[pinkmoon]

Hi all, I know I’m new but I could really some advice as this is eating me up inside. I’ll try to simplify as much as I can. Thank you in advance for your time! <3 (:

I am 26, and had the biggest crush in my life in 2002 (freshmen year in STATE 1.) We had a strong connection and I was ready to ask him out after the summer. Unfortunately, he never came back to school the next year and no one could tell me what happened to him. Of course I was extremely upset about it and felt helpless.

Fast forward to 2006, still in STATE 1. I met another another man who is my same age as well. We went on one date after meeting online. There was a pretty strong connection there but it didn’t go any further.

Again, fast forward to 2009, still in STATE 1. I began talking to this same guy again online, and we connected much more and went further. I found out he was now living 500 miles away in STATE 2. We talked and traveled to have dates for another 6 months and he decided to move back to STATE 1 to live with me.

We lived very very happily together in STATE 1 for 4 years. In November of last year, I lost my job and we decided to move to STATE 2. We are currently living here. We are in love and he is an amazing boyfriend.

Here’s where I get confused. Recently I was on a social media website and found the crush from high school. It gets even weirder… I found out the reason he disappeared was that he moved to 500 miles away in STATE 2 in the same city I moved to. He lives less than 5 miles from my home.

I love my current boyfriend very much and am very faithful — so I have not even sent this other guy a message or anything. But for the last few months since finding out about the other guy, it is keeping my stomach in knots to not doing anything about it. I don’t want to go my whole life not knowing what could have happened… but I also don’t want to end what I currently have. I know I can’t have both but I don’t know what to do.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you contact your long-ago crush, behind your current boyfriend’s back, and he finds out, he’s going to be upset. So if you don’t want to jeopardize your relationship, you should forget about this old crush and focus on what you have now — or ask yourself why you’re so keen on finding out about your old crush. Sometimes these seemingly “just curious” contacts can break up a relationship. So tread carefully.

If you insist on contacting your old crush, keep any contact above board. Your boyfriend may find your interest in this old crush, alone, to be suspect — keeping it secret will be a second thing he’ll be offended by. So contacting the old crush secretly is creating jeopardy. Put yourself in your boyfriend’s shoes and imagine how you’d feel if he contacted a college crush without telling you.

Obviously, the best thing to do is let it all go, but if you are intent on contacting your long ago crush, it might be a good idea to bring up the idea in a conversation with your boyfriend. In other words, open a dialogue that isn’t just about you, but includes asking him about his old crushes. If this is a two way street, it’s a lot less threatening than if you’re the love of your boyfriend’s life — but he’s not that to you. This other guy may be. So, talk to him, in the open about this old crush. The reality is that we all have long ago crushes, and you may be surprised to learn that your boyfriend has one, too.

If you are going to meet him, and you don’t want to bust up your current relationship, make it a threesome — or better, a foursome, if your old crush is married or with someone. Meeting your old crush on your own is going to stir up all kinds of emotions, and unless you really want to jeopardize what you have now, you shouldn’t go out on what could be construed as a date, with this old crush.

I hope that helps!

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[pinkmoon]

Wow, thanks for the extremely fast reply, April! (:

Your advice is excellent — thank you. I honestly do know that it is best to let it go… it is just extremely difficult. I guess with all of the details and coincidences, it’s easy to start thinking “it was meant to be” or “these kinds of things don’t just happen for no reason!” But when it comes down to it, they are major coincidences. I also think there are built-up emotions there from feeling that I lost him back then and now he’s back.

Another thing I have thought through is that even though it was a huge crush and we did have a connection… that’s all I know about him now. People change especially over a long period of time. Even though he seems to be a person I love, maybe there are things I would not like at all about him once I knew more.

My current boyfriend is wonderful and I don’t want to jeopardize or ruin anything with him. He’s not perfect though (no one is!), so it is easy to put more weight on his flaws when comparing but that isn’t fair play.

I love that you suggested a threesome, LOL! Of course I would be down for that but the only way my boyfriend would be on board is if it’s with another woman. Haha! (:

I will try to do everything I can to let it go. It’s going to be difficult. I will try to focus all of my effort on my current relationship and do what I can to forget about it. Thanks again.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome — and just to clarify for anyone who is skimming this string of posts…. I didn’t recommend a threesome that involved sex. I meant a threesome that involved three coffees and three muffins at a local coffee shop where everyone is clothed! 😆

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