess that’s the point and conclusion i came to have since i’ve gone away for almost a month with no contact with him, i couldn’t take no more…
i was blinded by his ways… i didn’t know exactly what was wrong, i just felt it. i just though he was insecure, scared (since the lack of experience with relationships and was cheated last time), so i fighted for the relationship, and tried to pull him off the square he lives in. but anyway, i did a research, and i think i can agree with some topics about “the codependent”… is it my fault, for me to be like this, who damaged the relationship? i always had my opinion on things, although, i was always corrected by him in the end, he was always right about everything… i started to shut my mouth, because he said i was always starting fights, when i was just speaking my mind of what i think it was wrong generally. It was a painful experience for me break up with someone i tried so much to work. he didn’t even had the guts to end the relationship… when i broke up, he was like “so, we brake up or not?” and i was like “dafuq? can’t you see that we’re not happy and not fine with this relationship?”, he basically put everything on me, like it was my fault and responsibility. it’s hard been the one who has to dump the other one, cause for a lot of times i wanted to talk to him again and see if he changed, or if he had is hand on the conscience of how wrong he was, but if he as all this characteristics of a narcissist, i guess that he will never think where he was wrong and admit it…

help me on this one, thanks.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re asking questions about him, but if you want to grow and learn more about yourself so you can find happiness, next time around, the questions shouldn’t be about him — they should be about [i]you[/i]. 😉 You have to take responsibility for your part in the relationship, and figure out what drove you to someone who is either narcissistic, or wasn’t that into you. If you were dating someone who was super clear that his relationship came a far second to school and videos, then it’s a good idea to acknowledge that, perhaps, you were drawn to his ambition. It’s great to date ambitious people, but you can’t, then, expect them to be putting you first, and dropping work and career interests to be at your side. 😉 If you’ve learned that you want someone who’s more into a relationship than their career, that’s good to know! Since this relationship didn’t work out, take what you learned, and get out there and find someone is better suited to who you have learned you really are. 😀

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[archerunknown]

the thing here is that, i didn’t at all wanted or said to him, ever, that our relationship should be first always… not at all. But at least be in the same category? and by that i mean, important as his career? 🙄 isn’t that a true relationship? i still have my ambitions too, and till now, i question a lot myself where i did wrong. all i can conclude, is that i gave too much for someone who wouldn’t change (but i though that with more time, we were supposedly more involved with each other, or at least part of him… but i never saw him grow up from that, never saw really big effort on getting more emotional and take it to the next level after 8 months, or respect, i kinda feel taken for granted for real).

i couldn’t take no more since he was always critical with everything, and putting me down, and so less of emotional. who wants to date and be the second choice after all?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you’ve made a decision to move on, but you’re still looking backwards at what was. And, it seems that you want to blame him, rather than shoulder any responsibility for the relationship, yourself. If you’re willing to look at your part in the relationship dynamic, you’ll give yourself a leg up on the next one. 😉

[quote]the thing here is that, i didn’t at all wanted or said to him, ever, that our relationship should be first always… not at all. But at least be in the same category? and by that i mean, important as his career? 🙄 isn’t that a true relationship?[/quote]

No. You’ve got it wrong. A relationship isn’t as strictly defined as you’re implying it should be. There all different ways to have relationships and there are all different types of relationship dynamics that work — if a couple is compatible. What works for one person isn’t always a good match for someone else, and that’s your job: to figure out what you want, and to find it. Let go of anyone or any relationship that doesn’t serve you. 😉

[quote]who wants to date and be the second choice after all?[/quote]

Well, you don’t — that’s clear. But there are people who don’t mind at all. Anyone who’s in a relationship with someone who’s married to their career, makes a choice to be there. The trick is knowing yourself, knowing the other person, and finding compatibility, whatever the issues are. 🙂

Once you get past the sting of this not working out, it will be a wonderful learning experience for you, in hindsight. 😉

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[archerunknown]

Yeah, i can agree with you. He isn’t what i was expecting or what i was wanting… i felt that i was a unfair relationship for me. I can’t be in a relationship by simply giving, and not getting in it back, i tried, but he is what he is, and that’s what he wants to be… he never loved me anyways, and even if he had, and i don’t think it would be any different i think.

It’s been hard picking up myself, i have been feeling really alone, my self-esteem gone, inner strength gone, and sanity (not really wanting to blame him, it’s always the fault of the 2 partners, but i feel like he sucked me all up giving my heart away trying to catch his and getting more emotional… because i only remember of myself after meet him so strong, confident, sure of myself, and it’s sad to admit it, but i lost myself in this process/relationship cause i was manipulated/brainwashed and i didn’t listen to all the warning signs in the very beginning and i simply risked it all… but i guess that’s just the normal process of me finding myself and putting all the pieces together, isn’t it?

i’ve been going with friends, gym and work a lot, but it’s not easy, i never though i was this vulnerable, weak/sensible… that’s how i’m feeling 🙁

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you’re coming around to understanding that you weren’t brainwashed or manipulated as much as you [i]agreed[/i] to be in a particular relationship and then you stayed in it until you were ready to leave it. The anger you’re directing at him is really about you not taking care of yourself the way you wanted to. When you give that responsibility to someone else, [i]they[/i] don’t take it as much [i]you[/i] relinquish it. 😉 The more you realize you’re not a victim, the more readily you’ll gain back your self esteem. It’s great you’re going to the gym and focusing on other things. Break ups are important because they allow you to exit a relationship that wasn’t working for you and to figure out why and what you want next. 😉 Time is your friend. You will heal. But focus on everything that is positive in life, and use this new single phase of your life to take really good care of yourself, and make a list of what you want to give and what you want to get in your next relationship. This will start your inner dialogue and it will give you some direction as well as a platform for you to analyze what happened in the past, why, and how you’re going to do things differently. 🙂

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[archerunknown]

he recently added me on Google+, he add me as a friend in is circle at 5am this saturday. was it on purpose? i can’t tell, i didn’t even had him on my account and it was just strange. i just saw the email alert and my heart jumped really fast. How normal is this after 1 month and 2 weeks of my no contact with him? i though maybe to add him back, but it’s pointless if i don’t anything from him but only “i’m sorry”, which i know i’m never going to get probably. :s

I eared that now he is making competitions to invite fans to go to the cinema with him and giving free tickets, how lame is that though? is this a “supply” for him now that he doesn’t have me in is life anymore?

Thanks for your advice bellow, i’ll carry that in note now. 🙂 i think i’m getting better in time.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Keep it moving! Don’t engage with him — even on social media. Shift your focus from questions about him, to questions about yourself, and don’t waste time on a guy who isn’t right for you — when there are others out there who are. 😉 He’s not an asset to your life, so….. Next!!

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[archerunknown]

[quote=”April Masini”]Keep it moving! Don’t engage with him — even on social media. Shift your focus from questions about him, to questions about yourself, and don’t waste time on a guy who isn’t right for you — when there are others out there who are. 😉 He’s not an asset to your life, so….. Next!!

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one more question i have in my mind running a lot.
he did say in the first month of our relationship, he was afraid that i liked him more, than he likes me. he said he was afraid he couldn’t love me back… and after 8 months, that’s what it happened. is this normal at all? how can someone predict and “plan” this? thanks.

i hope i get better in time fast. I am facing my anger and fears, i’ll get trough it 🙂 i realized now that there’s not a problem with myself for being who i am, it helps for me to calm down more, and stay in the moment… not fearing the future. I hope i comeback stronger even though i’m afraid of what’s coming next right now 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]one more question i have in my mind running a lot. he did say in the first month of our relationship, he was afraid that i liked him more, than he likes me. he said he was afraid he couldn’t love me back… and after 8 months, that’s what it happened. is this normal at all? how can someone predict and “plan” this? thanks.[/quote]

It can be normal to not love someone. 😉 It happens all the time. But it doesn’t sound like he planned not to love you. He just didn’t feel love for you. That’s not abnormal. Not everyone loves the people who love them. 😉 As for predicting this — pay attention, and if a guy tells you he’s afraid he can’t love you back, take him seriously. 😉

I think it’s great that you’re facing what happened, and processing the past, as well as looking towards the future. You WILL get past it. I can tell you’re doing the work. Good for you! 😀

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